Vice President Biden recently warned an audience in Virginia, many of them blacks,that if GOP candidate George Romney captures the White House,“he’s gonna put y’all back in chains.” I guess “y’all” is how they say it way down south in Scranton, PA, where Biden was born.
This set me to thinking about the possible money-making opportunities that
could arise from a Romney presidency. In my journalistic days, I wrote financial-advice columns for two publications, focusing on stock-market investing, so I am inclined to think that way.
The Democratic party’s assault on Romney, in which he has been called a felon, a murderer, a gay-basher, a dog-abuser and a tax cheat, has left Republicans and maybe even others horrified at how low the Democrats are willing to go to hold onto their power. But emotions play no part in investing. To paraphrase a great philosopher: “Don’t get mad, get rich.” It may have been Donald Trump, but don’t hold me to that.
If Romney is elected, it seems, certain industries that now are considered humdrum might overnight become booming growth industries. Wise political observers should invest in the stocks of companies in those industries, or, if you want to take more than a passive role, you might start your own businesses. Assuming that Romney is elected, it might actually make sense once again to start a business in the United States.
Let’s begin with the obvious first choice: companies that make or sell chains. They provide obvious growth opportunities. There are some 39 million black people in the United States, and every one of them is going to be fitted for chains, shackles, handcuffs and other metallic restraints; even the professional athletes.
There are a lot of chain companies, and I don’t intend to present a comprehensive list or to analyze their finances in detail. I don’t want to play favorites. You can look them up as easily as I can on Google.
The fact that we might be electing a tax cheat and a violator of securities laws suggests that one should invest in tax-preparation businesses,accountancy firms and law firms. Many people carefully observe the habits and preferences of presidents, and try to emulate them. Therefore, many people will want to evade taxes, or violate Securities and Exchange Commission rules, and they will need professional help.
You may wonder how there could possibly be more tax cheats and securities shysters than there are already, but it seems to me that people who cheat casually and occasionally will now feel justified in cheating systematically and on a grand scale.
We can expect a new outbreak of dog-abuse with Romney in the White House, which suggests that it would be wise to enter the veterinary profession. I should warn you that getting a veterinary degree is quite as difficult as getting a medical degree, so you must truly be dedicated. Happily, there is at least one publicly held veterinary-hospital chain. Buy and hold.
If Romney was callous enough to murder the wife of one of his former employees, and to not even care about it, who is to say that he might not develop into a serial killer? After all, he will inherit President Obama’s collection of life-taking drones, including those reserved for domestic use, which will make it easy for him to carry on the Obama tradition of serial murder. Funeral parlors and casket-makers should do a thriving business under Romney.
Finally, there is Romney’s old tendency to bash gays. Back when he used to do it, he may not have been aware that his targets were gay. We only know that he rough-housed an unconventional male schoolmate who had long hair and dyed it yellow.
By now we can assume that Romney can identify gays and will bash them at every opportunity, and that this might start a trend, reversing the social gains that gays have achieved over the decades. So here we have a short-selling proposition. Unload or sell short the stocks of companies that make yellow hair dye, pink clothing for men and hemorrhoid treatments. Not many people are going to dare use those products anymore.
Do invest in barber shops and barber colleges. More people are going to be cutting their hair more often.