THE SCENE: A rural farmhouse. It is daytime, and a light drizzle is falling. There is a knock at the door. The farmer opens the door.)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’m President Obama, and I’m here to help you. I have personally taken charge of all emergency activities as Hurricane Sandy approaches. It is important for me to seem presidential, which hasn’t been the case up till now, and I figure that anyone I help personally will certainly vote for me. How has the storm affected you, and what can I do for you? Do you need me for any repairs? Are there any power lines down on your property?
FARMER: Well, it’s not much of a storm yet. I’m not aware of any damage.
OBAMA: I noticed considerable flooding as we were coming this way. There was a long stretch of deep water over that hill.
FARMER: Oh, you must mean the river. It’s always there, there’s no flooding involved.
OBAMA: A river? Now I feel kind of silly. I got out of the car and walked across the surface, just to keep in practice. I thought it was a flood.
FARMER: In that case you had better go back outside and wipe your shoes on the mat.
(SEVERAL MORE PEOPLE ENTER, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT’S AIDES, MEMBERS OF THE SECRET SERVICE AND PEOPLE CARRYING TV CAMERAS AND SOUND EQUIPMENT.)
OBAMA: Let me introduce you to my associate, Mr. Axelrod. He is here to make sure I don’t say anything foolish. And by the way, do you mind if these network reporters set up in your living room?
FARMER: They can go ahead, but it’s not a very big room.
OBAMA: This is going to be a big, serious storm. Are you prepared to evacuate? If someone tells you to evacuate, you mustn’t argue, just evacuate. Doesn’t that sound presidential?
FARMER: There has been no call for evacuation yet, but I will certainly keep in mind what you said.
OBAMA: Let’s forget this stupid storm for a minute and talk politics. I was all set to fly to Vegas again and raise some money, but now…
AXELROD: …but now you welcome the opportunity to help the American people in a vital and fundamental way. You will show them that Benghazi was a fluke, and that you really do give a damn if Americans, or at least those who vote Democratic, live or die. Isn’t that so, Mr. President?
OBAMA: Whatever you say, David. Mr.Farmer – what is your name?
OBAMA: That sounds like a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant name. David, are you sure we are in the right place?
AXELROD: Let me go out to the car and check the GPS. (He exits.)
OBAMA: Mr. McNaughton, do you intend to vote for me?
FARMER: I hadn’t intended to.
OBAMA: Is there anything I can do to change your mind? How about a free cellphone? Food stamps?
FARMER: I don’t think that would do it. We don’t have reception out here, and I grow my own food.
OBAMA: Anything else I can do to win your vote? Free contraception? How about if I patch that cracked tile on the kitchen floor? I really need your vote. In a swing state like this, one vote could make the whole difference in the election result.
FARMER: Oh, I don’t want to bother you. I’m used to the cracked tile. And my wife is beyond child-bearing age.
OBAMA: Say, isn’t that a gun hanging on the wall?
FARMER: Yes, but it’s not loaded. (Glances sheepishly at the Secret Service men.)
OBAMA: And isn’t that a Bible on the table over there? It looks like a Bible. I remember actually touching one when I was sworn in as President.
FARMER: Yes, it is a Bible. The King James version.
OBAMA: You wouldn’t be one of those bitter clingers, would you?
AXELROD: (Re-enters.) Boss, somebody BLEEPED up bigtime. The GPS says we are in West Virginia, not Virginia. There is no way we can win this state’s electoral votes.
SECRET SERVICE MAN: Mr. President, there is a group of angry men gathering out front. They are carrying signs. They seem to be unemployed coal miners.
OBAMA: Is there a back way out of here?
FARMER: Yes, but the house backs up against another river.
OBAMA: Oh, brother. (Looks down at his wet shoes.) Time for another miracle.