I have heard that the creature most likely to survive nuclear wars, a new ice age or even, God forbid, a world dominated by Muslims, is the lowly cockroach. If that’s true, I think the cockroach’s human equivalent, the lowly liberal can draw some comfort from that fact.
Those of you who think I am being unfair to socialists, communists, progressives or whatever else leftists are calling themselves this week, will have to point out where I’m going wrong. After all, like cockroaches, liberals spread disease, believe they’re entitled to food and shelter that they’ve neither produced nor paid for and, rather than try to debate issues, prefer, when confronted, to scurry off and hide in dark and scary places, such as MSNBC, faculty lounges and the editorial offices at the New York Times.
One only has to look at their leaders to know them for what they are. Consider that Joe Biden, in announcing his support of same-sex marriages, paid tribute to the sitcom, Will and Grace, for the role it played in making homosexuality palatable for millions of Americans. At the same time, Obama is promoting his presidency by showing how much a fictional character named Julia depends on him. And yet when Dan Quayle referred to the influence that unwed mother Murphy Brown would have on impressionable teenage girls, the liberal establishment lampooned him as a buffoon who couldn’t tell the difference between a real person and a TV character portrayed by Candice Bergen.
But, as we all know, liberals are always insisting that their politicians are brilliant. They inevitably concoct surrealistic IQ numbers for people like Obama, Clinton and Jimmy Carter, that suggest that they would have cured cancer, converted water into gasoline and disproved the Theory of Relativity, if only they hadn’t had bigger fish to fry. Proof that liberals are ignoramuses is that they ballyhoo socialism, a system that not only rewards sloth and mediocrity, but generally results in bloody regimes that enslave their citizens, while demeaning capitalism, a system that rewards intelligence and initiative, and promotes freedom and liberty.
Also, like Muslims, liberals lie and encourage other liberals to lie on their behalf. For instance, Barack Obama, while pontificating about same-sex marriages, recently said, “When I go to college campuses, sometimes I talk to college Republicans who think that I have terrible policies on the economy and foreign policy, but they believe in sex equality.” The truth is, Obama never speaks to college Republicans, and he makes damn sure they don’t get to speak to him by banishing them from his staged events. Hell, this phony populist doesn’t even talk to congressional Republicans.
Speaking of the man destined to be a one-termer, how is it that he has enough energy to bound up and down steps, proving time and again just how light in the loafers he really is, but he can’t quite make it through an entire sentence without pausing two or three times?
Although I was never a big fan of Tom Brokaw when he was anchoring the nightly news, I had to tip my hat when he announced that he would never again attend a White House Correspondents Association Dinner. When it came to attending these overhyped gala events, he felt like those natives who refuse to have their photographs taken, fearing it might cost them their very souls.
After looking at coverage of the recent event, which was emceed by Jimmy Kimmel, I understood what he meant. I saw photo after photo that made my skin crawl. There was Wolf Blitzer posing with Eva Longoria, Leon Panetta huddled with Al Sharpton, Piers Morgan and Goldie Hawn, Valerie Jarrett and MSNBC president Phil Griffin. Also in attendance were the likes of Arianna Huffington, Barbara Walters, Woody Harrelson, George Clooney, Eliot Spitzer and, for good measure, behind the bar, pouring shots, Rachel Maddow.
Having also seen some of the show on TV, I’d say it was a lot like watching the Academy Awards, except for the absence of good-looking women.
Speaking of which, Massachusetts Senate candidate and Harvard law professor, Elizabeth Warren, has insisted for years that she is entitled to profit from affirmative action because she is 1/32nd Cherokee. This has led to several good-natured japes, generally consisting of guessing her Indian name. I have ventured it might be Lies Like a Blanket, Dances With Liberals or possibly Speaks Heap Big Hokum.
But who can really blame her when places like Harvard reward diversity of race and color, while eliminating diversity of thought and opinion. Let a conservative be invited to speak on 95% of the colleges and universities in America, and you can count on the professors joining with their young charges in drowning them out. The very places that pride themselves on being the sanctuary of free speech and unpopular ideas are as intolerant as Cotton Mather and as vicious as Brown Shirts. Let a conservative appear in their hallowed presence, and judging by the cackling, you’d think a coop of hens had suddenly been confronted by Br’er Fox.
Finally, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, I’d like to suggest that we stop spending millions of tax dollars providing ex-presidents (at present we have two from each party) with offices, free phone service and Secret Service protection. Without arguing over whether Carter, Clinton and the two Bushes, actually deserve such largesse, they simply don’t need it. Thanks to multi-million dollar book deals and six-figure speaking fees, being an ex-president is the equivalent of winning the Mega Millions lottery without even having to buy a ticket.
©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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