THE SCENE: An abortion clinic in a medium-sized city.
THE PLAYERS: The clinic administrator, a pregnant woman and the clinic doctor.
ADMINISTRATOR: Welcome to Planned Non-Parenthood, Mrs. Dummer, how can we help you?
CLIENT: I read about the trendy, new gender-based abortions, which started in China. I wonder if you make them available here? I understand that they are a bit controversial.
ADMINISTRATOR: Yes, we do provide them. We don’t let morals, ethics, human decency or any other such outmoded considerations stand in the way of profit. Why, are you pregnant?
CLIENT: Yes, I just got the report from my doctor. I am nine weeks pregnant.
ADMINISTRATOR:: Congratulations are in order, I suppose — at least for now. Have you consulted with your husband about this?
CLIENT: No, I haven’t seen him in eleven weeks. He’s an engineer with a firm that is cutting down all the trees in the Brazilian rain forest. They will be used to build Donald Trump’s next summer home.
ADMINISTRATOR: Eleven weeks? Then it’s not his baby.
CLIENT: No, but close enough. By the time the baby arrives, the timing will be blurred.
ADMINISTRATOR: Ah, then you want the baby. We are very busy here. We have no time for mothers who want their babies.
CLIENT: I am not sure that I want the baby. That’s why I am here. There is one circumstance under which I would want the baby aborted.
ADMINISTRATOR: Go on.
CLIENT: I have been watching a lot of reality shows. Everybody in my circle is hooked on them. I have learned a lot from them about all the new sexes that are rising up in our society.
ADMINISTRATOR: How do you mean “all.” There still are only two, as far as I know.
CLIENT: Oh, no, you should see some of the people who appear on these shows. There was one person there who had a man’s name, but he didn’t behave at all like a man, but when I studied him for a while, I couldn’t say that he was a woman either. So he must belong to one of the new sexes.
ADMINISTRATOR: Can we finesse that point, and have you just tell me what you want?
CLIENT: I consider myself open-minded, and would be proud to have a child from most of the eight sexes, or however many there are. But there is one that I would prefer to abort, if I can get advance warning.
ADMINISTRATOR: And that is?
CLIENT: I wouldn’t want to have a boy who wishes he was a girl, and who would get a sex-change operation, and then become a Lesbian. That is too complicated for my simple mind, and it doesn’t even make sense. If he remained a man, he and his female partners wouldn’t have to waste money on sex toys. I feel within my rights to request an abortion in such a case, because President Obama has not come out against it, although I don’t know for sure whether he has evolved into feeling comfortable about it.
ADMINISTRATOR: All right, get up on the table and I will ask the doctor to come in.
ADMINISTRATOR: Doctor, this lady would like us to perform an abortion on her only if the child in her womb is a boy who will want to have a sex-change operation and then become a Lesbian.
DOCTOR: (whispering) How the BLEEP am I supposed to know that?
ADMINISTRATOR: (whispering) Just scope her out, and I’ll do the talking.
(The doctor does whatever he is supposed to do.)
ADMINISTRATOR: Let me look at the screen. My goodness! This is an incredible coincidence. Mrs. Dummer, you have in there a baby boy who is going to want a sex change, and then pursue life as a Lesbian.
(The doctor makes a gagging sound.)
CLIENT: How can you tell?
ADMINISTRATOR: How can I tell, you ask? Look at the screen yourself.
(Mrs. Dummer looks at the screen, but seems nonplussed.)
CLIENT: I can’t tell anything from the screen. I don’t even know how to tell that it’s a boy.
ADMINISTRATOR: Well, it is. We are professionals here.
CLIENT: But what about the Lesbian thing?
ADMINISTRATOR: Look carefully, can’t you see that he is reading a miniature copy of Sappho’s poetry?
CLIENT: No. How would such a thing get in there? Oh, wait, I think I know.
ADMINISTRATOR: You do??? How?
CLIENT: I’d rather not say.
ADMINISTRATOR: We can schedule you for an abortion a week from today.
ADMINISTRATOR: A special case like this will cost extra, I’m afraid.
CLIENT: That’s OK. I am covered by Obamacare. They are very lenient. (She leaves.)
DOCTOR: Mildred, how could you do such a thing?
ADMINISTRATOR: Listen, Doc, you like getting paid big bucks for killing babies, no? How much do you think you could make saving lives? Fuggedaboddit!