If Not Elected, I Solemnly Promise…

I’m a big fan of compliments, those little social mechanisms that far too many people have seemingly sold off for parts nowadays. Some of you youngsters out there should seriously think about trying it a time or two. It can actually feel really good to make someone’s day, and don’t rule out the possibility of landing yourself a few extra bucks or a shared moment you can later brag (lie like a 300-LB wool rug) about to your friends. It’s like when you tell a woman “you amaze me,” or “my goodness, I should try out your exercise routine!” Or telling a man “you must get mistaken for a young Harrison Ford a lot” or “my goodness, I should try out your wife’s exercise routine!” (Understand, you should avoid using the Harrison Ford compliment on a woman, even if she’s a dead ringer.)

But as far as I’m concerned, the best thing you can tell anyone, even better than “you appear a better fit for my Aston Martin—here are the keys and title,” is “you’d make a bad politician.” And at the risk of building myself up, a risk I’ll humbly save you from taking, I am in no way cut out to be a politician.

It’s not that I don’t try to be a good role model. As a caring keeper of the environment, I make it a point to take my bicycle everywhere (in the back of my Suburban). My love for animals has led me to stop using leather (I now only wear synthetic gloves and boots when I go seal-clubbing). Most importantly, as a measure of the significance I now place on tolerance, I no longer tell any tasteless or unflattering jokes at the expense of people who don’t share my skin color, religion, nationality, gender, or sexual orientation (until they have left the room).

One reason I’m not right for public office is that I lack that certain quality it takes to diligently campaign, a.k.a. troll, for votes, which I’ve dubbed “whoriness.” I don’t possess so much as a fraction of the whoriness necessary to run for even the smallest municipal office. I barely have enough to ask for extra sauce on my pizza as it stands.

The other reason is that I’m severely allergic to scrutiny—I’m absolutely certain I’d never survive it. We all know there’s no human being, whether an aspiring politician or diligent housepainter, who can boast a perfectly-led life. But while even the best of us have skeletons in our closets, my skeletons long ago ripped all the closet door right off their hinges and built an illegal bonfire in my driveway with them. If they had been politician skeletons, they would’ve used my neighbor’s money as kindling.

This is not to say that all regular, decent folks should just forget about running, because you do stand to benefit. If you’re a woman who wonders if any of your outfits look unflattering, just run for any GOP nomination and swarms of mainstream media photographers will take pictures of you from every known angle, and even invent a couple of new ones before the cameras run out of juice. If you’re a man whose biggest regret is you never got to apologize to that high school flame you stood up, announce your Republican candidacy and your opponent’s posse will dig her up and have her interviewed on America’s Most Jilted quicker than you can say rat bastard.

As much as I’d like to go on, I just found out s’mores are being served outside.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • Jeff, author

    Cecilio: several close relatives of ours live here, and are gluttons for punishment.

    Connor: you should’ve seen it before I edited out the Civil War documentary and the chicken recipe.

    James: you gotta admit though, he was quite striking in Gilda and Blackboard Jungle.


  • Connor407

    think you had the jist of it,, find my self agree to you consepts, but to many words, get it out faster and you’ll double the people reading your stuff

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cecilio-Méndez-Romero/100001373306737 Cecilio Méndez-Romero

    First class humor… and true.  Felt like you were talking to (and with) me.  Uh… why are you still in Karl-lifornia?

  • Webmaster

    I added your opinion release to the HTML e-mail I sent out last night to my list. 

    At 70-years old, this is all too disturbing with my remembering what the Jews said who survived fascism’s ugly head in Germany, fueled by the media-fed political correctness, Jews stunned how fast it could happen. 

    I write on my homepage, if you want to know what Germany was like in the early 1930’s just step outside your front door. 

    Below is the HTML e-mail:


  • James King

    Jeffrey, your column is very witty, and I enjoyed it very much. But even Harrison Ford (I knew him in the late 70s) even he is glad he is not mistaken for a young Harrison Ford) which is speculation on my part. I only say that because he was one of those guys who got much better-looking when he got older. As a young man he looked like a punk,  in my opinion, which reminds me of what I have told my children for more than 30 years. You’re entitled to my opinion. Good report.

  • wally

    We are all politicians. When I am playing golf with my regular friends, I avoid bringing up political subjects because I know that arguments that will result. Also, my golf score would suffer and at the course and that is number one. 

    • Sahyan

      It’s tragic that you’re reluctant to raise political issues with your friends. I’ve never understood (though recognizing that it’s generally true) why adults who are friends and respect one another, can’t discuss politics, even when they know they disagree, without hard feelings. How are we going to learn we’ve been wrong about something (or the other side learn that we’ve been right) without talking about the issues? I consider most of my friends (save for my octagnerian neighbor, a terribly sweet lady but a fact-challenged, utterly committed Obamaite – but hey, she’s 83 or so)…anyway, I consider most of my friends to be adults, and we can and do discuss, debate, even argue, politics all the time…with no animus at all.

  • jujubeebee

    The wise voter can see through the BS and vote the issues (if they can figure out what side the politician is really on).   I guess we will find out in November how wise Americans really are!

  • DanB_Tiffin

    “you’d make a bad politician.” as a complement to someone. I like that, and for all the reasons you state!
    Of course, any candidate who tells the voters what they really need to hear instead of what they want to hear, is not going to get elected.   But, is that true for humans in general, all/most societies? Or is it just true for US Citizens in this particular day and age?  Owwwwwwwww, my brain hurts!!