TV INTERVIEWER: This is the latest in a series of televised interviews with people who have told us about despicable misdeeds committed by the Republican candidate for President of the United States.
In past interviews we have recounted how this candidate has been guilty of murder, securities fraud, tax evasion, animal cruelty, incest, sexual harassment, public indecency, jaywalking, littering, loitering, pouring toxic chemicals into the sewer and leaving his cellphone on while attending a movie. One of the few things that he doesn’t seem to have done is snort cocaine and smoke marijuana at college while serious students were attending class.
Just yesterday we reported on how the candidate reacted to the death of a former employee’s wife by celebrating with a riotous party that lasted until his 8 p.m. bedtime.
Today we were planning to present a report that we thought might be the clincher — about how the candidate, supposedly a devout Mormon, had surreptitiously sipped some Pepsi-Cola from a cup handed him by a friend at a Debby Boone concert in 1973.
That can wait until tomorrow, however, because today we have something really hot. It seems that just this morning a woman from a Washington, D.C. suburb was abducted by a man in a limousine, whom she later identified to police as “that guy who is running for President.” She says she was taken to a remote location in Virginia and assaulted.
Here she is, live in our studio. Welcome to our program, Ms. X.
MS. X (A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN LOOKING DISHEVELED): It is great to be here. Thank you for having me.
INTERVIEWER: Please tell us, in your own words, what happened to you this morning.
MS. X: Very well. Could you please rotate the TelePrompter slightly to the left? There is a glare from the window.
(A TECHNICIAN MAKES THE ADJUSTMENT.)
MS. X: I was walking toward the bus from my home in Chevy Chase, heading for my job at a brothel owned by my brother-in-law, when a fancy limousine pulled alongside me. It was a beautiful, highly polished black car, and there was a chauffeur and even bodyguards. A man in the back seat rolled down the window and asked if he could give me a lift to work. He seemed completely respectable, and I was about to accept the invitation, but then I got these bad vibes. I always trust my instincts with men, so I thanked him politely but said no, and started to walk away.
One of the bodyguards jumped out of the car, grabbed me, and threw me into the back seat with the man who had offered the ride. The chauffeur then burned rubber. When I had regained my composure, I took a good look at the man, and recognized him as that guy who is running for President. I scarcely follow politics at all, but I had seen his face many times on TV.
We drove for a long time, crossing over into Virginia, and finally stopped in a rural area that happened to be familiar to me. I had occasionally taken some of my favorite tricks out there for picnicking and hiking on days when the weather was clear and not too hot.
This candidate guy ordered everybody out of the car except him and me, and locked all the doors. Did I mention that all the windows were tinted? He then proceeded to assault me.
INTERVIEWER: Do you mean sexually?
MS. X: Of course, silly. When he was finished he gave me a twenty-dollar bill, then summoned the chauffeur and bodyguards, and drove me to work.
INTERVIEWER: So let me summarize. You are saying that Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican candidate for President, kidnapped and raped you?
MS. X: What was that name again?
INTERVIEWER: Romney. Mitt Romney.
MS. X: No, that’s not it. It was that skinny guy with the Irish name. O-something.
(THE SCREEN GOES BLANK.)
VOICEOVER: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing technical difficulties.