President Obama, who previously distinguished himself as the first President to apologize to other nations for the behavior of the United States, came out with a new set of apologies today. Obama promised that he eventually intends to apologize to all 195 nations in the world, but that there has been a hitch in his plans. It seems that White House staffers assigned to gather information to substantiate Mr. Obama’s apologies have not yet been able to find any reasons to apologize to Andorra, Barbados, Kiribati, Monaco and Saint Lucia.
He added, however, that it is “only a matter of time” until the researchers detect “some form of colonial abuse” formerly imposed upon these nations by the United States. “My father assured me that this is so.”
Today, Mr. Obama apologized to several of the most prominent nations in the world: France, Germany, Italy and Japan.
“We apologize to France for meddling in their foreign affairs during the period from 1941 to 1945,” he said. “Starting in 1940, France was living peacefully under the leadership of the Vichy government, in partnership with France’s traditional ally, Germany. This governmental structure had almost universal support among the French people.
“The American government refused to leave well enough alone, and after a long period of bellicose preparation it invaded the southern shores of France on June 6, 1944. It shames me to report that one of my predecessors masterminded this invasion. I cannot fathom the motive for such an egregious violation of a great nation’s sovereignty. Perhaps it was done to bolster the international tourism industry, which had been suffering from something of a slump during that period. As was often the case, our government placed the welfare of business interests ahead of the rights of a free people.”
Mr. Obama also offered what he described as a “joint apology” to Germany, Italy and Japan. All these apologies were based on the “rogue behavior” of the United States during roughly the same period that the nation was interfering with the sovereignty of France.
“Germany suffered considerable vandalism from members of the U.S. Armed Services during the 1940s,” Mr. Obama recalled. “Many important buildings within the German borders were destroyed, and although I was not born until long after that time, I have been given to understand that some American military personnel actually killed some members of the German military who were defending their fatherland. This would seem to be an inexcusable offense against a sovereign nation on its own soil.”
Mr. Obama said that some of his advisers informed him that Russia should be held to account for much the same transgressions, but he said he did not care to press this issue, because he wants to preserve America’s excellent relationship with the Putin government.
Mr. Obama’s apology to Italy followed along much the same lines as his apology to Germany.
As for Japan, Mr. Obama acknowledged that that country must bear part of the blame for the hostilities of the forties, because it conducted “a misguided training exercise” over the island of Oahu that was “misrepresented, and used as a pretext for retaliation” by American warmongers. “We probably deserved to have thousands of servicemen blown to smithereens by Japanese forces in a single day,” Obama said. “We are still working to uncover why it is that we deserved that.”
Mr. Obama drew parallels between the attack on Pearl Harbor and the attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in 2001. Both were “inevitable” attacks by people who seemed to have legitimate gripes against America, he observed.
“In both cases, our impulsive leaders retaliated against people who held the moral high ground,” he said.
There was nothing that he could do, except apologize, in the case of Japan, he pointed out. But from his position of power today he can “rectify our injustices to Afghanistan,” by reaching out to the Taliban, “who bore the brunt of America’s vengeful actions starting in 2001,” even though they “were loved by the Afghan people quite as much as the French people loved Vichy.”