No Victims Were Harmed in the Making of this Column

Here we are in late August, and the way Democrats have been conducting themselves has been absolutely shocking. I for one cannot believe, not for a fraction of a scintilla of a micronanosecond, that Obama and his henchcreatures have shown such amazing restraint. Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney was cemented as the incumbent’s enemy months ago, and still there have been no effigies. No threats yet of any of his sons getting a permanent limp. Even more remarkably, we haven’t even seen any liberals insult his wife with words I wouldn’t say without a plate of sautéed Lava with Palmolive sauce waiting nearby. And, as if we needed any more blows to the head with the frat-paddle of bewilderment, it was nearly twenty-four hours after Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin joined the Republican ticket when Democrats finally started to wonder out loud if he set kittens on fire in his spare time.

Yes, we can give thanks to the left for setting the very high standard of civility we have to meet in this P.C. society, and certainly they deserve a nod for the unique and creative way they set this standard while staying as far below it as they can. I mean, if liberals were to consider rising from their current level of conduct to that which they demand of others, they’d need a task force comprised of NASA engineers, Professor Stephen Hawking, Superman, and God.

But if it’s careful wording, proper etiquette, or political correctness you want, you can just go ahead and find some other writer. Restrained diplomacy from moi? Forget it! I ain’t playing that cheap little game. I don’t do that tap-dance. I refuse to sip that foofy little cocktail. I can’t name that tune.

See, I prefer to be direct and blunt. I’m not afraid to call a (one of four suits in a deck of standard playing cards marked by a black figure in the shape of a small clover) a (one of four suits in a deck of standard playing cards marked by a black figure in the shape of a small clover). It’s not like any of us are expected to be perfect. We all have a (tiny crack or fissure) in our armor from time to time. Anyone who says otherwise is telling you a (tiny, fictional, magical being) tale.

This culture can change for the better if we can get liberals to quit all the (long-tailed primate of small to medium size)shines. It’s obviously a big undertaking; every time I’ve tried to have a serious discussion with someone who was my ideological opposite, the conversation would break down like the 1975 MG (little person) I used to drive.

It’s better to confront and challenge a liberal than seek his approval. It won’t matter to him if you say you did volunteer work for the National Association for the Advancement of (African-American) people, or donated to the United (African-American) College Fund, he’ll more likely respect strength over gentleness.

But if he continues to be a (slang term for detective)head despite your efforts, (a threaded metal rod used as a fastener) him. At least you tried.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • Parker

    Oh great, another liberals are bad, conservatives are better columnist.

    • CCNV

       Quit whining and go turn on the TV for a good dose of liberal.

      • Parker

        I’m not whining and I am not liberal. Love how posters on this board refer to everynoe who doesnt agree with them as a “liberal” and mean it as an insult. And you probably think that the “Liberals” are the elitist’s when you actually use it as slang for a whiner.

  • sjangers

    An interesting take on PC, Jeffrey.  I particular like the term “henchcreatures”.  It’s original, not overly respectful, and yet still manages to get around the use of nasty, gender-biased language.