Cults, Religions & Te’o

What I find so fascinating about atheists is that they are so certain there’s no God that they’ve gone and created a religion based on that conviction.

But they’re not alone in their lunacy. Take the rabid environmentalists, if you will. Their central belief is that Earth would be far better off if it weren’t for people. Now I happen to feel that way about California, but it’s not the same thing at all. It’s one thing to look around at the beauty of this state, with its temperate climate and magnificent coastline, and not muse about how glorious this place would be if it weren’t infested with liberals.

That’s quite different from those loons who actually believe that the planet — home to swamps, marshes, frozen tundra and millions of loathsome critters that have multiples of two legs — would be a paradise if it weren’t for human beings.

I agree it would be greatly improved if these nutjobs found a way to remove themselves to Mars or a distant galaxy, but how are they any different from the pagans who prostrated themselves to tree gods, moon gods and mountain gods? Or, for that matter, people like Jamie Fox, Joy Behar and Sarah Jessica Parker, who are convinced that the messiah resides in the White House. The main difference is that in the old days, they used to sacrifice young maidens to their gods and now they employ innocent children as political props.

Speaking of mountains and the morons who climb them, if it were up to me, I’d insist these guys put up a bond prior to setting out. That would cover the expense of rescuing them. I say if you climb a mountain for no better reason than that it’s there, we should leave you there unless you pay up first.

Although I’d like to think that conservatives are superior to liberals in every way, it’s simply not true. Consider the fact that when liberals decide that churches and synagogues are a lot of hooey, they don’t attend services and they don’t send their kids there to be indoctrinated by those they regard as charlatans.

What’s more, they don’t enroll their children in religious schools. But how often do conservatives decide not to send their kids to public schools and colleges because they don’t want them being brainwashed by dedicated left-wingers? Heck, conservatives even continue paying annual dues to AARP in spite of the fact the group used millions of their dollars to promote ObamaCare.

I hate to say it, but the evidence is overwhelming that liberals actually believe the nonsense they spout, whereas most conservatives merely pay lip service to the beliefs they allege to hold dear.

Frankly, it would be disheartening to follow politics in America if politicians didn’t provide me with as many laughs as they do. For instance, Gov. Andrew Cuomo proudly signs the toughest gun laws in America, going so far as to banish guns that hold more than seven bullets. It was only after putting his name to the bill that he discovered that he had not made exceptions of NY police officers, who generally pack sidearms holding 15-bullets. Even for a New York politician, that constitutes a major “whoops.”

Then, for additional chuckles, we have the always reliable laugh machine, Harry Reid. He recently said that he refused to let the Senate vote on banning assault weapons because he knows the House Republicans would never pass such a bill. Because the media knows their role in the D.C. charade, none of them ever let on that the actual reason was that a large number of Senate Democrats would never back the measure, at least not if they ever hoped to be re-elected.

Speaking of the Washington press corps, Obama would be right for once if he pronounced the word “corpse.”

Some wag suggested that it’s been so cold in California this winter that Democrats have been spotted with their hands in their own pockets. But that sure wouldn’t be Al Gore. In fact, until Gore dove head-first into the pockets of those oil sheikhs funding Al Jazeera, I didn’t even know those schmucks had pockets in their robes.

I think the final word on the phony war on weapons staged by Obama came in answer to the question: Why carry a gun? Answer: Because you’d get a hernia carrying a cop.

If I could change one thing about the Internet, I think I would find a way to time-stamp all those items that go viral and then never disappear. Just the other day, I received that item about the Post Office putting out the tribute-to-Islam postage stamp. I believe that one started going around back in 2009. I will therefore take this occasion to beg all of you not to forward me anything. The way it works is that I’d much rather not get anything the first time than risk eventually getting it 50 times.

Finally, even I can’t resist commenting on Manti Te’o and the love of his life, which, it so happens, was actually the Heisman Trophy. I realize that the girl was a ploy to garner sympathy and votes for the All American linebacker and that, no doubt at the behest of the Notre Dame athletic department, Te’o continued to string things along for some time after the scandal broke.

Still, I can’t help suspecting that his sorrow was at least partly heart-felt. After all, fantasy or not, she never nagged. She never complained that the only thing he ever did when not playing football was watch it on TV. And, what’s more, she never carried on about the other co-eds he dated.

But best of all, she never, not once, ragged on him about having that goofy apostrophe in the middle of his name.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Venus Tupa’i

    An enjoyable reading Burt. One minor point : the apostrophe that is part of Te’o is actually not there for aesthetic reasons. Those who may be familiar with the Samoan language will know that an apostrophe in the middle of a name (and usually between two vowels) is imperative for correct pronunciation.(Names and words can have the same spelling but a different pronunciation and meaning altogether). Perhaps a bit peculiar to some but then all languages are unique in their own way I suppose.

  • Souvoter

    Since I became really aware why I was clashing with so many and could put a name on it (liberalism-progressivism-socialism), I have cleansed myself of many bad habits. I won’t name them but I still refuse to join AARP no matter how many thousands pieces of mail I receive!!Just need to find another car insurance co. besides Progressive who donates only to democrats (I should have known), duh!!

  • terry

    I Belong to a religion that helps others. Our sports people want $ 850 million for a
    new Arena. We dont need a new Arena. Raise the money and give it to those suffering. Charities, like Wounded Warriors Project, Shriners Hospital for Crippled
    Children, St Judes Hosipital for Children with Cancer, the Homeless Etc. Lets get
    our Priorities in order!

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Nobody needs a new arena. And any city that coughs up the tax dollars to buy one for a team owner who will pull out as soon as his profits dip is just plain nuts.


  • GlenFS

    Burt, thanks for all the laughs. Some great lines from a great mind!

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Thank you, Glen. Much appreciated.


  • DOOM161

    Al Gore claims that AL Jazeera is causing “climate change” and sold his network to them supposedly because of their topnotch coverage of “climate change”. That’s like lauding Nixon’s extensive knowledge of Watergate.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Doom: I heard Gore laud Al Jazeera for its coverage of global warming, not insist it caused it. It’s bad enough that if you look up “hypocrite” in the dictionary, you’ll see his picture. Also “windbag,” “gasbag” and “jackass.”


  • DanB_Tiffin

    Has anyone else looked at the following video on Youtube? It is a hoot! Search for:
    Extreme Tree Huggers