Listen Up Republicans

Because I do my level best to avoid liberals, most of the political arguments I get into are with my fellow conservatives. As a rule, it comes down to my being willing to vote for any Republican on the general ballot. In the primaries, I will always favor the one furthest to the right. But if he or she loses, I will vote for the last Republican standing.

The folks I argue with are the ones who would rather sit out an election than vote for a Republican who fails the litmus test. It does no good to point out that even Reagan wouldn’t be able to pass the test in 2013. After all, he raised our state taxes twice when he was governor, and even signed the most liberal abortion bill in America. As president, when amnesty was still merely a glint in John McCain’s eye, Reagan, who made such a big thing out of trusting but verifying when dealing with the Soviet Union, turned into a flounder, and fell, hook, line and sinker, for the bait when the Democrats swore to shut down the border.

As I see it, it’s fine to seek the perfect candidate, so long as you understand he doesn’t exist, except in your dreams. It’s like seeking the perfect woman, and thinking you’ve found her, only to discover that, unfortunately, she happens to be seeking the perfect man.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when the San Diego City Council voted unanimously to pay most of Mayor Filner’s legal expenses in exchange for his resigning. The recall process was already well underway, and there was no reason to strike the deal. Once he was out of office, half of San Diego’s female population would have been free to sue the old letch for sexual harassment and not have it cost the taxpayers a dime.

But that’s what you can expect when politicians are given carte blanche to spend other people’s money. If I had my way, it would be the law that before taking office, every politician would have to sign a binding agreement absolving the taxpayers of any financial responsibility accruing from his malfeasance. These schmucks not only screw us, but we wind up having to pay for the privilege.

That reminds me, how can we expect to wean people off welfare when in 35 states, welfare payments exceed minimum wage? In Hawaii, a lout can collect the equivalent of a $60,000-a-year salary just for breathing. Breeding pays extra.

About 15 years ago, I wrote a spec screenplay in which a jihadist plots to blow up a skyscraper. I wasn’t entirely prescient. I set the scene in Chicago. At the time, my agent claimed she was shopping it around. I should have known better than to believe her. There’s a reason, after all, that used car salesmen look down on Hollywood agents.

It wasn’t until after 9/11 that I found out she hadn’t bothered showing it to anyone. A new agent did set up a few meetings with producers, but nothing came of them. Finally, I asked my agent what the purpose of the meetings was. He explained that they wanted to meet me and have me meet them, because they had liked the writing, but knew they’d never be able to sell a script in which Muslims were shown to be cold-blooded killers. And, as I say, this was after we saw those planes crashing into the twin towers and witnessed our fellow Americans leaping off the rooftops rather than perish in the flames.

At the same time, we constantly heard our president and secretary of state insisting that Islam was a religion of peace. What they never got around to telling us was which religions they thought were the really bad ones. After all, if Islam was noteworthy because it was so doggone peaceful, it had to have been the exception to some that weren’t. And how is it that nobody ever felt it necessary to remind us of the peaceful nature of Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism or Shintoism?

I, for one, am looking forward to the 2016 Democratic Convention when I anticipate Bob Filner, Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton, will take the stage to berate us Republicans for our endless war on women.

Finally, it appears that the soap opera involving Bradley Manning isn’t going to be ending anytime soon. It seems he is now demanding that the Army pay for a gender change. The question in my mind ever since I first set eyes on the little weasel is just how hard up is the U.S. military that it would accept the little putz into its ranks. Even the Mafia has higher recruiting standards than that.

I mean, it’s one thing to do away with the Clintonian policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” but it’s another to open the doors to someone who looks like he got lost on his way to a Gay Mascots Parade.

I just hope that the Army doesn’t fall for this ploy and allow Bradley Manning to get his wish and become Chelsea Manning. The expense aside, wouldn’t it be just like some shyster lawyer to demand his release on the grounds that Chelsea Manning had never served in the Army and, therefore, had never leaked classified documents to Julian Assange?

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Stimpy

    I’m still waiting to see Assange in a wig. He also obviously has issues with male authority figures. That’s a characteristic that most traitors seem to share. I hope he likes being confined to that Peruvian embassy.

  • DanB_Tiffin

    “The folks I argue with are the ones who would rather sit out an election than vote for a Republican who fails the litmus test. ”
    Yes, not voting certainly has consequences.

  • Wheels55

    Manning wants a gender change so he can be the aggressor in a woman’s prison instead of the bitch in a men’s prison.

  • GlenFS

    When you do find that perfect woman and convince her your imperfections are acceptable and benign, her faulty judgement will have laid ruin to her perfection.