Alchemy, Al Gore & Jazeera

People who have blind faith in science would do well to recall that during the Middle Ages, a time not all that different from our own, especially in the Middle East, not to mention Chicago, Detroit and Hollywood, there were those who regarded alchemy to be a science. They were convinced that base metals such as lead could be magically turned into precious metals such as gold. In modern times, we find remnants of those earlier pinheads in left-wing circles, where it is widely accepted that a community organizer, by virtue of winning an election, can be transformed into a savior.

When I first heard that Obama and his stooges were demanding that gun magazines be made smaller, I naturally assumed they wanted the NRA monthly to be condensed. When I discovered they actually believed that the answer to violence in America was fewer bullets, I found myself wondering if they had put Michael Bloomberg, the idiot who thinks smaller soft drink containers is the answer to obesity, in charge of the crusade.

The irony of the situation is that, thanks to the perceived threat that this administration is apparently more concerned with confiscating our weapons than it is with denying Iran the ability to wage nuclear war, Obama has done more to increase gun sales than the NRA and Eric Holder’s Operation Fast and Furious put together.

Because I have zero tolerance for blather, if I were a senator I would vote against Chuck Hagel because when Obama nominated him to be Secretary of Defense, he said he wanted to advance global freedom, decency and humanity, as “we help to make a better world for all mankind,” and I would nix John Brennan, Obama’s nominee to head up the CIA, because, on the same occasion, he said he wanted to make sure that” the CIA always reflected the liberties, the freedoms and the values we hold so dear.” I don’t want the guys heading up those two offices sounding like mushy-mouthed social workers. I realize they can’t help how they look, but I want them to at least try to sound like John Wayne, vowing to destroy anyone who gets between his thirsty cattle and the nearest water hole.

Frankly, I haven’t heard such unmitigated hooey since the 11th grade when Seymour Schwartz promised to bring about an era of world peace if only we’d elect him class president.

Recently, I sent an email to Sen. Lindsey Graham. It was one of those rare occasions when I was praising a politician. I was commending him for refusing to allow Obama and his stooges in the media to sweep the Benghazi massacre under the carpet. But instead of a polite acknowledgment, I received an email informing me that due to the volume of email he receives, he is only able to respond to inquiries from South Carolinians.

In response, I wrote: “I really do think that you and other senators should be open to comments from out-of-staters inasmuch as your decisions affect us all. In this instance, I was complimenting you. But even if I had been taking you to task, I deserved the right to make my feelings known. God knows I can’t expect a reasonable response from my own senators, Boxer and Feinstein. But I should be able to contact any one of you hundred “public servants.” It’s not as if it’s only the taxes paid by South Carolinians that go to pay your salary and the salaries of your staff.”

It’s bad enough being stiffed by left-wingers without being shunted aside by conservatives. Is it any wonder that in a recent poll, members of Congress were deemed to be less popular than root canal, head lice, colonoscopies, cockroaches and France!

But even Congress is more popular these days than Al Gore. For the past decade, the human dirigible has been piling up money and honors, everything from Oscars to Nobel Prizes, by running around like a demented Chicken Little, screaming that not only is the sky falling, but that the oceans are rising, and all because of those evil fossil fuels. And then, after refusing to even entertain an offer from Glenn Beck, he turns around and peddles his TV network to Al Jazeera, the pro-terrorist media outfit owned by the oil sheiks of Qatar. It would be like Michelle Obama, after making all of us endure her silly crusade against baked goods, agreeing to do TV commercials for Twinkies and Ho-Hos.

Compared to all the money that the Democrats waste in other areas, the half billion dollars or so that they funnel to Planned Parenthood is a drop in the bucket. But for lying about their mission and pretending that the group is anything other than a massive abortion mill, they should be put out of business. In 2011, for instance, in spite of insisting that they offer prenatal services to the poor, they referred only 2,300 women to adoption agencies, while performing 334,000 abortions. But I guess in the wacky world of liberals, an abortion is regarded as a prenatal service.

In what might be regarded as related news, some outfit calling itself the National Father’s Day Council decided that Bill Clinton was Father of the Year. It will probably come as no surprise that the 2007 honoree was none other than John Edwards. But at least Mr. Edwards earned the title the old fashioned way, by impregnating his mistress while his wife was dying of cancer.

Rumor has it that Arnold Schwarzenegger, who certainly appeared to be the early odds-on favorite, is crying “Foul!” and demanding a recount.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website:
  • Souvoter

    PS: Democrat Party turns out to be party of Control Freaks blindly following their leader.

  • Souvoter

    America would be much better off if Obama vented as much venom and hatred towards our true enemies vs Republicans and Tea Party Conservatives!!!

  • Adrian Vance

    CO2 is a “trace gas” in air, insignificant by definition. It absorbs 1/7th as much IR, heat energy, from sunlight as water vapor which has 80 times as many molecules capturing 560 times as much heat making 99.8% of all “global warming.” CO2 does only 0.2% of it. For this we should destroy our economy?

    Carbon combustion generates 80% of our energy. Control and taxing of carbon would give the elected ruling class more power and money than anything since the Magna Carta of 1215 AD.

    See The Two Minute Conservative at for political analysis, science and humor. If you read us every day when you speak ladies will swoon and liberal gentlemen will weep.

  • cmacrider

    Burt: Who would have “thunk it?” The only thing obama has done in 4 years to stimulate the economy is resurrect the old gun control argument. I understand gun sales have been going through the roof. What I, as a Canadian, can”t understand is why Obama is so worried about gun control. Tons of American hunters come to Canada every year and almost without exception they are excellent shots. Even Obama should be able to understand you have to have tremendous gun control to be a good shot.

    • Wheels55

      So true.
      What Obama could preach is gun safety. The NRA would be all behind that. Gun safety products would also fly off the selves, therefore helping the economy.
      Seriously, what if the talk was that an owner should/must have a safe for their guns if there are children under the age of 18 (or some teen age)? Having a safe if there is a mentally unstable person in the house or with access to the house? They make great gun safes that are opened in an instant by the gun owner.

      • cmacrider

        Wheels55: The question which keeps re-occurring in my mind is this ….. Is there anything that Obama does which wasn’t invented by the 60’s hippies .. passed into legislation only to prove it doesn’t work??? I mean socialized medicine and gun control ??? Gun control has been tried by Canada and Australian and has been proven conclusively not to work. Obama seems totally incapable of adapting to a postmodern information age in which a global economy is a reality. And they re-elected this old fashioned socialist …Good grief Charlie Brown!!!

  • Wheels55

    Michael “Smaller is Better” Bloomberg will not stop at smaller soft drinks and smaller gun mags, he will soon outlaw people over 5’7″.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Wheels: Is he that tall?


      • Wheels55

        I meant 4’7″. Sorry for the typo.

  • Paul Borden

    Your comment on Graham prompted this thought: What if states did have to pay the salaries of their own senators and representatives? It might make them even more responsive to their own constituents. I’m sure there would be downsides (as on every issue) but i really just wanted to throw it out there.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Paul: I don’t see how that would change anything.


  • GlenFS

    Too funny, Burt. I guess with the election over, Obama does not care about all the jobs that might have been saved if only his wife were promoting Twinkies & HoHos! And I think Arnold has a very strong case that he was robbed of the honor due him.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Glen: Arnold will just have to wait until next year, when Jerry Sandusky will probably be his main competition.


  • GlenFS

    Too funny, Burt. I guess with the election over Obama is not concerned for all the jobs his wife might save if only she were promoting Twinkies & HoHos! And I think Arnold does have a strong case that he was robbed of the honor due him.