Read This!!! — But Only If You Have Nothing Better To Do

This is my Seinfeld column.  It’s about nothing.

Every now and then I can’t think of anything to say.  That can be a liability when you have a column to fill.  Sure, I could write about the Mormon cult thing and say the Baptist minister who said Mormons aren’t real Christians is an idiot.  But a good writer should never waste time stating the obvious. I could say his logic is unimpressive.  Unimpressive is a nice way of saying he’s an idiot, but I already said that. After all, he said he’d rather vote for a Christian than a non-Christian, then said he’d rather vote for Mitt Romney, a Mormon, than for Barack Obama, a Christian.  Hello?  Anybody home?  I probably could write a whole column about that doofus, but honestly, I don’t feel like it.  Besides, you know that old saying:  “Never get into an argument with an idiot. They’ll bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”  So I’ll take a pass on arguing with the good Christian minister who has a pipeline to God.

I guess I could also write a few hundred words about the Nobel Prize winners occupying Wall Street and other cities around the country.  I read a survey in New York magazine that said 34 percent of them believe the U.S. government is no better than Al Qaeda.  I’m not sure if I believe that they really believe that, but one way or another I don’t really care. They also think that one percent of Americans are oppressing the other 99 percent.  Frankly, I’m shocked that they were able to put two percentages together that equaled 100.  But I’ll tell you this:  all those Democrats who are supporting the protestors are asking for trouble.  Their message doesn’t resonate with independent voters – whom Barack Obama will need in order to win re-election – or anyone else not named Keith Olbermann.

Sometimes I wish I were as prolific a writer as my friend Burt Prelutsky, who is a regular contributor to this Web site.  He’s really good – smart, funny, fearless.  And he writes a lot.  Something always catches his eye that he (rightly) thinks is worth writing about.  Not me.  For a while I was thinking about “borrowing” one of Burt’s columns and putting my name on it.  Of course, that would be wrong.  But that wasn’t the reason I didn’t do it.  The reason I didn’t do it is because Burt would have caught me and then written a smart, funny fearless column that made me look like a thief or something.

There’s another Republican debate coming up.  I could have written that line anytime in the past six months.  The next debate is number 796, I think.  I have nothing to say about the debates but I’m not sure if it’s my ignorance or my indifference that keeps me from writing about them.  Honest answer:  I don’t know – and I don’t care.   (Get it?)

You know what writer’s block is?  I have it.  Have a nice day.

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  • Estelle
  • rider237

    sometimes when i get frustrated with my writing i just start talking. i love the voice to text program i use. i can just ramble on and later, when i look back, if i’m lucky, there is some little nugget in there to start a new thought.

    of course, sometimes it’s just crap….

  • Paul Courtney

    Bernie: Thanks for Nothing! Keep writing about nothing, and you may take Mo Dowd’s job.

  • Jeannette

    Bernie: I’m ashamed to admit I’ve never read your columns; however, that’s about to change. I have a lot of catching up to do. I even found your column about nothing to be good.

    I also like to write but have limited my writing (published, that is) to letters to the editor. Now, however, I’ve gone too far right for them. They used to print my letters just to prove how fair they are; now, however, there’s no pretense. My letters don’t get printed, either.

    Anyhow, I can relate to writer’s block. I’s something I’ve had for lo! these many years. The unfinished work will simply have to be discovered by somebody after I leave this mortal coil.

    Keep on writing, even if (or especially if) you have nothing to say.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    J.W.: Okay, you’re da man, too, unless, of course, you’re da woman. Can’t tell when you only use da initials.


  • J. W. Bauer

    Bernie, “You da man”, and, Burt, you’re not too shabby in “da man” category either. JBauer

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Robin in FL: What’s with all this flowers, rainbows and unicorns, stuff? Bernie wrote about me. Isn’t that nice enough for you?


    • robin in fl

      I’m sorry Burt,,of course it know I LOVE ya’…so I guess you will be the unicorn jumping over the rainbow…for now at least :)

  • Ron Kean


    One of your best posts.

    An honest journalist is always appreciated. With you, it’s as always.

    I think we are the 99% and the doofuses protesting are the 1% that are screwing up the country. Something about animals.

    I’m a child of the 60’s. I went to protests in Chicago and DC in 1969 & 70. It was fun. We were looking for women because hippie women were supposed to be fast. I spoke to a guy who was older than me who said he went to communist meetings in the 50’s because he heard that the women who went there were fast.

    I remember thinking the protests in Wisconsin would never end. They ended and the good guy won. Let’s hope for the best here.

  • robin in fl

    you know Bernie try this little experiment,try only writting about really nice things one day,,you know,unicorns,kittens,butterflys ,rainbows,bunnies with pancakes on their heads….whatever(doesn’t have to be any of those things of course),,,see we all know about ALL the bad dumb stuff going on right now,but if you really want to see *blank stares* just talk about good stuff..I mean ANYTHING good and just the look on peoples face will be priceless plus they won’t have a clue how to respond….i do that just for a laugh and a test and it works every time and i walk away laughing and feel much better :)

  • EddieD_Boston

    Democrats think these idiot protesters are mainstream only b/c they’re out on the looney fringe just like the daffy protesters are. Most of these nitwit college kids are having fun and think it’s cool. “Just like the 60’s dude”. The older ones are full-time protesters protesting whatever it is this week’s protest is. You can always round up few for your sit-in.

    Also, I have to agree with Bernie, you Christians have to take a deep breath and relax. This ‘my religion is real and yours isn’t’ stuff is foolish. And very unchristian btw.

    Hey Bernie, maybe you can take Andy Rooney’s place and share your musings.

  • Cheryl Hill-Guy

    The man who said Mormons are not christian is absolutely right! They’re a cult! Joseph Smith was a 32 degree Mason. Freemasonry is a cult, too.

    • Erika

      You’re right. They believe that we’ll all become gods and that we’ll inhabit planets. I was raised a Mormon. We rarely heard about Jesus, except at Christmas, we were told vastly more about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. They also believe that Jesus did NOT ascend into heaven after but came here, to North America. Also, we were told, as kids, to only hang around non-Mormons if we were trying to convert them. A yr. or so after my fam. left the church they came up w/some “cosmetic” changes re: how the missionaries addressed their beliefs, etc. Phony, phony, phony, though the avg. Mormon I knew was usually very decent.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    When Bernie writes about nothing, he still manages to make more sense than most people who are suffering from the delusion that they’re writing about something. What’s more, I am honored to be one of the nothings he wrote about.

    Regards, Burt

  • Nancye

    And, you could write about the hippies of the 60s that have descended on Wall Street sans manners of any description. Either they’re the same hippies OR maybe they’re the children of said hippies. Whichever, they’re a disgusting bunch of unwashed, stinky, smelly, yucky, uneducated, people hired by the unions and other Democrats to do their dirty work.

    In my not-so-humble opinion, the Democrats will live to rue the day they took their side, especially Nancy Pelosi, who never learns to keep her big mouth shut.

  • Terry Walbert


    If you were still part of the main stream media, you could go to the NY Times and rewrite one of their editorials as your own thoughts.

  • Marina Coca

    One advantage to reading your blog (or not) is that you get a second and third chance with Bur Prelutsky. His column today is hilarious. Your are right about Burt, he is very funny, fearless, and, by coincidence Im’m sure, I agree with everything he writes. Be careful, you may be writing on Burt’s Blog (has a nice ring to it). Do not plan to get another case of writer’s block too soon! Marina p.s. I also read Leona’s column, thereby, getting a 3rd chance.

    • Glen Stambaugh

      Bernie already gets credit from many of Burt’s respondents as things are, so he need not risk the embarrassment by “stealing” any of it. I don’t really care which wrote which, just enjoy them all.

  • John Matthews

    I’m not sure how I can continue to follow “politics” in this current environment. Everything seems silly and with little power to do a single thing about it. Tell me Bernie….how can I affect any change in this “culture war” beyond my vote?

    • Glen Stambaugh

      Enlist with:

      A) Glenn Beck B) Tea Party C) Occupy Wallstreet.

  • Barrie in PA

    I’m disappointed in you, Bernie. Because this was the week the egregious Larry O’Donnell hacked into Herman Cain viciously and racially, and got politely humiliated for his pains. This ‘gotcha’ interview said nearly everything about modern liberalism, and should be preserved for posterity.

    • EddieD_Boston

      I googled O’Donnell and found he went to St. Sebastian’s School outside of Boston. St Sibs is a spoiled rich kid school, probably pushing $40,000 a year now for grades 7-12.

      Nothing more sickening than a pampered, obnoxious rich kid.

      I don’t remember exactly but I might have beat him up for his lunch money years back. It was either me or my little sister, its been years and it’s hard to remember.

      • Kathryn

        That was clever and funny! I giggled over my morning tea. Love Bernie, Burt and Leona. So refreshing and insightful.

  • joe from louisiana

    You could write about how the media relates a minister’s outrageous comments to stick them on a conservative csndidate as he said made the comment himself. Yet when a democrat listens to a racist preacher for 20 years he wasn’t “paying attention” to the bigoted rhetoric and the minister was “taken out of context”. Or you could juxtapose the mainstream media’s treatment of these “astroturf” protesters versus how they treated the Tea party. I wonder if these protests turn violent will MSNBC be blamed for their firebrand lack of civility that caused the outbursts?

    • RecknHavic

      You nailed it on the head Joe.

      There are a couple of truths in life that one must never forget: the Media’s biased; liberals are hypocrites; the pop culture leans Left; and never, ever play dominoes w/ someone from Louisiana (unless you just like losin’).

      • joe from louisiana

        All true!

    • EddieD_Boston

      It’s Palin’s fault you unelightened commoner.