Assorted Nuts

Who was the dunderhead who came up with the primary system? I’m not referring to the primary elections themselves, but to the order in which they must be conducted. There are ancient religious rituals that aren’t held to be this sacred.

When Floridians quite reasonably suggest that their primary should come earlier than it has in the past, the GOP hierarchy threatens to excommunicate them and deny them full representation at the national convention.

But nobody has come up with a reasonable explanation why Iowa and New Hampshire should come first. If anything, there are good reasons why they shouldn’t. For one thing, Iowa doesn’t even hold a statewide election; they have something silly called a caucus. How dumb is that!

As for New Hampshire, it has such a small and unrepresentative a population that if they didn’t have an early primary, most of us could ignore the state all the time, and not merely, as we do now, three out of every four years. Instead, their importance is inflated in much the same phony way that the Wizard of Oz had his own magnified by billows of smoke, a curtain and a world-class public address system.

That brings us to the elections, themselves. I accept that we need to have a president, although the more I think about the ones we keep electing, I’m beginning to waver in that belief. But the truth is, as I have long contended, anyone who seeks the office is obviously insane, a mental case whose ego must live in a rented room somewhere because no human being could possibly cart around anything that huge.

I’m not kidding. I mean, just imagine that you wake up one day, look around at your fellow 310,000,000 Americans, and decide, “Yep, I’m the guy (or gal) who is best-equipped to run the most powerful nation on the face of the earth. I’m not saying I know everything I will need to know about the monetary system, Islamic terrorism, the military, the stock market, farm subsidies, Social Security, nuclear energy, the banking industry, the Middle East, education, the IRS, the SEIU, health care or even how to talk to members of the Black Congressional Caucus without giggling, but, doggone it, I’ve always been a fast learner. Now I just need to raise several hundred million dollars in order to run. I wonder how much my neighbor Charley will be willing to kick in.”

Or, as Thomas Sowell told Reason Magazine, in relating one of the most dangerous trends coming out of the current administration: “It’s the presumption that Obama knows how all these industries ought to be operating better than people who have spent their lives in those industries, and a general cockiness going back to before he was president, and the fact that he has no experience whatever in managing anything. Only someone who has never had the responsibility for managing anything could believe he could manage just about everything.”

Finally, the other day I received an email from one of my readers, an American currently living in Argentina. He started out by letting me know that on 9/11, he was living only a short distance from Dulles Airport, not all that far from the Pentagon. He decided that if someone wanted to kill us that badly, he should find out why. In the intervening years, he has read 40 books about Islam.

Because I had written an article in which I wondered why a suicide bomber wouldn’t realize that even though he started out with 72 virgins, he would soon have 72 disgruntled ex-virgins on his hands, my correspondent found that “Islamic theology states that virgins in heaven maintain their virginity for eternity. If you think this is strange, it also maintains that even though martyrs do a great deal of eating and drinking, that is when they are not too busy entertaining all of their sex slaves, there is neither feces nor urine produced.”

I wrote back to tell him that once a woman loses her virginity, it doesn’t merely change her physically, but psychologically. So the only logical explanation is that these “virgins” must be those large rubber dolls lonely guys purchase from mail order outfits. As for there being no need for bathrooms in the Islamic Paradise, the obvious answer is that in death, as in life, the suicide bombers are ambulatory cesspools.”

“Please don’t ask for a cogent explanation for any of this,” he went on, “because there isn’t one. Islamic theologians are still wrestling with a way to explain it.”

“Well, now that I’ve solved the mystery, you can tell them they can all go back to having sex with goats.”

“By the way,” he concluded, “I use the word theologian loosely, for in reality, Islam utterly rejects the need for theology. God’s word is simple, plain and clear, and it does not need interpretation. It only requires memorization and obedience. Even the idea of trying to interpret and understand God is considered heretical. Saludos, Richard.”

“Oddly enough, that’s pretty much how I feel about my own words. Regards, Burt”

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Burt Prelutsky

    Shirl: I don’t think the GOP nominee has to have a slick tongue when debating Obama. The guy has stuck us with a $15 trillion deficit and 9% unemployment and 8% underemployment. Let him just try to explain that away!

    On the other hand, we can’t have someone who is as susceptible to brain freezes as Herman Cain and Rick Perry when speaking in front of a camera.


  • Adrian Vance

    Stupid as the Primaries can be they are less corrupt than the old days of the conventions with “smoke filled rooms,” deals, payoffs and people getting beaten in allies. At least we get a chance to see how the candidates think on their feet, or not. Think of it as a big trash compactor: Messy, but necessary.

    See The Two Minute Conservative at for political analysis, science and humor. Now in the top 3% on Kindle.

  • Shirl

    Coming from a life-long Floridian, I can’t for the life of me understand how Iowa and New Hampshire is representative of the rest of the country. Florida is alot more diverse than Iowa and a hell of a lot bigger than New Hampshire. Maybe that’s part of the Republican problem; they forgot this is the 21st century. But, seems we are stuck at the moment. We definitely need our guy to have a slicker tongue than the current deceiver in charge; someone who can show the country what really lies beneath all those teeth.

  • Cmacrider

    Burt: Here are a few possible reasons that people run for political office:
    1. It’s the only place they can print money without going to prison;
    2. It’s the only place they can do inside trading and not go to prison
    3. It’s the only job that does not require some sort of professional certification
    4. What other job allows you to become a millionaire even though you are a salaried employee?
    5. You get the chance to meet Nancy and Barney

  • Drew Page

    I don’t know if it’s ego, or a sense of obligation, or patriotism or a desire to be rich and famous that drives otherwise sane people to run for the Presidency. Whoever gets elected President is automatically hated by 50% of the population. Whatever they do or don’t do will be criticized by 50% of the population and this is under the best of circumstances.

    In a country of 310 million people, there are just too many competing interests for one person to satisfy. We have become a house divided and I see no way to repair that divide. Seems to me that half of the country wants the government (those of us who pay income taxes) to pay for the support of the other half who do not. Our political parties and the politicians in those parties thrive on keeping the public at each other’s throats, divide and conquer. The more they can divide us along ideological lines, the more we contribute to them and as we fight each other they keep us distracted from looking at them as they enrich themselves and their friends and contributors at our expense. Has anyone seen a politician yet that has put forth a bill limiting the power of elected politicians, such as term limits, or making those in Congress subject to all of the same laws that apply to the rest of us, like social Security or insider trading?

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Gus: I am all for holding a primary election that includes all the states on the same day.

    Roadmaster: In answer to your question: Have you ever noticed how everyone connected with “60 Minutes” is a kneejerk liberal? Come to think of it, half the people at Fox News (Juan Williams, Leslie Marshall, Bob Beckel, Marc Lamont Hill, Lis Wiehl, Alan Colmes, Geraldo Rivera) are, too.


  • Gus Haritos

    I could not agree more that Iowa and N.H. are given a ridiculously prominent position to select the next nominee for either party. MUCH better choices would be Ohio, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and/or Missouri.

  • Roadmaster

    Burt, are you auditioning for Andy Rooney’s spot on 60 Minutes? “Did you ever wonder…..”

    Yeah, I wonder also why do we have such an archaic primary system, but it sure beats some of the suggestions to change it – like letting everyone vote on line. Our national elections are already pretty much a political version of American Idol, but as it has been said, politics is Hollywood for ugly people.

    Here in Tucson, our stupid, dhimmicrat city council proposed we go to all mail in voting, and the stupid people approved it. Now the party apparatchiks will go to your house and pick it up, if you’re SO-OOO lazy you can’t even make it to the mail box.

    As if we didn’t already have enough ways for dhimmicrats to cheat. During the city primary in Aug, we went down to “headquarters” to turn in our ballots. Sure enough, it was staffed by a bunch of gubmint employees, union members and no doubt liberals, opening envelopes and dropping ballots into the scanners. Personally I really, REALLY don’t like the idea of someone casting my vote for me, especially when I can’t witness it. Since we can’t ever seem to break the stranglehold of the dopey liberals on this town, we are either collectively dumber than I can imagine or the voting process is as corrupt as I suspect.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Gena: Thank you for the kind words.

    Jeannette: I’m trying to picture all those people flinging their crutches hither and yon.


    • Jeannette

      And falling on them, don’t forget.

  • Clarence De Barrows

    Burt: With reference to your last sentence – “oddly enough that’s pretty much how I feel about our own Constitution.”

    Best regards,

  • Jeannette

    Burt: The least qualified person for the job of commander-in-chief was elected by people who seemingly were mesmerized by words such as “hope” and “change.” It was only later that most of them realized that words are but crutches in the hands of people who can’t do anything else but fling them hither and yon.

    I’m not putting down writing per se. Of course I’m not; I put a lot of stock in the might of the pen.

    However, it seems that “that one” never quite got the hang of looking words up in the dictionary, even though he has proven himself to be expert at reading.

    If words are mightier than the pen, and I believe they are, it could be hoped that there will be some falling upon swords before it’s all over with.

  • Gena Taylor

    Mr. Burt – you only seem to get better and better and in these insane times – you seem to be one of few who has retained some degree of sanity. Bless and protect you.