Bill Clinton Should Resign!

SCENE: The Oval Office

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thanks for stopping by, Hillary. As a courtesy, I wanted to let you know that I have accepted the resignation of General David Petraeus as director of the Central Intelligence Agency.

HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, that’s wonderful! You may recall that he and I didn’t get along too well. When he testified before Congress as a military leader, I called him a liar.

OBAMA: Yes, it was kind of you not to scream at me when I appointed him to the CIA. Between you and Michelle, the noise around here can be very unsettling.

HILLARY: I understood that you needed to appoint someone with a Roman last name, to appease the Catholics.

OBAMA: Actually, it is a Dutch name.

HILLARY: Whatever. You needed all the votes you could get from every ethnic group.

OBAMA:  You might be interested to know why he resigned. He was involved in an extramarital affair. Does that sound familiar?

HILLARY:  No, I had no idea he was involved in an affair.

OBAMA: That’s not what I mean. I mean do you know of anyone, close to you, who was involved in an extramarital affair?

HILLARY: Oh, you mean that sleazy bastard Bill? That’s old news. No one cares about that anymore. He is more popular than ever.

OBAMA: Don’t you notice something different between Bill’s case and David’s. David, feeling that he no longer could represent himself as a man of honor, came forward and resigned.  Bill didn’t. He squirmed, he lied, he weaseled, he fought the special prosecutor, he fought impeachment. He finished his term as President.

HILLARY: (raising her voice) If I may speak freely, Mr. President, what the BLEEP are you driving at?

OBAMA: Hillary, I think Bill should man up, follow the example of General Petraeus and resign from office.

HILLARY: (screaming) What the BLEEP is wrong with you, you wimpy little BLEEP? He no longer holds any office.

OBAMA: I mean retroactively. He should officially resign as President of the United States, effective January 1998, when his affair with Monica Lewinsky became known to the public.

HILLARY: (still screaming) What a BLEEPING ingrate you are! Don’t you know that this wonderful man saved your presidency and got you reelected with his artfully crafted, demagogic, disingenuous speeches?

OBAMA: I have to disagree with you, Hillary. I have too much faith in Americans to think that they would take seriously anything said by a degenerate like Bill. The reason I was reelected is that the voters wanted me to raise taxes on people with high incomes. That’s the official line now. People don’t mind being broke and out of work as long as I raise Warren Buffett’s taxes.
HILLARY: (trying to calm herself) This whole discussion is moot. How can he resign retroactively?

OBAMA: Protocol calls for him to submit his resignation to the Secretary of State. But I can understand how that might embarrass you, so how about if he submits his resignation to Madeleine Albright, who was secretary of state when he was diddling Monica?

HILLARY: Does anyone even know where that useless old bag went?

OBAMA: I think she retired somewhere, and has become an accomplished mah jongg player.

HILLARY: (wheedling) You aren’t thinking this through, Mr. President. Do you realize that if Bill resigns, Al Gore will be written into the history books as the President from 1998 to 2001? His morals are not exactly the highest. Tipper bounced him when she found out that he had sexually harassed a female massage therapist, who just happened to be the only authentic, morally correct massage therapist in the world.

OBAMA: Well, we can ask him to resign too.  General Petraeus has set the standard, and everyone has to comply with it. By the way, have you had any affairs?

HILLARY: (ignoring the question) Mr. President, what happens if you yourself stray someday? Will you live up to your stated principles and resign?

OBAMA: (chuckling) Not much chance of that, Hillary. If I tried anything, Michelle would knock me through the wall.

Author Bio:

Arthur Louis spent more than forty years as a print journalist, with the Philadelphia Inquirer, McGraw-Hill, Fortune magazine and the San Francisco Chronicle, but he is not asking for sympathy. He is the author of two non-fiction books: The Tycoons, and Journalism and Other Atrocities, as well as a novel, The Little Champ. In retirement, he has decided unilaterally that he is a profound political pundit.
Author website:
  • Alver

    And the Purpose of all this? Psychological healing?

  • Wheels55

    Great point! But the CIA is held to higher standards than the President.

    • artlouis

      Thanks! I was pleased to see that Limbaugh picked up on essentially the same theme today. For once I beat him. However, he had the disadvantage of not being able to broadcast on the weekend.

  • artlouis

    Excellent point!

  • David Cady

    Remind me to keep whining about what lying bastards Romney and Ryan were over the next twenty years. Grow up.

    • artlouis

      I don’t think you will need a reminder. Did they have affairs too?

  • terry


    • artlouis

      It’s embarrassing. Maybe she has visited too many countries where fat women are considered the most desirable.

  • Venter

    Interesting read. Maybe Bill and Obama wanted the General to resigned because he knows where Hillary is.

    • artlouis

      Venter, I believe Hillary is headed on a crucial diplomatic mission to Paraguay, which will solve all the problems in the Middle East.

  • BarryG

    Human sexuality is at a lower level than rationality. I think we should just separate the two. I’d rather 10x Bill Clinton with 10x the interns than one more Cheney-Bush. Bush destroyed our empire, culiminating what Reagan started. It’s been a series of bad trades — greater rich-poor divide does not lead to growth. Government=>research=>markets. But the republicans hate that and will tell you so on the internet which would never have been invented in a pure market economy. Same with microchips, GPS and now “private” space flight. All total government inventions until that day when there’s finally enough development for them to be turned over to markets. But no gov, and you get no fundamental innovation (just improvements) and you get no markets — market equilibrium is winner take all monopoly. Microsoft with guns. Why does no one talk about this? Markets don’t work without government to balance them. Gov doesn’t work without markets. But the rethuglicans just run against gov.

    • artlouis

      It is true that some marvelous technological breakthroughs have been sponsored by government. Unfortunately, this usually (I believe) happens during wartime, or perhaps cold-war time. How do you feel about war?

      If you want to put everything in the hands of government, that includes yourself and your destiny. Do you really trust politicians to rule your life?

      • Patrick

        Hey Barry, two words: post office.

        • BarryG

          Don’t go into absurd ideology. The post office was an incredible innovation that only a government could pull off at the time that hugely increased our business and productivity for 200 years. Finally, centuries later, we have computers, internet UPS, FedEx, logistics and private companies can *partially* take over shipping things. Look, I work with some of those parcel companies. You are aware (no?) that they absolutely still rely on the post office for rural deliveries? Would hurt their profit margins otherwise. They wouldn’t serve such customers otherwise, well not at affordable prices. That’s one of the many thousands of hidden subsidies that make “free” markets work. Rural areas wouldn’t even get internet without this. E.g. No fox news to your constituents.

          You don’t really work in business do you? I’d trust an elected representative ANY DAY over a businessman. I am one. I never get a contract without some screw over clause that some high priced lawyer has to ferret out. Sheesh. Gov. contracts are devoid of this. It’s total BS anyhow. If you want private space flight in 10-20 years, you better damn well have government complete the last 30 billion of the ongoing trillion dollar subsidy of it or it will never happen.

          In a libertarian society the Internet, space flight, freeways NEVER happen because businesses are local optimizers and can simply never make global moves. Once the government, after decades and decades of research and support from coercing tax out of all of us globally opens up a niche such as the internet, then and only then is the time to stand aside and let markets do what they do: fill in new economic niches. This does not constrain my destiny it enriches it hugely. I want more internets, I want a private market in space flight. That’s why I support government. I’m wary of government, but we’d have little without pooling everything to pay for such advances.

          • chris

            I am not sure whether you are joking or not, i certainly hope you are being sarcastic, because if you aren’t the fact that there are people who think as you frightens me deeply.

            Our government is now competent for exactly NOTHING. The TSA takes credit for confiscating 7.5 million “weapons” aka nail clippers yet fails 35% of the test of people bringing guns through.

            Watch FEMA with Sandy, I personally watched them setting up tents and sitting on their hands while people were hard at work cleaning up. So what do they do with all the idle labor of FEMA, national guard etc, they announce FREE GAS. Never mind that they have no experience or infrastructure to give gas away!!. Thousands lined up for free gas. Now FEMA can claim helping thousands of “Sandy effected people” Please!!

  • Tamara Sheeler

    Love it!

    • artlouis

      Thanks, Tamara. I am blushing.

  • Maggieangel

    Completely stupid article. Sorry I wasted my time reading it.

    • artlouis

      Thanks for reading it. I look forward to equally helpful comments on future articles.