Lucy At The Candy Factory

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In one of her classic comedy bits, Lucille Ball, as Lucy Ricardo, once got a job working on the conveyor belt packing chocolates. Every few seconds, the belt would speed up and she started packing the chocolates in a panic. Some went into boxes, others went into her mouth and still others went down the front of her dress.

There are times I feel like poor, bedraggled Lucy. The news just keeps getting worse and worse and it keeps coming our way faster and faster, and none of it tastes anything like chocolate.

For instance, people call Obama a dictator, and with good reason. After all, he keeps trampling on the Constitution, treating the House as if it were more like a motel. And with a disregard even for the optics, he employs the IRS and the EPA as his personal bully boys, using them to punish conservative groups and those companies whose owners have neglected to contribute to his political campaigns.

But he is a dictator unlike all others. Whereas Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Chavez and Putin, all wanted to make their countries stronger, this schmuck has done his best to weaken America by destroying our economy, mucking up our health care system and dividing us along racial, class and gender, lines.

And lest we didn’t get the message, he’s not only made us the laughingstock of the world by constantly drawing red lines in invisible ink, but he appointed as his Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, a knucklehead who had a truly undistinguished career in the Senate, marked only by contempt for Israel, and a bias against the military that is nearly the equal of Obama’s. So nobody should be too surprised that Hagel is leading the charge to cut the Army back to its pre-World War II numbers. But, then, who wants to squander tax dollars to finance a robust military when Russia, Iran, China, Syria, Yemen and North Korea, all have shown themselves to have only our best interests at heart?

Domestically, we could be making major advances if only companies stopped demanding or even requesting that their potential employees come armed with college degrees.

For one thing, colleges no longer help teach their young charges how to think. In fact, the opposite is true. Unless the students are prepared to regurgitate the nonsense fed them by socialist pinheads, they run the risk of not even graduating.

For another thing, most jobs can be mastered in a matter of months, if not weeks.

For a third thing, outstanding student loans now total $1.2 trillion, and, frankly, there aren’t that many outstanding students. Why do people who are going to be nursery school or grammar school teachers, social workers or, in fact, any liberal arts major, need to spend four or five years in college?

For that matter, the first four years of college are merely a way to separate parents from their hard-earned savings. Those who wish to become scientists, doctors, dentists, architects or engineers, should go directly from high school to high tech trade schools, saving themselves a lot of time and money.

I say if a person can learn to fly a military jet in a matter of months, a human being should certainly be able to learn how to be an accountant or an insurance agent in less than a year. And if a person intends to become, God forbid, a politician or go to work for the State Department, I would think he or she could master lying, cheating and stealing, without wasting three years in law school.

Finally, I read a study that confirmed something I’ve been saying for years; namely, that older people start forgetting things not because their brains are rotting away, but because they’re jam-packed with so much stuff.

It’s like moving into a house with an attic. Early on, everything is stored neatly and is easily accessible. But over the years, as the family begins tossing old clothes, photo albums, board games and furniture, up there, things start getting messy. For all their good intentions, old magazines start getting mixed up with picnic hampers and Nehru jackets. Neatness becomes clutter, clutter morphs into chaos. So good luck when you actually need to find something. Eventually, assuming you’re not one of those unfortunates plagued with dementia, you will come up with the long-discarded item — or the misplaced word — you’re searching for, but it might take a while.

Democrats, of course, don’t have the same problem. Their attics tend to remain as pristine as the day they moved in, completely empty, except, perhaps, for a few old Jimmy Carter bumper stickers, a stolen copy of Saul Alinsky’s “Rules for Radicals” and a lot of spider webs.

©2014 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Gratefulconservative

    ‘I Love Lucy’!!! Thanks for the great read, Burt..Keep on, keepin on!!

  • Darren Perkins

    Great column Burt! I couldn’t agree with you more about College. Education is important but why is going to college the only way or even the best way to get it?When I think of all the ridiculous classes that are offered and the huge expenditures made so that young adults can avoid the real world by partying and being indoctrinated or should I say infected with a liberal ideology it makes me want to puke.

  • Skip in VA

    Does the name Sandra Fluke (?) ring a bell? Her main concern was not having enough money to buy contraceptives. Now I hear she’s thinking of running for a political seat somewhere. I guess she literally had her brains screwed out!

    • Wheels55

      Sandra got her free birth control and now wants to screw us all. Does Obamacare cover STD meds?

  • Brian Fr Langley

    Burt, you’ve forgotten the main reason a degree takes so long to complete. for every week of learning something new, you 6-8 to be indoctrinated.

  • Wheels55

    It will take decades to undo the horseshitz that Obama has brought down on the USA. In 2014 and 2016, vote carefully.

  • Realist

    “For another thing, most jobs can be mastered in a matter of months, if not weeks.”

    I believe that this is in fact true, but those non college OJT employees wouldn’t be properly drenched in libcult dogma and imbued with the appropriate (and unearned) sense of supreme narcissistic superiority that is so attractive to so many who desire the easy, low cost libcult path to faux “enlightenment”.

    And as if that weren’t enough to justify the total waste of money on useless libcult inculcation, there’s the conveyor belt of money that flows from academia to the libcult politicians and then back again to the oh-so-enlightened “academics” who are fanatics committed to spreading the gospel of the cult.

    No doubt about it. We simply can’t reduce the number of libcult acolytes flowing into the universities because we can’t risk collapsing one of the most important criminal enterprises that sustain the cult.