Beware Large Groups of People

I have known a great many terrific individuals in the course of my 72 years. Some of them have been teachers, some have even been lawyers. But once you stick people in a group, my advice is to watch your back and hang on to your wallet.

Take the United Nations. Please, as Henny Youngman used to say about Mrs. Youngman. As you probably know by now, the U.N. recently voted to grant the Palestinians non-member state status. In reality, it doesn’t mean much. But in this world, perception, more often than not, trumps reality. It so happens that the United States opposed the measure. But in spite of getting a great deal of money from us taxpayers, the Palestinians ignored our wishes. What’s more, there were only eight nations that supported our position: Canada, Israel, the Czech Republic, Panama, the Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru and Palou. There were 41 nations that abstained, who simply couldn’t bring themselves to choose between what we wanted and what the blankety-blank Palestinians demanded. Among them were many of those we had presumed to be our allies: Australia, Germany, Poland, South Korea and the United Kingdom.

The Palestinians, who are good for nothing but making trouble, garnered 139 votes.

If someone can please explain why we continue to literally house the U.N. and pay at least 25% of its expenses, I’d appreciate a call.

Another large group of ne’er-do-wells are to be found in the liberal arts faculties of colleges and universities. They’re the self-righteous numbskulls who regard themselves as elitists for no other reason than that they managed to survive endless years of boring lectures.

A recent study confirmed what most of us already assumed: those with the most education have the least exposure to those holding conflicting opinions.

It’s no secret that these academic boobs hold themselves in extremely high regard and hold those who don’t see eye-to-eye with them in contempt. But what does an advanced degree actually amount to? What does a PhD in French literature of the 19th century or ancient Chinese ceramics actually prepare you for beyond parroting what you’ve been taught to those who have an equally narrow field of interest and, of course, boring the pants off the other guests at dinner parties?

These are the same louts who are always yakking about diversity on the college campus, by which they merely mean a diversity of pigmentation, the very difference that the rest of us are supposed to ignore. When it comes to real diversity, even when it’s merely opinions voiced by students in their classroom, they are about as open-minded as Cotton Mather and Chris Matthews.

Consider, if you will, the political contributions of Ivy League professors. Between the eight schools, $1,211,267 was donated to Obama, $114,166 to Romney. At Brown, 129 faculty members kicked in to re-elect Obama, only one contributed to Romney. At Columbia, the score was 652 -21. At Harvard, 555-30.

Another group the world could well do without are politicians. The other day, the County Board of Supervisors informed my wife and me that in 2013, we would be charged a fee of $54 for clean water. The notice invited responses. I sent them the following:

“Between taxes and fees, as if there’s a difference, you folks are bleeding us dry. And by you folks, I’m referring to the whole over-paid, over-pensioned, gang that includes supervisors, councilmen, mayors, assemblymen, state senators, governors, congressmen and senators.

“We once had a revolution over taxation without representation. The next one will be set off by taxation with over-representation.
“The Department of Water and Power is already charging us an arm, a leg and a kidney. What’s next, an additional tax for air?

“It’s time you guys learned to tighten your belts instead of our nooses. Our weather is good, but it’s not that good.

“Is it any wonder that people are leaving California by the tens of thousands? Keep it up and soon the only residents will be those who depend on federal and state handouts to survive; namely, illegal aliens and you politicians. Sincerely, Burt Prelutsky.”

Generally, when people refer to human creativity, they’re talking about inventions and works of art. But I recently discovered that it can manifest itself even when it comes to committing suicide. The chances are that most of us, if asked to make a list of means, would start scratching our heads after gunshot, pills, gas, rope, poison and leaping off bridges and tall buildings. But it seems that people have actually done themselves in by swallowing spiders; drilling into their own noggins; sticking hot pokers down their throats; injecting peanut butter into their veins; crushing their necks in vises; choking on underwear; and hurling themselves into vats of beer.

A few of those things smack of fraternity hazings that simply got out of hand, especially those involving spiders, underwear and beer. But even in my darkest hour, I can’t imagine contemplating swallowing that red hot poker and not deciding to keep on living, even under Obama.

Finally, some guy took exception to my suggestion that with America as polarized as it is between those who favor big government and those who are sane, the only rational solution is secession.

He wrote to say that divorce is no answer. I wrote back to say that divorce, while sometimes tragic, can often be the only civilized way to right an unfortunate wrong.

After all, I concluded, people, especially young people, are far likelier to marry for a really dumb reason than they are to divorce for an equally stupid one.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Chris Matthewson

    If successful, the secessionists
    would quickly find themselves in a dilemma: They would soon be in such
    disagreement with themselves that a large segment would want to secede again
    from their newly formed sub-nation. Given the personality type of these people,
    they would, before long, find themselves in isolated micro-countries, each with
    very high fences around their borders, armed to the hilt, and attempting to jam
    the bloviating radio broadcasts from their neighboring mini-nations.

    Although the alternative to secession involves the very
    unpleasant notion of compromise with, and acceptance of, those with contrary
    views, the disgruntled wannabe secessionists might well consider it. Even it
    means they have to pay $54 more for clean water.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Chris: The problem with compromise is that it generally involves one side–Republicans, these days–surrendering their values and beliefs so that those on the Left can get their way on all things.


      • Chris Matthewson

        As a very wise man recently said on this very site: “At some point, those who consider themselves political pundits, as well as those who consider themselves statesmen, should remember that politics is the Art of Compromise. While the nation is basically evenly divided on ideology, a clear majority of its citizens want their leaders to conduct themselves according to this basic truth.”

  • Souvoter

    Liberals have finally succeeded taking education out of education; replaced with their sick propaganda, which has seriously damaged their cause (what ever that might be)!!

  • artlouis

    Regarding your comment about the weather in California not being all that great, today I drove through the Mojave Desert and it rained. (Something to do with Doomsday later this week?)

    • Burt Prelutsky

      art: What the heck were you doing driving through the Mojave Desert?


  • Cindy

    So Burt, how did we get here with the university staff that is overwhelmingly left/and or liberal? As you adeptly said, they are their own greatest fans, but somehow have convinced greater powers (than myself) that they have information useful enough and worthwhile enough to paint onto the next generation. I am perplexed how this giant shift has happened…. It was bad when I was in college, but not this extreme! My college son and I had a chat about this very issue the other day-he who came from my womb, but now says, “mom, your views were just so narrow…”

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Cindy: I have asked myself similar questions about the mass media. I feel like Rip Van Winkle. One night I went to sleep and when I woke up, the Left controlled TV, the movies, newspapers and magazines. That is why I keep urging wealthy conservatives to start buying up as much media as they can. I also urge parents to send their youngsters to private or religious schools. I also suggest they re-think their approach to college. Most liberal arts majors should be in trade schools learning to be plumbers and carpenters.


  • RickonhisHarleyJohnson

    I love your connection of Cotton Mather and Chris Matthews. After all, both were Easterners, educated in New England. That, I believe, tells the whole story. Apparently, it’s always been difficult to throw off the bonds of a New England education.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Rick: Cotton attacked witches, Chris attacks conservatives. One was a self-righteous loon; the other is a self-righteous loon. The only difference is that Rev. Mather had a sense of humor.


  • Wheels55

    The most closed minded people are the so-called intellectual instructors at our universities. Where else can you be a know-it-all and be successful? Perhaps the White House.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Wheels: Well-said.