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Certifiably Safe Sex

(CAUTION READERS: CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK. SOME CONTENT MAY BE MORE OFFENSIVE THAN USUAL.) There is something really wrong with the California State Legislature. It’d probably surprise me if any of these Shawarmaheads could use a revolving door without getting lost, but it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if they passed a “clockwise-only” mandate…

Worn Out by Sayings?

Clichés can be so cliché, and worn-out sayings (“neat as a pin,” etc.) have worn out their welcome. Every time I hear one I start to get this, well, urge. A strange, powerful urge. Ever since adolescence, an almost unbearable, uncontrollable urge…to take all those trite phrases and give them a lil’ treatment: Next time…

On Memorials & Madams

[Warning: what you are about to read might make the author look like a macabre weirdo with a terribly dull life, and you might be onto something.] I was catching up on some Hollywood news the other day when I came across what might have been the eeriest, most amazing coincidence I’ve ever witnessed in…

It Doesn’t Discriminate

Let’s say you’re an average, everyday person. Like anybody else, you enjoy certain diversions, such as music, movies, and/or sports. You turn up the radio when your favorite band comes on. You’re gleefully tethered to the TV every Sunday from September to January, savoring every touchdown and tackle. Every summer you’re one of the millions…

Year of the Brat

Devotees of the U.S. Constitution recently got a nice treat when a conservative underdog took out an establishment limpnoodle in Virginia, but they weren’t the only ones. Right-wing smartasses like me got a sweet little something-something too: prime fodder for an easy joke. Dave Brat’s June 10th primary victory over Rep. Eric Cantor was a one-liner…

People In Need of a Good Place-Kicking

Okay, now call me crazy, but I thought the whole ruckus surrounding the allegedly insensitive-to-Native-Americans Washington Redskins name & mascot was over. And when I say “over,” I mean OVER. Done with. Finito. Completorama. Concluderooski. This ain’t faulty reasonin’ on my part, because it was May of 2013 when Dan Snyder, owner of the Redskins,…

No Roast for the Wicked

I distinctly remember the moment when I heard The Late Show’s David Letterman say, regarding then-presidential candidate Barack Obama, how he couldn’t think of anything about the guy he could make fun of. (I know, it’s not exactly the magnitude of Kennedy’s assassination, but I didn’t exist in 1963.) It was when I was just…

Sympathy From the ‘Devils

If you love fresh fruit, and someone dangles a ripe peach in front of your face, you really have no choice but to snatch up that puppy. It’s the same with metaphorical peaches, and it seems God has grabbed a bushel of those juicy little orbs and been waving them inside my snatching radius, boy…