More Apologies From Obama

President Obama, who previously distinguished himself as the first President to apologize to other nations for the behavior of the United States, came out with a  new set of apologies today. Obama promised that he eventually intends to apologize to all 195 nations in the world, but that there has been a hitch in his plans. It seems that White House staffers assigned to gather information to substantiate Mr. Obama’s apologies have not yet been able to find any reasons to apologize to Andorra, Barbados, Kiribati, Monaco and Saint Lucia.

He added, however, that it is “only a matter of time” until the researchers detect “some form of colonial abuse” formerly imposed upon these nations by the United States. “My father assured me that this is so.”

Today, Mr. Obama apologized to several of the most prominent nations in the world: France, Germany, Italy and Japan.

“We apologize to France for meddling in their foreign affairs during the period from 1941 to 1945,” he said. “Starting in 1940, France was living peacefully under the leadership of the Vichy government, in partnership with France’s traditional ally, Germany. This governmental structure had almost universal support among the French  people.

“The American government refused to leave well enough alone, and after a long period of bellicose preparation it invaded the southern shores of France on June 6, 1944. It shames me to report that one of my predecessors masterminded this invasion. I cannot fathom the motive for such an egregious violation of a great nation’s sovereignty. Perhaps it was done to bolster the  international tourism industry, which had been suffering from something of a slump during that period. As was often the case, our government placed the welfare of business interests ahead of the rights of a free people.”

Mr. Obama also offered what he described as a “joint apology” to Germany, Italy and Japan. All these apologies were based on the “rogue behavior” of the United States during roughly the same period that the nation was interfering with the sovereignty of France.

“Germany suffered considerable vandalism from members of the U.S. Armed Services during the 1940s,” Mr. Obama recalled. “Many important buildings within the German borders were destroyed, and although I was not born until long after that time, I have been given to understand that some American military personnel actually killed some members of the German military who were defending their fatherland. This would seem to be an inexcusable offense against a sovereign nation on its own soil.”

Mr. Obama said that some of his advisers informed him that Russia should be held to account for much the same transgressions, but he said he did not care to press this issue, because he wants to preserve America’s excellent relationship with the Putin government.

Mr. Obama’s apology to Italy followed along much the same lines as his apology to Germany.

As for Japan, Mr. Obama acknowledged that that country must bear part of the blame for the hostilities of the forties, because it conducted “a misguided training exercise” over the island of Oahu that was “misrepresented, and used as a pretext for retaliation” by American warmongers. “We probably deserved to have thousands of servicemen blown to smithereens by Japanese forces in a single day,” Obama said.  “We are still working to uncover why it is that we deserved that.”

Mr. Obama drew parallels between the attack on Pearl Harbor and the attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in 2001. Both were “inevitable” attacks by people who seemed to have legitimate gripes against America, he observed.

“In both cases, our impulsive leaders retaliated against people who held the moral high ground,” he said.

There was nothing that he could do, except apologize, in the case of Japan, he pointed out. But from his position of power today he can “rectify our injustices to Afghanistan,” by reaching out to the Taliban, “who bore the brunt of America’s vengeful actions starting in 2001,” even though they “were loved by the Afghan people quite as much as the French people loved Vichy.”

Author Bio:

Arthur Louis spent more than forty years as a print journalist, with the Philadelphia Inquirer, McGraw-Hill, Fortune magazine and the San Francisco Chronicle, but he is not asking for sympathy. He is the author of two non-fiction books: The Tycoons, and Journalism and Other Atrocities, as well as a novel, The Little Champ. In retirement, he has decided unilaterally that he is a profound political pundit.
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  • Orejon54

    We actually invaded the northern shores of France in 1944.

    • Artlouis

       Thanks, Orejon, I guess we need an amplified apology.

  • cmacrider

    Art:  As a Canadian I am anxiously waiting for Obama to apologize to Canada for the following (a) injecting capital and technology into western Canada oil resources when both Europe and Eastern Canada refused to do so thereby making us one of the worlds largest energy suppliers, (b) defending our thousands of miles of shores and airspace during the Soviet cold war menace (at U.S. taxpayers expense) and (c) injecting the necessary capital to create TransCanada pipeline which brought domestic oil to Ontario and Quebec together with thousands of refinery jobs in Sarnia Ontario.

    Things are so much better for us now that he has labelled the oil sands “dirty oil” (even though it employs state of the art environmental practices)  and shut down the XL Pipeline and we have to sell our oil to Red China.

    • Artlouis

      Canada ranks higher with him than the USA. I’m glad you are enjoying the silver lining.