Just How Dumb Are Republicans?

Republican, I really wish I didn’t have to acknowledge the truth of that statement. But after suffering through the GOP primaries thus far, what choice do I have?

Frankly, I don’t object to the contenders going after each other with axe handles. That’s what primaries are for. Every contender should have ample opportunity to besmirch the other guy’s generally sleazy reputation. How else will we be able to find out the awful truth before the general election rolls around and we hear it from the opposition?

Burt’s Open Letter to the GOP

After all, on the important issues, such as an abolition of ObamaCare, removing all of those absurd EPA regulations stifling business, rebuilding the military and lowering taxes, they’re pretty much in agreement. The only exception, of course, is squirrely Ron Paul, who never allows one of his naps to be interrupted by nightmares involving a nuclear Iran.

The bone I have to pick with the RNC concerns the way they conduct primaries. For one thing, any state should be allowed to set its own date for a primary. It is beyond stupid that the world has to stop for weeks at a time just so that a few thousand people can gather for a little caucus in Iowa and an election involving less than a million people can be held in New Hampshire.

Only a Party of dunces would punish major states such as Michigan and Florida for moving up the dates of their primaries by slashing their number of delegates to the national convention in half.

By the time the election rolls around, I guarantee we’ll all be far more interested in the vote totals in Florida and Michigan than those coming out of Iowa and New Hampshire.

This is especially the case after Iowa proved that they can take two weeks to count up a handful of votes and still manage to get it wrong.

Next, we come to those other states that hold caucuses that are referred to as beauty contests because the winner doesn’t collect any delegates, but merely gets to brag about his meaningless victory until the next actual primary rolls around.

Perhaps the dumbest decision of the RNC is to hold what are known as open primaries. It’s bad enough when neither Party has an incumbent in the race, as occurred in 2008 when the 22nd Amendment prevented George Bush from running a third time. However, when there is an incumbent, as there is now, why would you allow Democrats to muddy the waters by voting in GOP elections? Does anyone at Republican headquarters really think they will vote for the candidate who is likely to wage the strongest campaign against Obama?

Burt says, “Safety First!”

If in spite of the idiocy displayed by the RNC, a Republican wins the November election, there are a few things, aside from the most obvious, such as the deep-sixing of ObamaCare, I have on my wish list. To begin with, I would like to see English finally made the official language of this country, meaning we would never again print a ballot in Urdu, Mongol or Tagalog. Photo IDs would be required in order to vote and confirmation of one’s legal status through E-Verify would be required for those seeking employment.

I would also want every war we engage in to be officially declared, and a sacred vow that we will never again expend blood or treasure protecting one group of blood-thirsty Muslims from another. I also want it written into law that we will never re-build a nation at the same time we are at war with it. We seem to have forgotten how to wage war since 1945, and I suggest it’s high time our leaders, both political and military, went back and studied how it was done.

Next, I want as many departments of government as possible to be done away with as soon as possible. At the very least, no more meddling in matters of education and health care; no more sticking its nose into those things well outside its constitutional purview such as abortions and food stamps. It is high time Washington got out of the social-engineering business.

If, after all that, the federal government finds itself with time on its hands, it can start protecting the border, which, incidentally, is one of its few constitutionally-authorized responsibilities, although you wouldn’t know it judging by our past five presidents.

Finally, I would want the oil companies to be allowed to drill in Alaska, off the coastline and everywhere else there is oil lurking. While I wouldn’t forbid the oil giants from selling oil overseas, I would insist that in exchange for those precious oil leases, in addition to a generous royalty, a large enough supply of oil remained here in America to guarantee a price not to exceed, say, $2.25-a-gallon. To those who would complain that this would be a restriction of the free market, I would point out that the companies don’t own the land and nobody would think of compelling them to pay for the leases and drill for the oil. If they decide it would be an unprofitable undertaking, they simply wouldn’t make the deal. No hard feelings. But I suspect they would not only sign, but let us keep the fountain pen.

Finally, I keep hearing Obama condemn Republicans for playing politics. Of course we Republicans know that Obama only stops playing politics in order to play a few rounds of golf. But even his own groupies should take a break from their idol worshipping long enough to consider the fact that when the battle over raising the debt limit was going on, their guy didn’t threaten to stop payments to illegal aliens, members of Congress or welfare recipients. He did not threaten to cut off food stamps or stop paying those thousands of employees he added to the federal payroll. And he sure as heck didn’t tell Michelle she’d have to stop taking all those trips at our expense.

Instead, this left-wing paragon of virtue threatened to stop sending checks out to Social Security recipients and retired veterans.

Whoever ends up being his GOP opponent should keep in mind when he gets in the ring with Obama that he came to us straight from the sewers of Chicago. Therefore, whether it’s Rocky Romney or Kid Santorum, he should be sure to watch out for eye-gouges, kidney punches and head-butts in the clinches.

And whatever else he does, he should never leave home without his cup.
In honor of this week’s Leap Day, this is a bonus article torn from the headlines. Be sure to read the regularly scheduled article, So Many Dunces, So Few Dunce Caps.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com! Don’t miss a single article! Subscribe to BurtPrelutsky.com by Email

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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • Burt Prelutsky

    Drew: Thanks for the kind words. I would even let the RNC hold the primaries in alphabetical order so long as they held them in shorter order and did not permit them to get away with caucuses involving a few thousand people.


  • Drew Page

    Burt — Congratulations on a fine article. I must say that I agree with every one of your points. I especially liked your recommendation on controlling gas prices.

    I have written to the RNC and suggested that they learn from the horrible experience that this Republican primary process has turned out to be. It started too early and lasted too long, and isn’t over yet. There has to be a better way of limiting the number of candidates before the primaries begin and the number of debates. This whole idea of Iowa and New Hamshire having to stage the first primaries is absurd. Primaries should be set by the RNC on the basis of the number of delegates in each state, with the largest going first.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Mancye: I suppose they’re allowed to get away with such an infringement on your rights because you aren’t a teenager or a member of a minority group.


  • Nancye

    Burt: I have to show ID every time I vote and that’s even if I know the person at the poll signing me in. And yes – a picture ID – my driver’s license.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Brendan: I agree that Republicans should be more outspoken; the problem is that the media is so corrupt that they insist on spinning everything to make conservatives seem heartless. Liberals insist that conservatives are the ones who keep trying to intrude into private matters, but it’s liberals who push for same-sex marriages, abortions on demand and taxpayer-subsidized contraceptives.


  • Brendan Horn

    We need a Republican smart enough to say things that should be obvious but are apparently not obvious at all. For example, Democrats seem to think free abortions should be an inalienable right. Democrats are now getting away with insisting that failure to provide free abortions to women is the same as failure to provide treatment for cancer. Failure to provide free abortions should not be seen as “endangering the health of women”, yet Democrats get away with insisting that free abortions are the same thing as treatment for a heart attack. We could use one of the Republicans saying that abortion care is not the same as health care and that preventing a human life is not the same thing as saving a human life. It seems obvious, but these things go unsaid.

    I would not provide free abortions or free condoms or free liquor on demand. I might compromise with such people that want these things for free. Instead of free abortions, I would provide these people with free sterilizations whenever they want them.

  • Dave O’Connor

    I quite agree with most of your observations.
    In many ways we’ve (Us GOP’ers) have regulated ourselves with penalties becoming a near “nanny-state” ideal. It’s as though from on-high Ripon a voice echoed: “Catch up, but don’t lead”. (The latter being the issue of the day.)
    The primaries have not brought out the best of Republican ideals by any means. Frankly, the greater measure to vie against Obama is who can be seen as the more petulant.
    I suppose some sage thought the idea of ‘open primaries’ was just “Oh so democratically diverse!”. (The idea of casting one’s bread upon the waters was about presenting ideas. What do we want? Soggy bread or a lot of ducks?
    Should a primary voter be so determined to join in the GOP process, they can don the GOP ‘wedding garment’ for the ‘feast’.
    There is nothing more consistent than the policy of attraction when it is kept relevent to the public, but singular as a goal. That’s what makes a political party unique.
    Those who are claiming the arch conservative ensign today, may be telling the nation how reasonable they can be in August.
    In the meantime; we stuck with the circular firing squad.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Ron: Sorry, but for once I disagree with Bernie. The way I see it, we should in most cases respect our military, but does that rule of thumb mean that Americans should have respected Benedict Arnold? I’m afraid Obama has done far more damage to this country that Arnold ever dreamed of doing.
    All that being the president means is that you won a very large popularity contest. And in Obama’s case, that only meant beating out Hillary Clinton and John McCain.

    Wally: I disagree with you, too. When Democrats vote for Republican candidates or Republicans vote for Democrats in primary elections, they are not looking to vote for the best or strongest candidate. They are looking to sabotage the other party by voting for the worst and weakest in order to make the general election a cakewalk for their guy. Now go wake up the Beaver; his breakfast is getting cold.


  • wally

    Great article Burt! I agree with 99%. Does that make me a 1% or a 99%. Who cares. The only thought I have is that all primaries should be open ones . This would allow each party to participate and could give a signal to the parties if too many of their kind vote for an opposition candidate.

  • Ron Riggs

    Bernie and Bill had this discussion the other night, it is President Obama. We need to respect the office regardless of who is occupying it at the moment. Please, please please let us at least attempt to civility. Thank you.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    cmacrider: I don’t believe that all the oil companies would simply disappear from the States to teach us a lesson. And if they did, someone would step in and make the deal. Perhaps we would see Prelutsky Oil step into the breech.


  • cmacrider

    Re: RNC
    Although I attempt to follow American politics closely, I’m quite mystified as what exactly the RNC does. Obviously it doesn’t meet to establish a national policy for the Republican Party. Gingrich makes up a new policy every day before breakfast and Ron Poll has his own foreign policy. They don’t seem to be an essential tool to raise campaign funds now that Rove et al have their Superpacs. And it is clear that they can’t create a rational set of rules to pick a presidential candidate. Why does it take twice as long to pick a leader than it does to conduct the general election????

    You say: “While I wouldn’t forbid the oil giants from selling oil overseas, I would insist that in exchange for those precious oil leases, in addition to a generous royalty, a large enough supply of oil remained here in America to guarantee a price not to exceed, say, $2.25-a-gallon.”

    Although I understand you sentiments, I suggest, like O’Reilly, you overlook the fact that we now live in a global economy and oil companies operate on a global basis. Since Canada’s oil reserves compared to their domestic demand [by virtue of a small population] far exceed that of America’s. the O’Reilly policy would simply drive American Oil Companies into Canada. They officially own about 45% of the Canadian oil industry now and that does not take into account the fact that when they borrow capital for a project they go where … you guessed it …. Wall Street. I suspect every respectable pension manager in America has money in the Canadian Oil industry.

    Given that America basically controls the world oil industry, all that has to occur is to unleash them from stifling environmental and other regulations. Supply and demand will drive down the price as the Middle East discovers that they no longer have the U.S. by the gonads. The fact that Exxon exports oil to China will simply improve America’s trade balance which is in desperate need of improvement. If the American government wants to threaten China with an oil tariff to ensure they straighten out their act, I suspect Europe or the British Commonwealth would be more than happy to cooperate since everyone is sick of China playing by its own rules.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    G. Daylan: Heaven knows I would never claim sainthood for Republican politicians. But this is not Heaven. Here on earth, we only have a choice between Republicans and Democrats, and to me the choice is pretty obvious.

    Michael: I’m not upset about the rhetoric at this time. It’s much easier to do battle with those who are recognizably the enemy. Except in style, looks and delivery, there really isn’t all that much difference between Romney, Gingrich and Santorum, so there is far more holding and clinching than we can expect to see in the championship fight. There is, after all, a world of difference between the three of them and Obama. For a parallel situation, imagine if Obama had to go against Putin in a primary race.


    • Michael

      “imagine if Obama had to go against Putin in a primary race.”

      The old KGB Colonel and the stealth honor graduate of Patrice Lumumba University squaring off against each other? Now that would be fun to watch. I guess we’ll have to wait until the next Democratic primary to see anything close to that.

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  • G. Daylan

    Liberals and Obama are not the only politicians who like to increase spending. G. W. Bush created ‘compassionate conservativism” in order to invent (with Teddy) no child left behind, a program to wrest more liberty from us. Boehner and his cohorts are also big spenders. The main purpose of a politician is to gain power and both Republicans and Democrats are always trying to expand theirs. The Framers understood that power corrupts and tried to restrain the corrupters. Among today’s politicians , only Paul pays any attention to the Constitution. While Progressives may more aggressively attack our freedom, it is good to remember it is only a matter of degree. Whenever any law is passed, someone, somewhere loses part of his liberty.

  • Michael

    Burt, if our candidate will make this the foundation of his nomination acceptance speech at the convention, and then repeat it at every campaign stop and in every interview, pounding it into the airwaves and print media wherever and whenever he can, then he can win.

    In the Comment section of “Some Free Advice for the Republican Field,” I had a spirited exchange with a nice lady who is embarrassed about the way our candidates have trashed each other. Like you, I don’t mind them going after people with an axe. My fear, however, is that they are acting like drunk brawlers with an axe.

    After reading this article I’ve realized what does embarrass me about their rhetoric: It’s not clear. It’s not concise. It’s not focused. It’s all over the place, like that drunk with the axe. Instead of going after the burglar Obama with focused, hard-hitting strikes, they’re swinging at the walls and the furniture and the neighbor’s dog that came over to help.

    Thanks for another great article.

    • Glen Stambaugh

      Some of them sure did seem to forget their own(?) free enterprise values in the melee. I was starting to think it was a Dem primary.

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