SCENE: The Oval Office
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thanks for stopping by, Hillary. As a courtesy, I wanted to let you know that I have accepted the resignation of General David Petraeus as director of the Central Intelligence Agency.
HILLARY CLINTON: Oh, that’s wonderful! You may recall that he and I didn’t get along too well. When he testified before Congress as a military leader, I called him a liar.
OBAMA: Yes, it was kind of you not to scream at me when I appointed him to the CIA. Between you and Michelle, the noise around here can be very unsettling.
HILLARY: I understood that you needed to appoint someone with a Roman last name, to appease the Catholics.
OBAMA: Actually, it is a Dutch name.
HILLARY: Whatever. You needed all the votes you could get from every ethnic group.
OBAMA: You might be interested to know why he resigned. He was involved in an extramarital affair. Does that sound familiar?
HILLARY: No, I had no idea he was involved in an affair.
OBAMA: That’s not what I mean. I mean do you know of anyone, close to you, who was involved in an extramarital affair?
HILLARY: Oh, you mean that sleazy bastard Bill? That’s old news. No one cares about that anymore. He is more popular than ever.
OBAMA: Don’t you notice something different between Bill’s case and David’s. David, feeling that he no longer could represent himself as a man of honor, came forward and resigned. Bill didn’t. He squirmed, he lied, he weaseled, he fought the special prosecutor, he fought impeachment. He finished his term as President.
HILLARY: (raising her voice) If I may speak freely, Mr. President, what the BLEEP are you driving at?
OBAMA: Hillary, I think Bill should man up, follow the example of General Petraeus and resign from office.
HILLARY: (screaming) What the BLEEP is wrong with you, you wimpy little BLEEP? He no longer holds any office.
OBAMA: I mean retroactively. He should officially resign as President of the United States, effective January 1998, when his affair with Monica Lewinsky became known to the public.
HILLARY: (still screaming) What a BLEEPING ingrate you are! Don’t you know that this wonderful man saved your presidency and got you reelected with his artfully crafted, demagogic, disingenuous speeches?
OBAMA: I have to disagree with you, Hillary. I have too much faith in Americans to think that they would take seriously anything said by a degenerate like Bill. The reason I was reelected is that the voters wanted me to raise taxes on people with high incomes. That’s the official line now. People don’t mind being broke and out of work as long as I raise Warren Buffett’s taxes.
HILLARY: (trying to calm herself) This whole discussion is moot. How can he resign retroactively?
OBAMA: Protocol calls for him to submit his resignation to the Secretary of State. But I can understand how that might embarrass you, so how about if he submits his resignation to Madeleine Albright, who was secretary of state when he was diddling Monica?
HILLARY: Does anyone even know where that useless old bag went?
OBAMA: I think she retired somewhere, and has become an accomplished mah jongg player.
HILLARY: (wheedling) You aren’t thinking this through, Mr. President. Do you realize that if Bill resigns, Al Gore will be written into the history books as the President from 1998 to 2001? His morals are not exactly the highest. Tipper bounced him when she found out that he had sexually harassed a female massage therapist, who just happened to be the only authentic, morally correct massage therapist in the world.
OBAMA: Well, we can ask him to resign too. General Petraeus has set the standard, and everyone has to comply with it. By the way, have you had any affairs?
HILLARY: (ignoring the question) Mr. President, what happens if you yourself stray someday? Will you live up to your stated principles and resign?
OBAMA: (chuckling) Not much chance of that, Hillary. If I tried anything, Michelle would knock me through the wall.