Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

My title refers to the title of a popular song during World War II. Today, as we know, both pieces of advice are frowned upon in left-wing circles. The irony is that at the very same time that Obama and his favorite Munchkins are doing their level best to disarm Americans, the same crowd is gift-wrapping 20 F-16 fighter jets and sending them to the Muslim Brotherhood, the folks running the show in Egypt.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

Music & Lyrics by Frank Loesser

Now a sane person might wonder why liberals trust our sworn enemies more than they do law-abiding American citizens. But once you begin asking liberals to make sense, you might as well start expecting dogs to write sonnets and horses to compose concertos.

One would think that with the two houses of Congress brimming over with Jews, Obama would have to tread carefully in the Middle East. But, as you may have noticed, he has found that he can ignore the likes of Lautenberg, Schumer, Waxman, Boxer and Franken, with impunity. Otherwise, there’s no way on earth he would have even considered nominating Chuck Hagel to be his next Secretary of Defense. Hagel, who was an undistinguished Republican senator from Nebraska is the only sort of Republican Obama likes; namely, the sort who supported him in 2008 and again in 2012.

What makes Hagel such an obviously lousy choice for the job isn’t that he’s a political turncoat, but that he makes it a habit to side with Israel’s enemies, makes contemptuous remarks about what he and every other anti-Semite refers to as “the Jewish lobby,” and that he opposed the surge in Iraq, as well as sanctions on Iran. The irony is that it’s unlikely that the Jews in the Senate would embarrass Obama by opposing Hagel’s nomination on those totally appropriate grounds, but might vote against him because of an anti-gay crack he made some years ago.

In the meantime, the Democrats continue their anti-gun crusade although even they aren’t dumb enough to believe that more gun control laws will do any more to diminish violence in America in the future than they have in the past. As Thomas Jefferson once summed up the issue: “Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man.”

Liberals are so loony on the subject that if you ask them what unarmed citizens are supposed to do when attacked, they’ll actually say — with a straight face, no less — that they should call the cops. So it seems that every time a man is mugged or a woman is raped, the real problem is that they neglected to place a call in the middle of the assault.

Even liberals must understand that cops do not prevent crimes, except for violations of driving laws and jaywalking; their job is to solve crimes once they’ve been committed. Perhaps I’m guilty of giving liberals too much credit, but surely even they can grasp the fact that when there’s a cop standing nearby, criminals mind their manners. That isn’t because down deep they respect the concept of law and order, but because cops are people with guns.

Crooks are equally likely to mind their p’s and q’s when they have reason to suspect that their intended victim might be packing a heater.

One of my readers suggested that if Democrats were really sincere, they would make Washington, D.C., a gun-free zone, just like schools, malls, movie theaters and Fort Hood. After all, if empty words are enough to keep our kids safe, why aren’t they good enough for members of Congress, Joe Biden and Barack Obama?

If the government passes anti-gun laws, we all know it will do nothing to eliminate mass murders. That means the natural next step will be to expand their attack on the Second Amendment by outlawing ammo. I even know what their slogan will be: “Guns Don’t Kill People, Bullets Do.”

With the recent votes to legalize marijuana in Washington and Colorado, my friend, Don Melquist, has passed along a slogan of his own: “Grow your own dope. Plant a Democrat.”

Even though I used to be a movie critic, I generally leave that stuff to those who get paid to sit through these snoozearamas. But there are times I’d feel like a cad if I didn’t offer a warning that could save people not only money, but over two-and-a-half hours of time they can never get back.

I never went to see Les Miserables on stage, and I had no intention of seeing the movie, but because, as a member of the WGA, I get to cast votes for Writers Guild awards, I get sent a number of videos at the end of the year. This year, one of those was Les Mis. To be fair, I must admit that a few of my friends enjoyed the movie. That leads me to wonder just how much alcohol these people consume when I’m not around.

For one thing, there are only a few decent songs in the entire score. For another, the conceit of the thing is that they thought they were creating an opera, so the dialogue, most of which is banal, is sung. Finally, at the risk of treading on a literary classic, Victor Hugo’s novel never made any sense to me. Why on earth would Javert, the head of the French police, feel compelled to devote his life to tracking down Jean Valjean, who, at worst, was a petty thief? There weren’t enough thieves and murderers in France to keep the man occupied? At least when Captain Ahab set out to harpoon Moby Dick, the damn whale had taken off his leg. But it wasn’t even Javert’s loaf of bread that Valjean had stolen.

As if all that weren’t bad enough, at the end of the movie, we get to see the French rabble standing atop their barriers, raising their fists and looking for all the world exactly like the Wall Street occupiers who did so much last year to turn our own streets into urban pig sties.

Finally, although I haven’t yet spotted EPA-approved E-15 gas being sold at service stations in L.A., word has it that the stuff, which has a high corn content, can destroy your car’s engines in no time at all.

In related news, the EPA has announced the opening of 20,000 shops nationwide to be called Obama’s Jiffy Engine Replacements. Its catchy slogan is “Affordable Healthcare for Your Car.”

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Marina Coca

    Thank you, Bert, for writing what I have always wondered about: the popularity of a novel about the chief of police in France spending his entire career obsessing about a petty thief who stole a loaf of bread. But then I thought: what do I know about classic literature, broadway blockbusters and movies like Les Mis (which was torture to sit through.) No wonder why so many talented writers wanting to author a “classic” suffer from depression!

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Marina: Not to mention the generations of high school students who have to suffer through it.


    • Wheels55

      My wife is wanting me to go see that flick. I don’t think I am interested unless Wolverine makes an appearance.

  • Iklwa

    As so often happens with liberals’ attempts at social engineering just their inane suggestion of additional restrictions on firearms in America is having an effect they say they don’t want…people are streaming to their local sporting goods stores, buying new firearms, stocking up on ammunition and having political discussions in public with perfect strangers, voicing their dissatisfaction with the liberal agenda.

    I too fancy myself somewhat of a movie critic and scary critter movies are among my favorites (Hey, I never said I was a “good” critic did I?). For the past ten years or so I have been telling my wife that about 99% of all horror movies would be shortened dramatically if only the protagonist was armed with a Remington 870, 12 gauge pump shotgun.
    Every time I told my wife that we were one day going to add a specimen to our
    collection (there, I said it, I AM a “Bitter Clinger”) she dutifully says “Yes
    Honey, I know.” I had my eye on a home defense model for a while now and when “aimlessly” wandering through the sporting goods store would sometimes stop to handle one of the Black Implements of Destruction (There, I said it again…it’s most emphatically NOT a hunting weapon….oops, I did it again by actually naming the device as a weapon).

    It was only after the announcement that Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) was going to head up this alleged panel to stop firearms violence that I was motivated into purchasing my own Remington Express Tactical 12 gauge pump shotgun along with ample supplies of 00 Buck Shot, one ounce slugs (just for fun and frivolity), #7 practice loads and some #4 duck and goose loads for repelling borders against any would-be monsters, werewolves or jack-booted thugs.

    See what I mean?

    Just their braying about “doing something” motivated me to actually do something of my own.
    If this keeps up, we are going to need a larger gun safe…

    • Burt Prelutsky

      ikiwa: If I thought the liberals were a lot smarter than they are, I would have ventured that this whole war on guns was a plot to turn the economy around. But we both know they’re as dumb as a box of rocks.


      • Iklwa

        Bass-akwards “stimulus”?

  • falcon7204


    I always kind of like how your columns ramble a bit, but this one had my head spinning. Hard to keep up. Anyway, please note that the 20 F-16s scheduled to be delivered to Egypt were contracted under the Mubarak administration. I will say, however, that when Mubarak was deposed all existing military aid contracts between the US (and defense contractors) and Egypt should have been rendered null and void. There is no way those 7th-century murdering thugs should ever get their hands on US military technology. If they want to take over the world, let ’em do it with swords, like they did back then. Then we’ll see the true meaning of “bringing a knife to a gun fight.”

    • Burt Prelutsky

      falcon: I agree. I knew the deal had been made with the old regime, but that’s yet another reason why the deal should never have gone through.


  • GlenFS

    It only seems right that the president of the United States of America deserves the same level of safety conferred upon students… a gun free zone. Such hypocrisy!

  • Souvoter

    Excellent idea! Make Washington, DC a gun-free zone; what a hoot, Burt.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Thanks, Sou.


  • I Hate Fascists

    Les Miserables? Is that the story of the Tea Party?
    Great news right wingers! The town of Spring City Utah is going to pass an individual mandate for a gun in every house.. wait a minute .. individual mandate.. where have I heard that before?.. I think it was something about broccoli?
    Here are some catchy slogans you might want to pass along to your NRA buddies:
    Guns are a gift from God (like rape)
    Guns are people (like corporations)
    Happiness is a warm gun (bang bang shoot shoot)

    Happy Gun Appreciation Day right wingers!

    • artlouis

      I hope you don’t ever experience a home invasion with broccoli in your holster.

      • Burt Prelutsky

        artlouis: He’s got broccoli between his ears. Someone should alert him that those dreadful corporations are picking up the tab for Obama’s inauguration and that Obama has more guns protecting him than Syria’s Al Assad.


      • Joel Wischkaemper

        Oh lordy.. I do. Oh yes I do. And don’t be telling that to anyone who thinks you have to shoot the gun to keep it warm. Tell them, by the way, you have to sleep on it to keep it warm and then hope hard if you know what I mean.

  • artlouis

    I think your comment relating Les Mis to Occupy Wall Street may be spot on, not just a gag. We know that filmmakers try to play to popular trends in society, and my own thought when I saw the movie was that it was intended in part as an homage to OWS. Why put the musical onscreen more than 20 years after it was first staged, unless you think that it will resonate with some current madness?

    • Burt Prelutsky

      artlouis: Sometimes it takes a long time for the movie to be made because the producers don’t want it to infringe on the stage production’s box office. And “Les Mis,” for reasons I can’t imagine, was a long-running hit in several countries.


  • Wheels55

    The left will betray and lie to anyone to help their party and their cause. I just heard Debbie Whatshername Shitz on a local South Florida radio show (which tends to be conservative). She was asked about the political name calling and finger pointing that goes on a lot these days. She said she believes that is bad politics and she has always tried to reach across the isle. The lies out of the woman’s mouth never ends.
    Every time I hear her or Biden or Pelosi talk, I buy more ammo.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Wheels: I can only assume Debbie Wasserman-Schultz keeps getting elected by the folks in your state because she reminds them of their homeliest granddaughter. As I recall, these are the same folks who couldn’t figure out how to deal with hanging chads in 2000.


      • Wheels55

        We are a messed up state – no doubt. Especially South Florida.

  • 49corvette

    Bert—You get the “Edwin Newman” award—everything but the kitchen sink—Great Stuff—F-16s’ , Israel , Thomas Jefferson , gun control , and Moby Dick—The Full Gamut—Succint Commentary—semi polished but honed to a point—The only missing facet is how well Steven Hill / Kim Stanley came across in “The Goddess”—Seriously…Keep Up The Good Work—my2cents—thanx for reading

    • Burt Prelutsky

      49: I agree about Steven Hill, but Kim Stanley was mis-cast in “The Goddess.” She gave it everything she had, but Ms. Stanley was simply too homely and unsexy to make for a convincing Marilyn Monroe.

      Now I believe I’ve covered all the bases.