Enough With The Damn Gates

Is it too much to ask that the media stop adding “gate” to every political scandal? Has everyone forgotten that Watergate was actually the name of the building where Nixon’s plumbers, who clearly channeled their inner Three Stooges, broke in to the DNC headquarters. I mean, if the place had been, say, the Park Sheraton, would every subsequent scandal have had “Sheraton” pinned to it? I suppose I should be grateful that the recent furor over the former Defense Secretary’s expose wasn’t labeled Gatesgate.

Still, I say 40 years is long enough; it’s time for the media to move on because it has become something of a tritegate.

We all know that Obama is a wienie, the sort of kid we all knew in junior high school who received daily wedgies. Still, how is it possible that President Rouhani boasts after signing the abominable peace treaty, ”The west surrendered to the will of Iran,” and our president doesn’t immediately cancel the deal carved out by John Kerry and the other five dwarves?

Iran’s defense minister celebrated the occasion by laying a wreath at the tomb of the jihadist responsible for killing 241 U.S. Marines in 1983, and Obama responds by calling those senators who wish to impose harsher sanctions on Iran if it doesn’t abide by the treaty as “warmongers.”

Even if we forget impeachment for a minute, is there nobody in Washington who can give this schmuck the super wedgie he’s been begging for?

Speaking of Iran, its major news agency claimed that documents leaked by Edward Snowden provide “incontrovertible proof that an alien intelligence agenda is driving America’s domestic and international policy.” To which I say, “Well duh! And, what’s more, we re-elected the alien!”

I confess I thought I was caught in a time warp when, in response to those questioning the wisdom of signing the agreement with a rogue nation that not only allows them to continue its pursuit of a nuclear bomb, but tosses in seven billion dollars to sweeten the pot, Obama said we should “give peace a chance.” Suddenly, I thought I was watching “Back to the Future IV.” I expected he would next suggest we should “Make love, not war.” I thought that sort of swill had died with the 60s, along with such silly fads as bell bottoms, Nehru jackets and beads, and knuckleheads saying “groovy,” “cool” and “Some of my best friends are Kenyans.”

Our State Department keeps sending millions of dollars for reasons I can’t imagine to places like Nigeria. At the same time, I keep hearing from Nigerians offering to send me millions of dollars. It makes no sense. My suggestion is that the feds skip the middle man and send the money directly to me.

Speaking of waste, according to the Inspector General, Medicare spent $175 million between 2006 and 2011 on penis pumps. What’s with you people? Isn’t there anyone in America who still bowls or plays gin rummy?

The current administration spends more and more time talking about the vanishing middle class and less and less time changing its policies in order to deal with the problem. Ever since FDR showed them how it was done, the Democrats have relied on a dependent constituency in order to win elections. They pay lip service to a middle class, but the only members of it they’re concerned about are those enrolled in public sector unions, from whom they receive votes and tithings.

The fact of the matter is that the real middle class doesn’t just have a financial identity. In spite of what liberals will tell you, it’s also a way of life. It consists in part in education and learning a skill – whether the end result is a brain surgeon or a plumber – being law-abiding, forsaking illegal drugs and not having babies until you’re married and can afford to raise them. In addition, members of the middle class tend to be patriotic, not out of chauvinism, but because they sincerely believe in the exceptional nature of the nation founded by the extraordinary likes of Washington, Madison and Jefferson.

Liberals assume you can ignore all those other things, though, and so long as the government provides people with $50,000-a-year, whether it’s through extended unemployment payments, disability checks, food stamps, a home purchased without a down payment or free health insurance, you can magically transform millions of welfare recipients into a stable middle class.

Another thing that Obama and his minions are wrong about is trying to use mass killings as a way to wage war on the Second Amendment. For one thing, when most normal people hear about these tragic events, they don’t say to themselves, “Something has to be done about those damn guns.” Instead, they say, “The shooters were obviously mental cases. Why didn’t any of their relatives, friends, teachers or psychiatrists, get them to an asylum before they blew their corks?”

The next thing they say, assuming they’re not liberals, who also shouldn’t be allowed to run around loose, is, “I wish to God there had been someone in the neighborhood who could have plugged the maniac before his final tally reached double digits.”

Finally, with all the tacky sex scandals that politicians get involved in, you would think that adultery was part of the job description. Therefore, my advice to any woman who’s seriously considering marrying one of these twerps is that she forget about registering at any of those stores specializing in fancy dishware and sterling silver. You can always buy your own dishes, toasters and teapots. Instead, you’d be much better off registering at a local gun shop.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • Wheels55

    As for the Second Amendment-Gate issue, I hope none of the liberals out there really think Obama and other politicians truly care about your safety as it relates to guns. They love this issue strictly for political reasons. Any reasonable person knows that more gun laws make it less likely that a good citizen can save your butt from a bad guy. The bad guys don’t care about laws. I think even Obama understands that.

  • sjangers

    I wonder how many of us recall that about two years ago many people were talking about when, not if, we or Israel would take military action to derail the Iranian nuclear program. At that time President Obama devised a regime of sanctions to persuade Iran to change direction, insisting that we needed to give the sanctions a chance to work before resorting to military action. Now that enough time has passed to lessen the public’s sense of urgency about the Iranian nuclear program, President Obama is lifting sanctions and insisting that we need to give peace a chance. But we’ve seen absolutely no evidence that the Iranians have changed their mind about wanting to acquire nuclear weapons and nothing in their rhetoric to suggest that they’re any less determined to use any means at their disposal to harm the West and eradicate Israel from the face of the earth. I wish I understood what the President wants to accomplish with this latest diplomatic approach toward Iran.

    • Sheila Warner

      And this is where I was yelling at O’Reilly on the tv last night. He is in the “give it a chance” crowd. Sheesh! He’s been around long enough to realize that we are dealing with the same underhanded guy we have dealt with in the past. He bragged about stalling the rest of the world while the nuke program kept on going. Too bad the Congress lacks the balls to pass the proposed increased sanctions bill that is floating around. We can never trust Iran, we should not have eased anything, and this deal is a farce.

      • sjangers

        I understand your frustration, Sheila, but I wouldn’t waste my time yelling at O’Reilly on the television. I doubt he’d pay much attention to us, even if we were yelling at him in person.

  • Sheila Warner

    Gee, I wish you’d stick with one topic. And, as the rest of your well written piece demonstrates, this nation has a lot more to be concerned about other than the use of the word “gate”. Really? Gate? That is not even on my list of things that aggravate me.

  • gold7406

    The media loves to use the word “gate” as it represents the pinnacle of journalism excellence in our lifetime. It would be as if every hockey competition would mention the 1980’s Olympic, “Miracle on Ice.”
    The administration does this quite frequently with mentioning Lincoln or some very noble event in US history. Excellence by association.

  • RickonhisHarleyJohnson

    Thanks for the comment on the media’s use of ‘… gate’. That and dumping gatorade on the coach have worn me out!

    • Sheila Warner

      Fast cure for that gatorade dump that bugs you. When the game is over, turn off the tv so you don’t have to see it. Oh, the humanity!

    • Sheila Warner

      Or you can just watch The Puppy Bowl.

  • Brian Fr Langley

    As John Lennon says, “all we are say….ing, is give peace a chance”. I might even agree, if the Ayatollahs would, but they won’t. It’s not just that they blow up U.S. ships, embassies, and pay for attacks on U.S. assets and personal where ever they’re found. Or take innocent American hostages for over a year. Or follow a religion that calls on them to convert or destroy infidels. Or that they openly say Israel (a solid mid east ally) is a cancer that MUST be excised. Or that they are routinely caught lying and cheating. Or that they publicly hang young men from construction cranes (in public) deemed to be enemies of the state. Or that they murder members of the local Christian community, (for no other reason than they’re Christians). No, none of these, the Ayatollahs simply can not give peace a chance, and still establish a Shia Caliphate. While true Islam has always intended on world domination, the Ayatollahs first have smaller fish to fry. Since the last Islamic Caliph was deposed by the victorious allied armies, (following WW1), there has been a “caliphate” vacuum so to speak. The Sunni Saudi’s, Sunni Egyptians, and Sunni Turks, would prefer another Sunni Caliph, the Persians (Iranians) would much prefer a Shiite. The calculation is simple, “got nukes”. You guessed it, who gets nukes first, while not a home run, at least gets you to third base. The home run, and happy leader who gets the caliphate? The one who uses the nukes, and wins back Jerusalem. (of course I mean all of British mandatory Palestine). About 6 nukes should do the trick. a couple to blow up Israel, and 4 to threaten anybody who might consider retaliation. And you’ll never believe what the Ayatollah’s will then say (or maybe sing) to the possible retaliators, (like the U.S.)? All together now, “All we are say….ing”, “is give peace a chance”.