Battling Pygmies

Sometimes, I must confess, I almost feel like a bully when I ridicule so-called progressives. The old expression “Like shooting fish in a barrel” comes to mind. But, then, I merely have to remind myself that these fish happen to control the White House, the Senate, the Department of Justice and the IRS, and I don’t feel so bad.

Besides, how can one not ridicule Obama when he insists that federally-funded pre-school programs will lead to good-paying jobs down the line? Oh, really? As pre-school teachers, perhaps? In the meantime, as an inevitable consequence of this brainstorm, all privately-owned pre-schools will be put out of business.

He also promotes a 94-cent tax on a pack of cigarettes. What a boon that is for all those poor people he claims to be so concerned about. Almost as great as $4.20-a-gallon gas here in California.

Obama is so far out of step in his efforts to model our economy on that of Greece and the other socialist welfare states in Europe that even China has noticed the error of his ways. In a major policy shift, its new prime minister, Li Keqiang, is seeking to have private businesses and market forces play a larger role in shaping its economy. It’s his hope that the change will unleash the creative energies of the nation.

I keep praying that the Koch brothers will succeed in their efforts to buy up several major newspapers, including our local rag. Every time I pick it up, I recall that Mark Twain once observed that if you don’t read a newspaper, you’ll be uninformed, whereas if you do, you’ll be misinformed. Out here, it’s not lies, damn lies and statistics, but lies, damn lies and the L.A. Times.

In case you missed it, when Susan Muranishi retires in a couple of years, she will be collecting $423,664-a-year for life. If you’ve never heard of her, don’t berate yourself. She’s nobody famous and she didn’t just win grand prize in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse drawing. She’s merely an Alameda County administrator. Is it any wonder California is going bankrupt?

Speaking of wealthy women, I just discovered that the wealthiest woman in show business is not Oprah Winfrey. Instead, it’s Julia-Louis Dreyfus. It’s nothing personal, but I regard this as further proof that life isn’t fair. Here’s a woman who regards the million dollars-an-episode she wound up making on “Seinfeld” as chump change. It seems her grandfather was a French billionaire.

At the risk of sounding like a leftist, I say it should be one or the other. In a just world, some impoverished actress would have gotten the role of Elaine Benes.

For some mysterious reason, I keep getting email from the DNC inviting me to contribute to the party of fools, liars and cheats. Most recently, I was urged to pitch in as little as $3 for the opportunity to be entered in a drawing. The grand prize was the opportunity to meet Michelle Obama and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, whom some wag has tagged Fauxcohantas, at some event in Boston. Frankly, I would rather spend an hour with the two Evas, Braun and Peron.

Finally, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, I have been giving some thought to how Obama can best extricate himself from the quicksand in which he now finds himself being engulfed. Benghazi was bad enough, but now he finds himself hip-deep in the scandals involving the IRS and spying on journalists.

He should take a leaf from Bill Clinton’s playbook. When Willie the Hound Dog found himself in trouble because he had perjured himself before a grand jury, he pretended it was really about Monica Lewinsky and sex. The media, which as usual, is only too happy to carry water for liberals, took its cue and put the spotlight on Ken Starr, portraying him as a prude who could be easily confused with Cotton Mather.

So my suggestion to Obama is that he let himself be caught having carnal relations with a male intern. For one thing, it would animate his base of gays and those simpletons who regard homosexuality as not merely an alternate life style, but as a superior one.

For another, it would confirm the suspicions of those on the Right who have seen him try to throw a baseball.

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website:
  • Iklwa

    I’m looking in the phone book now trying to find a number to report you as a bully, Burt.

    Perhaps I’ll just call 911 and kill two birds with one stone…my coffee is cold too!

    Wait a minute, I made the coffee but I’m sure the 911 operator will console me anyway.

    The funny thing about shooting those fish in a barrel, the shooting is pretty easy. The hard part comes when you try to reach in there and pull one out.

    Every time I try to put a liberal on the line with facts I liken it to trying to catch eels in a barrel:

    It’s exciting!

    It’s a little scary!

    It can leave me a little breathless and be exhausting (get your mind out of that gutter).

    There is a lot of squirming and splashing!

    Things really smell bad.

    But in the end, all I have is a stinky, wet hand and I am left wondering how a “hot” electrical cord dropped into the barrel would work!

    You should feel guilty about picking on them though.

    I am sure they would agree that you need a good dose of self flagellation.

    The upside is: it’s good exercise and stimulates the circulation (so I’m told).

  • Darren Perkins

    Now that is funny!! Nice job Burt.

  • souvoter

    Thanks for the laugh, Burt; O can’t play basketball either and he swings a golf club like a baseball bat!!!!!

  • Wheels55

    I read an interview with Butch Harmon. He said that he could see the athlete in Obama when he watched him play or gave him lessons or something like that, But Obama only seems to be able to throw mud at his opponents.

    As for Julia-Louis Dreyfus, she may be a Hollywood knucklehead, but most who succeed in her world do so coming from modest means. Let’s not focus on her. Let’s focus on someone like Gary Sinise, who seems to have a good head on his shoulders (or Sela Ward – who is just plain hot!).