I Get Letters From People Who Should Be Locked Up

I get a lot of mail from people who watch me on The O’Reilly Factor or have read my books or the columns I post here on my Web site.  Most of it is smart.  That’s the stuff written by people like you.  Some of it is stupid.  Really, really stupid.  That’s the stuff written by other people.

Obviously, it would be a big waste of time to dwell on the stupid emails.  So let’s do it.  Why?  Because it’s fun, that’s why.

After President Obama released his long form birth certificate I got some emails from folks who said they weren’t buying it.

Shirley sent me (and lots of other people) an email that began, “The Joke’s on You America – A Closer Look at Obama’s Birth Certificate.”  Shirley then went on to inform me (and anyone else unlucky enough to be on her mailing list) that the document was phony.

Here’s the opening of her email, which was incredibly well-reasoned for a woman who was clearly off her meds:

“Fellow Patriot,

“President Barack Obama’s long form birth certificate released at last – we knew it was too good to be true.

“In his attempts to quell Donald Trump’s demands for the never-released long-form birth certificate, President Barack Obama may have just landed himself even deeper in the controversy.

“After closer investigation, sources say the document has been altered and that whoever did it wasn’t ever very clever at doing so.”

“We’re not public records experts by any means,” Shirley informs us, “but it does not take anything more than common sense to know that President Barack Hussein Obama is trying to pull a fast one on us…”

So let’s see if I understand this:  Barack Obama is so devious that even though he was born in Kenya, or someplace else foreign, he still manages to fool (some) people into thinking he was born in Hawaii, then comes up with a birth certificate that is so clearly fraudulent that even a chucklehead like Shirley who is no public records expert can detect the alterations.

Memo to all:  Anytime you get an email that says it comes from “Shirley” carefully pick up your computer, walk it into the bathroom, and flush it down the toilet.  You can thank me later.

I also got an email from Bill, on the same subject.  This one said, “The document lists the President’s father’s birthplace as Kenya. But Kenya didn’t officially become Kenya until December 12, 1963. The President was born in 1961. Would his birth certificate list a country that wasn’t officially a country?”

Bill goes on:  “Before that date, the land was officially British East Africa Protectorate, or simply British East Africa. It was also referred to as Kenya Colony, or the Protectorate of Kenya.  Was it referred to simply as ‘Kenya?’ Yes, in this map of Africa from 1950 [at this point Bill attaches a link to the aforementioned map].

And Bill then writes, “It is conceivable that Kenya was put on the birth certificate instead of the official ‘British East Africa Protectorate’ or even ‘British East Africa.’ I would think at a minimum, it would say ‘Colony of Kenya,’ since that is how it was described in 1961.

“Simply putting Kenya is conceivable, but it does cause me to go: Hmmmmm.”

You know what causes me to go Hmmmmmm, Bill?  The fact that you’re not locked up in the Paranoid Ward of the State Mental Institution.

Not long ago I wrote about the promiscuous use of the word “racist” by liberals to try to silence Donald Trump and anyone else who disagrees with President Obama on just about any subject.  That one earned me an email from Rick, who wrote (and this is the entirety of his post):  “Your a rasist!”

Three words and this dummy gets two of them wrong!

I hope this column generates lots of posts and emails.  But not the regular … normal … kind.  Instead, try to make them as stupid (and funny) as you can.  The winner gets a prize:  a date with Shirley or Bill, depending on your preference.  You can go to dinner and talk about how Barack Obama is a secret agent of the Muslim Brotherhood and stuff like that.

Or, you can go to the zoo with Rick, buy him some ice cream and a balloon and ask if he can spell “Cat.”  If he’s behaving, spot him the c and the a.

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  • Owen Kerr is busted

    Wow, awesome blog layout! How long have you been running a blog for? you made running a blog glance easy. The entire glance of your web site is magnificent, as smartly as the content material!

  • JR

    As long as they are not too obnoxious or dangerous,it can be amuzing to talk to crazy people. While in a barber shop,I once told a lady barber the wildest story I could dream up,about the government being taken over by space aliens. She was in complete agreement. She said they are called the grays and that they live under the mountains and oceans. She also mentioned that she has met with and spoken to them. She was a completely serious Air Force veteran. I told a guy a story about a company trying to microwave our brains. He took over with complete elaboration and agreement. I’ve noticed that when telling a wild and fanciful story,I don’t have to look far to find people who believe it and agree. When telling a factual experience,I’ve been called a liar alot. It would be fun to be a tabloid writer.

  • Paul Courtney

    To admin: My last few submissions disappear. Something I said?

  • Bob

    Wow. Today (5-24-11) you would think President Obama was born in Ireland!

  • Tim Ned

    This conspiracy is so vast and obvious I can’t believe no one has picked up on this. This is obviously Area-51 stuff. Aliens crashed landed back in the 40’s and we know this is true because the internet says so. For years the aliens along with our brightest minds have been breeding politicians and planting them in hospitals with fake birth certificates. It’s called “Operation Stork”. It’s obvious they are still having issues with the formulas as sometimes they have mixed too much of a liberal gene and at other times too much of a conservative gene. With John Edwards and Bill Clinton they obviously used way too much “Hound” gene. Well got to go, Elvis just walked by and I need his autograph!

  • EddieD_Boston

    Obama’s BC is a complete non-issue for me. What I can’t stand is the media’s double standard. If they could find time to research Bush’s National Guard record why couldn’t they prove where Obama was born.
    Let the issue die. It makes conservative look like 9/11 truthers. What is more important is his looney left-wing policies. “Where going to redistribute that wealth.”. This is the problem, not where he was born.

    • EddieD_Boston


      I meant to say “We are going to redistribute that wealth”.

  • Dan

    Great fucken article Bernie! You should post more of the nuts’ emails, tons of laughs.

  • ulyssesmsu

    I agree that the people who wrote to Bernie about Obama’s birth certificate sound like nuts, but I don’t agree that the issue has been resolved by the supposed “official” long-form BC. This is a very serious issue that is being white-washed even by good reporters like Bernie. What other presidential candidate in history has ever been allowed to refuse to show his BC and to ask everyone to just take his word for it? BHO’s refusal to show his BC is suspicious, and it’s no one’s fault but BHO’s. If he had shown the BC at first, there would be no questions, assuming that he’s legit. But pretending that “there’s nothing to see here” doesn’t make the issue disappear. It just makes us all willfully blind.

    • http://www.bernardgoldberg.com/ Bernard Goldberg


      name another American president who has been asked to show his birth certificate

      • Bob Hadley

        Good point Bernie.

        The problem with your contest is that it’s often hard to tell who’s trying to participate and who’s serious. A lot of these posts sound eerily familar.

        “A Modest Proposal” these posts are not. 😛

      • bill

        If there was one he showed it and it never got in the news.

  • http://blog.cyberquill.com Cyberquill

    As it turns out, some of the information on the birth certificate of Arnold’s love child was false, such as “name of father.” So why should we trust anything it says on anyone’s birth certificate? For all I know, Ronald Reagan may have been born in Tasmania.

  • Thomas Huff

    Oh Bern Bern…how naïve. How could you have missed the obvious signs of forgery on that birth certificate? First, ‘Kenya’ – like that could possibly be a real country. Have you been there? Didn’t think so. And I’ve found a gap in ‘the Machine’s’ web of lies to prove that it doesn’t exist! If you go onto Google Maps and search for ‘Kenya’, you are directed to East Africa. But after switching to Satellite view and removing borders and text, you realize that there are no indicators that Kenya even exists! Foiled.

    Not convinced? The birth certificate indicates the president was born at a ‘gynecological’ hospital. But he’s a man. Yeah, mull that over for a while. His mother’s occupation is left blank, but she was 18 at the time. His father was a student, but at 18 we are supposed to believe she wasn’t also in school? This means that, at best, his mother was a truant. So much for his educational pedigree.

    Though none of this matters. You need not look past the registrar’s signature. The president and his Machine have such contempt for our intelligence that they must have laughed while writing ‘ukulele’ in the place of the registrar’s. So the only witness to his birth was a guitar? That figures.

    And it is within the name ‘ukulele’ that the real question becomes apparent. Wikipedia tells us that a man who goes by the stage name Taj Mahal used a ukulele. He used it to play songs such as Cakewalk into Town and Sweet Home Chicago. For those of you struggling to connect the dots, a Black musician (who, because of his race must know the president and be part of the conspiracy) tells us that president came through India to his new home Chicago and that it was all a ‘cake walk’. They are laughing at us!! The only question now is, when did the president swim from ‘Kenya’ to India? Never fear, I am hot on the trail!

  • Guet34

    I was never a “birther”, not really caring either way if Obama was born in Hawaii or in Kenya. It wouldn’t make much difference to me, but when I saw the long form birth certificate picked apart layer by layer of it’s 16 or so layers in Adobe Illustrator, I guess I became a “birther”.
    Especially when I downloaded my own pdf version of Obama’s long form birth certificate from the WhiteHouse.gov website and tried to replicate what I saw on the youtube video with my own Adobe Illustrator. It’s not just a fake, I mean, it is a really, really BAD fake. Anyone who’s worked with Illustrator a while can tell you: a complete amateur slapped this together, and I think it was so Obama could keep the controversy going and sell birth certificate merchandise for his campaign as he is doing now. But no, the birth certificate he released is not just a fake, it is an obvious fake. No matter, I didn’t know where he was born before and I still don’t know now, but it’s not like I was going to vote for him again anyway (a mistake I made in 2008. Sorry America).

  • Rick007

    I kan spel kat!

  • http://www.bigbureaucracy.com/ Ellie Velinska

    It helps the folks learn the world map and bits of history. Kenya, colonization… If only we can come up with ‘conspiracy’ that Obama was born in America, many may even learn their own country’s map and history.

    • BARB

      I don’t care where he was born…I just don’t want him living in the WH after the next election.

  • Tom

    Please continue publishing the hate mail. I find it quite entertaining.

  • Ken Besig, Israel

    I don’t see the problem with someone believing that Barack Obama is not an American since it makes no difference whatsoever. Obama is still the President, will run for that office again, and there is no chance at all that he will ever face removal from office on the basis of his citizenship.
    The problem is that Barack Obama is the President and he is doing such a lousy job at it that I personally wish he would spend more time doing things he is good at. You know, tossing hoops with his cronies, organizing poetry readings by Black racists in the White House, going on vacation, or just hitting the golfing greens.
    Besides, there are so many good, solid, and moral reasons to oppose Obama’s policies and despise Obama himself, mainly for his debasing the value of the Presidency with his sarcastic and puerile attacks on those who disagree with him, that his birth status doesn’t matter at all.

  • jay soto

    i feel sory for dsk.they are hijacking him because hes from euorop. i live in nyc.for attempt rape ive seen people put 500. bail original ada.was ok 250k was stopped by da himself.just because victem wants make coupl millions somebody want to write book i hope we dont have to pay next time we travel to france.
    write back if you feel like it

    • RecknHavic

      Grate condiment jay!

  • Clarence De Barrows

    Well, here we go again! No one mentions the fact that the birth certificate is a convenient diversion from the issue that really cripples Obama’s credibility. He is not a natural born Citizen as required by the Constitution. If it makes me an idiot to state that, so be it. That said and even though I have high regard for much of what Glenn Beck and all of you, Bernie, have done to enlighten a somnambulating populace the fact is it places you, Bill Oreilly, Glenn Beck and yes, even Bernard Goldberg in the questionable position of being evasive as you focus on the diversion and deign not to address the relevant issue. O.K., you can cuff me now.

  • Jean Pearson

    Bernie, another well said piece! I am still laughing.

  • Bob

    I want to see Bin Ladin’s Death Certificate…the long form. :-)

  • Konrad Lau

    But seriously…

    A: Those predominantly well educated, affluent citizens in Florida’s Broward County were so confused about their ballots; they mistakenly elected George Bush as their president. As far as I know, there are still liberal operatives down there re-counting those votes, trying to invalidate W’s election.


    B: The whole thing was a Democrat conspiracy intended to “muddy the waters” but was so complex they forgot to bring the instructions to the County Auditor’s office when the tabulations began

    Cyberquill, perhaps you should change the batteries in your wireless keyboard and stop sharpening your “cyberquill”. The dust you are creating is affecting your mind.


    When I first read your opening line I thought you were going to say “I get letters from dead people”. After reading your column I found my first guess was pretty close.


  • JohnInMA

    Electronic communication such as email and blogging has given people an outlet for their emotions that previously required more effort. In the past one had to put the energy into writing and mailing, perhaps with some travel involved. Or, one had to go to the town square, or the equivalent, to shout and rant in full view of one’s neighbors. Now you can simply and furiously bang a keyboard and within seconds, POOF, you have your catharsis. And better yet, you can join with other anonymous but equally emotional people across the Internet and send out form letters (wasn’t “Shirley’s”??). And your efficiency is outstanding. One minute and a click to Send, and you can convince yourself that you have a massive audience and are changing the debate.

  • Mike Lidikay

    “I Get Letters From People Who Should Be Locked Up”
    That was a Great read. Thanks for the laughs.
    Sincerely, Mike Lidikay

  • http://blog.cyberquill.com Cyberquill

    Obama was born in Hawaii, alright, but there are serious questions regarding the legitimacy of Hawaii as a U.S. state:

    Why, for instance, were a mere 155,000 voters out of a total population of 600,000 eligible to vote in the Hawaii statehood referendum in 1959? Why was the majority ineligible to vote?

    Moreover, 93% (!) of the 140,000 ballots cast were in favor of statehood. That’s a suspiciously high percentage, usually only seen in elections for brutal dictators where most people are scared to vote for anyone else. So either (a) the statehood referendum was rigged via some form of voter intimidation, or (b) the ballot was so confusing that many of those who voted Yes actually meant to vote No. Sure enough, if you look at the actual ballot, at the bottom it says the following:

    To vote on a proposition, make an X in the square to the right of the word “YES” or “No.”

    Obviously, that’s confusing. The ballot SHOULD have said:

    To vote Yes, make an X in the square to the right of the word “YES.” To vote No, make an X in the square to the right of the word “No.”

    But the way the instruction on the ballot was actually phrased, it wasn’t clear whether making an X next to “YES” would be counted as a Yes vote or as a No vote. Conceivably, putting an X next to “YES” could have been understood as voting NO by crossing out the Yes option.

    Therefore, the 1959 Hawaiian statehood referendum must be declared invalid. Hawaii has never been a legitimate U.S. state. Hence, having been born there does NOT fulfill the natural-born requirement for the presidency.

    • U S of A

      I vote for you to win Bernie’s contest!

      • http://blog.cyberquill.com Cyberquill

        Thanks. I’d prefer Shirley as my prize.

        But seriously: less than 1/3 of the Hawaiian population were eligible to vote, and out of those, 93% voted alike? No way, no how.

    • JDO

      I was about to call my brother up and tell him that he’s no longer an American citizen (since he was born in Hawai’i), but I quickly remembered that he was born at Tripler, so he WAS actually born on American soil. Pink, er, Coral-colored (in a way) American soil, but American nonetheless, lol!

  • CCNV

    Maybe Obama was hiding the fact that he was delivered by The Stork; thus, he is nothing more than a bird dropping.

  • robin in fl

    I will be the first to admit I may not be the most intelligent person in the world,neither am I a dummy (I hope).I do love listening to people that I feel are smarter then I am,I always have..I just needed to weed out who was actually smart and who was just plain ol’ mean or crazy!

    It may have taken me a while to realize just how crazy people are with some of the things they say.I use to try and explain and re explain certain things to them..funny they still didn’t seem to have a clue what I had just said and would only speak over me and get real loud..I gave up..now I go by the less is more thing and when I realize I may be speaking to a person or persons that seem to be so far out there that no matter how hard I would try and explain something still wouldn’t ‘get it’..now that’s all I tell them,I simply say all the explaining I could do won’t help them understand what I was saying and then I just look at them with a *blank stare*…little do they actually know that while they are thinking how wise and intelligent they are and how they ‘won’ the argument because they are so superior to my simple mind , I am thinking of what they would look like with duct tape over their mouth trying to explain it to me…

    well that may sound crazy to some,but it works for me..that’s what happens to some of us when we OD on peoples stupidity.

    but next time I reply to you bernie I am going to try my best to be as idiotically stupid ,crazy ,paranoid as I can conjure up ..just so I get an honorable mention. ..and for the record..I never cared where Obama was born,I just hope he doesn’t get re elected … .

    all I know is I enjoy listening(and now reading) you,even though we may disagree on certain things and I’ll admit your way smarter then I am..it’s all good though and I think your pretty cool!

  • Terry Walbert

    I don’t see the point of publishing emails about Obama’s birht certificate. Those who write such things are not even dangerous. The really dangerous people today are those in the Obama administraiton and their Congressional and media minions who are so selectively uncurious about his policies.

  • Bruce A.

    Bernie, this is a popular well known blog. You have to expect more than a few slighly off balance people to write in. I did take notice that this article was posted on May 18, the day after a full moon.

  • Bob Hadley

    What do you expect, with the “facts optional” and “whose reality?” culture that has been developing over the last 20 years or so? There’s always been kooks, such as the compulsive conspiracy mongers and others (such as those who believe the Earth is flat), but until recently they have typically been isolated and seemingly a relative few. Now, with the advent of the internet (and, perhaps, other media such as twitter), the ratings-driven 24 hour cable “news” stations and demagogues or just the publicity-happy, the increasing blur between facts and opinion is entering the mainstream.

    Maybe you and others who practice real journalism–whether left, right or center–could band together to oppose this culture by engendering real debate on real issues with real facts. If you did this, however, you might be banished from O’Reilly’s show. I know you have been critical of FNC or sometimes of O’Reilly on the Factor, but I don’t think O’Reilly would be able to tolerate too much criticism coming from you. Much of his base would not like too much criticism of their non-thinking. If I’m wrong and O’Reilly keeps you as a guest inspite of your full-throated criticism of him and FNC (among other talk show hosts and other channels), then more power to O’Reilly.

    I think a lot of people look for facts but are not aware that they are getting incomplete or lopsided agenda-driven reporting, whether on FNC, SNBC, CNN, NBC, CBS etc. Even to the extent that they may be aware of this, many don’t have the time to seek out a more complete rendition of the facts by watching different networks and reading different newspapers.

  • Ron Kean

    There were so many law suits. An MD went to jail over the birth issue. I guess MDs aren’t necessarily smart. Look at Howard Dean.

    It doesn’t seem to matter to many why Obama waited so long. Like flipping the bird at Hillary Clinton, I think he just enjoys a #@%$ you attitude. Few had heard of a Certificate of Live Birth before. I only know 3 people who have one. They were all 3 born outside of the USA and that’s a fact.

    So I was on Jack Cashill’s side and Jerome Corsi’s side and a part of me still is and I wonder why Obama didn’t have the courtesy to end the speculation before. Why didn’t he give a break to Americans like me. Why did he leave the door open for speculation? Was that his idea of fun?

    • Bob Hadley

      Once again, a lie travels half around the world before the truth puts on its boots. I think Mark Twain said that.

      President Obama posted his so-called short form Certificate of Live Birth on the internet in 2008. THIS SHORT FORM CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH IS THE OFFICIAL, LEGAL, REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE IN THE STATE OF HAWAII. Got it??????????????

      Once again, I’m Hawaii born and I got my passport by showing my short form. Once again, I have never seen my so-called long form. My hunch is that, other than Obama and perhaps some who work at Hawaii”s Department of Health, no Hawaii born person has seen their long form, either.

      The State of Hawaii does not recognize the so-called long form Certificate of Live Birth. The Hawaii Department of Health does not allow anyone (even the subject person) to obtain a copy of or even to view his long form Certificate of Live Birth. President Obama had to send his attorney to Hawaii to get a special waiver from the Department of Health so that he could obtain a copy of his long form Certificate of Live Birth. This information is readily available to anyone who cares to look.

      Once again, don’t take my word for it. Look up the Hawaii Revised Statutes and see what the law is with reference to the Certificate of Live Birth and the Hawaii Department of Health’s policy on releasing the long form. Doing so is not difficult. In fact, it states right on the short form that it (the short form) is the legal birth certificate,

      This is an excellant example of how many ideologues love to be fooled. They will often glomb onto allegations as facts and ignore real facts when doing so is convenient to their beliefs or agendas. When enough people claim that, until recently, Obama didn’t post a copy of his real birth certificate, they will take that claim as a fact and ignore the real facts. In this case, the real facts have been available as long as has been the dispute.

      This is even more evidence that our schools do not give enough emphasis to critical thinking.

      • Bob Hadley

        Ron, If your above post was really your vie in Bernie’s little contest, then well mea culpa. But your post above sounds strikingly similiar to many other posts I’ve seen on this website.

        • Ron Kean

          I knew I’d be opening myself to ridicule when I said what I said. I don’t need Bernie’s approval and it wasn’t necessary for you to repeat what’s been said for years. I’ve heard it all before. You took the opportunity. Good for you.

          I don’t know your credentials. I’m not particularly interested but I do know Jack Cashill’s and Jerome Corsi’s. Their books have hundreds of footnotes and raise legitimate questions. The birther issue has been put to bed and you may have chosen and now choose to believe most or all of what the president tells you about his past. You may also choose to ignore what he continues to hide. That’s your right but I’m sure we’ll agree on why we hide things.

          I’ll question what I want to question not just because I’m a conservative Republican but also because of the reasoning of people whose writing I respect and because I’m an American. You, Bernie, and the president may tell me what to believe. I’ll think about it.

          • Bob Hadley

            Amazing! You’ve heard what I said, but you still don’t understand. I have never relied on what President Obama has or has not said about his past or about his birth. In this context, I’ve never referenced President Obama’s statements or lack of statements.

            I’ve referenced something known as the law and the policies of Hawaii’s Department of Health. I’ve also referenced what was posted on Obama’s website in 2008 and what the law says about that document and about the availability of the so-called long form. In addition, I’ve referenced my experience with the so-called short form (which I guess you continue to believe is not a real birth certificate) and my non-experience with the long form.

            In this context, it doesn’t matter if Obama is a 100% liar. The documents speak for themselves. The pertinent law speaks for itself. Here, what Obama says or doesn’t say is totally irrelevant.

            I still wonder if you’re only trying to win Bernie’s contest. Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

            Most conservative Republicans I’ve discussed this with would say that you might very well win Bernie’s contest. Yes, because you live in America you have the right to believe inanities, to believe that facts are beliefs and that beliefs are facts and to respect those who reinforce what you’d like to believe.

            Best of luck to you!

            P. S. Footnotes and credentials don’t necessarily mean a thing.

          • Ron Kean

            Guess whatever you want. I don’t care about contests.

            I will say however, that I’ve written papers and if it weren’t for footnotes the points I made would have lacked strength. If you’re telling us that people lie in footnotes. Okay. But to me, that’s inane.

          • Bob Hadley

            Ron Kean,

            No, footnotes don’t lie. Sometimes people lie. Others really believe what they say, even though what they say is utter non-sense. Some even put to writing and have published their non-sense.

            I once saw an essay with loads of reference footnotes arguing that 9/11 was an inside job. Here, do you think footnotes made the essay any less non-sensical?

            Yes, reference footnotes are always useful in that they demonstrate what the author relies on for his information, and can warn the reader that his information is suspect or they can demonstrate that the author made an honest effort to seek out the true facts.

            But footnotes, in and of themselves, do not necessarily make a perspective more compelling.

            Garbage taken in, garbage put out.

  • JDO

    Shirley, she can’t be serious.

  • http://BernardGoldberg. daryl d duke

    I love the part where you write, spot him the C or A. What is the next letter? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.