Pillers of a Freebie Society

While I’m sure Nancy Pelosi’s recent puppet show starring Sandra Fluke satisfied the curiosity of many people, there are many of us wanting to dig a little deeper into the entitled psyche of young women like her, get a more complete understanding of that mindset. Fortunately, I just happen to have a transcript of a radio interview with a similarly-motivated activist that should suffice, with minor editing for space:

Welcome back to WTF-FM Radio, I’m Hugh Jincum. We are privileged to have in-studio a spokeswoman for Cheap Ladies for Unlimited Comped Knickerbumping, Ms. Sheila Bort.

HJ: Ms. Bort, how long have you been pushing for others to help subsidize your sex-life?

SB: This has been a key interest of mine ever since high school. Early on, my history toucher…I mean, teacher urged us to develop a strong sense of priorities and nurture them. He really had a knack for tapping into what made us tick.

HJ: I see. How many people make up your organization?

SB: There are about 500 members of C.L.U.C.K. so far. We’re always looking for new members, and we actively recruit. High schools and junior high schools tend to be where we find the best candidates. We had also tried elementary schools until just recently, when a superintendant in a local district made us feel very unwelcome. Guy was obviously sexist.

HJ: Unbelievable.

SB: I know! But what’s cool is quite a few guys have also joined our cause. You’d be amazed how many men want to take part in getting us easy access to the pill. Hey! That’s a cool picture of Justin Bieber. Was he drunk when he autographed it? It looks like he misspelled his name.

HJ: That’s because it’s a photo of Paul McCartney from 1964. Moving on, why have the government force schools to buy something and give it to students free of charge? I mean, it goes against the intent of the Constitution, and besides that there’s always Planned Parenthood.

SB: Actually, I’ve read the Constitution, and nowhere does it say “schools don’t have to provide free birth control for their students.” As for Planned Parenthood, why would we want to deal with them? I mean, our whole movement began because we aren’t planning on being parents.

HJ: Actually, they don’t…ahh, never mind. Now, you must be aware of concerns that if you achieve your goal, then businesses and universities might just stop providing medical benefits altogether.

SB: C.L.U.C.K. is addressing that. We spoke with the president, and he’s already agreed to forbid schools and employers from discontinuing coverage. And even better, he’s also going to require them to stay in business, just in case they think about closing down. Pretty cool, huh?

HJ: Wow. By that logic, he may as well require supermarkets to give away free Snickers bars whenever you crave chocolate!

SB: Don’t be silly! That would be an excessive abuse of government power. Besides, when I crave chocolate, I prefer Mr. Goodbar or a Sugar Daddy.

HJ: Color me unsurprised. Well, we’re out of time, so how can interested citizens reach C.L.U.C.K.?

SB: Well, at this time, they actually can’t. We’re waiting for the government to force communication companies to provide us with free telephone and internet service. But you’ll be the first one we call!

HJ: Lucky me.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • questioning

    No woman would need birth control as a student if she keppt both feet on the floor an her knees so close together you couldn’t get a card between them.  No woman should be allowed to be paid to be a birthing body.  If the FATHER OF HER NUMEROUS CHILDREN HAD TO PAY FOR PLAYING, rather than making the taxpayers pay for their rolling in the hay, there would be fewer such births.  I recommend sterilizing both the man and the woman after the second child is born.  No taxpayer should be required to pay for sluts and horny dogs to have numerous welfare children who will become birthing bodies so the stud can sow his seed at taxpayer expense.  It’s not the kids fault, and it damn sure isn’t the taxpayers fault it is the fault of lustful pigs who have no concern for anyone but the satisfying of their lust.

    • momo

      Nothin’ like a bit of eugenics to get the day goin’, huh?

  • wally

    Good article Jeff. You hit the freebee society on dead center.

  • joe from louisiana

    Am I missing something? Shouldn’t it be “Pillars”?

    • Jeffreydan

      I’d wondered if the gag was a bit too obscure or wouldn’t connect.
      The spelling is intentional, my friend. It’s a sort of nickname for people trying to get a certain form of birth control.