Recipes For Success And Disaster

If I knew who sent me the best suggestion I have come across in a long time, I would credit him. Instead, I will simply share his brilliant notion that we put our senior citizens in jail and stick all the criminals in nursing homes.

As he pointed out, seniors would have access to showers and hobbies. They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, and access to state-of-the-art wheel chairs. They would have constant video monitoring, so they would receive help immediately if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be cleaned and ironed at no charge. All meals and snacks would be brought to them. They would receive family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling and in-house concerts by nationally-recognized musical artists.

Each senior would have a TV, radio and computer, supplied at no cost. Furthermore, the ACLU would provide them with free legal advice. And I, personally, am betting that if any of the 80-year-olds suddenly decided to have a sex change operation, it would be readily provided. And if they didn’t, they would be encouraged to have conjugal visits on a regular basis.

As for the criminals, they would receive cold food and would be allowed to shower once a week. They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000-a-month, and they would have no hope of ever getting out!

Speaking of things that are ass-backwards these days, $3.7 trillion has been squandered on welfare since Obama’s inauguration in 2009. That’s five times as much money as has been spent on NASA, education and federal transportation, put together.

But it’s not just Obama and his henchmen who need to have their heads examined. What is it with the Republicans? Why are so many of them calling for the postponement of the Affordable Care Act? Millions of people are suffering from its chaotic implementation, and the Republicans want to rush to its rescue?

It was bad enough when Vladimir Putin pulled Obama’s chestnuts out of the fire when it was obvious he wasn’t going to get the go-ahead even from congressional Democrats to attack Syria. But why on earth are Republicans looking to turn the heat off the disaster that’s ObamaCare?

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) announced back in 2010 that because Republicans were opposed to Obama’s Frankenstinian version of health care, it meant they wanted Americans to die quickly. Now, on his noxious re-election website, he’s posted a picture of a burning cross, with the cross forming the “T” in Tea Party, likening conservatives to the Ku Klux Klan.

The folks in Florida unelected this cretin once, but then they put him back in office. Who are these people? It is obvious that when you are the 11th richest member of the House, you can afford to run as often as you like. But why would anyone vote for him? I can only imagine that the loons who live down there in the ninth congressional district are like those abused women who divorce their wife-beating husbands, and then decide that life without the bully is even worse than life with him.

Finally, for some reason, speaking of Obama and Grayson reminds me that Betts-Clarke of England has announced that their new line of fart-filtering underwear is jumping off the shelves, so to speak. Apparently, Shreddies, as this miracle product is called, is capable of quashing the smell of an odor 200 times worse than the average flatulence emission.

I only mentioned this in case any of you had Barack Obama, Jay Carney, Nancy Pelosi, Charles Schumer, Harry Reid, Henry Waxman, Dick Durbin or Alan Grayson, on your shopping list and wondered what to get them for Christmas.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • brickman

    Nevadans chose Reid because the other choice was Angle.

  • Paul Borden

    Those who voted for Grayson aren’t the only ones who scare me. Why do Californians continue to reelect Pelosi and Nevadans Reid? I guess the voters in San Francisco like a little comic relief, but those in Nevada don’t have that excuse.

  • Tommy Ivison

    I am just so tired of liberals attacking tea party people.The tea party is portrayed as a monolithic, secret organization, mysteriously akin to the Illuminati, Knights Templar, and KKK all rolled into one. These evil, sneaky people must be bent on destroying civization as we know it, right? Wrong. I am so insulted. I am not an official member of any tea party group but I identify with thier ideals. I would say there are more people in sympaty with the tea party than acually hold official membership.This makes for a very lose, organic movement.There are many, many diverse groups associated with the tea party movement. No secret handshakes or code words here.
    But what about all the evil ideas the tea party stands for? Well, let’s list a few: Lower taxes, personal responsibility, transpanacy in government, less government regulation, and constitutional freedoms. Oh, the horror of it !
    Go to any tea party event and you will find all kinds of different people, white people, black people, brown people, jews, catholics, protastants, and some folks I’m not sure what they are. But, what you will not see is disrespect or hate. No burning crosses to be found.
    When liberals hold a rally, they usually end up trashing the location and sending us tax payors the bill for cleaning up the mess. When the tea party holds a rally, they leave the place cleaner than they found it. I have an idea to say tax money. After liberals hold a rally, let’s follow it up with a tea party rally. The place gets cleaned up, and I am not out a dime.

    • Joel Wischkaemper

      I think.. but I am not sure, the ‘liberals’ generally read at the rate of 150 words a minute. In addition, making a comment is very simple, and a LOT easier than reading beyond the introductions.