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The Most Busted Man in America

Only a couple of months have gone by in this sparkling new 2015, and hopefully this breaking-in period has gone well for you. If things have been less than peachy, even pretty awful, there is a silver lining: at least you aren’t Brian Williams. (If it so happens you are Brian Williams, you should stop…

Stat’s Entertainment

“Welcome back to NBS’ coverage of the World Tackle Football playoffs, between the Nashville Nasturtiums and the Portland Pissants. I’m Buck Joseph, along with Randy Exjocque, live from I’m Not Remotely Surprised It’s Margarine Stadium, and what a surprising first half it was for Portland, Randy, leading Nashville 10-0 at halftime!” “Boy, you got that…

Because Joining a Gym is for Losers

Just as I’ve done with every year before it, I’m making 2015 absolutely resolution-free. After all, any schmuck capable of holding a pencil eraser side-up can make a list of things to improve about himself, but it’s only society’s supremely-talented gems like yours truly who can maintain a consistent level of sub-mediocrity. It ain’t stopping…

Where Equality is Job None

One fine morning at the offices of Sharpton’s Community Unrest Management, a call comes in from a potential client. She selects option #2, and lands in the headset of a diligent young cubicle-dweller. SCUM: Hello, Protests & Riots Department, James speaking. PC: Hi, my name’s Lori. Do you handle civil rights violations? SCUM: That depends,…

A Nice Hot Cup ‘o Crazy

Ever since he replaced Jay Carney as White House press secretary/intelligence-insulting pipsqueak, I’ve watched Josh Earnest so many times I’m starting to feel like a test subject in a masochism study. While it was obvious from the first time his Apple Jacks breath hit the microphone he was a terribly under-spanked child, it took me…