Spanking Liberals

Burt hopes you’ll enjoy this article, and after you’re done, he hopes you’ll enjoy this bonus article torn from the headlines, Warning: Liberals on the Loose. -ed

I thought it was hilarious when Barack Obama took Mitt Romney to task for only disclosing two years of tax returns. He said, “When you run for president, people assume your life is an open book.” I want to know who writes this guy’s material so I can send him a fan letter. Imagine, the guy who has done his level best to keep all of his own personal records sealed has the chutzpah to chide his opponent for keeping secrets. That old adage about the pot calling the kettle names leaps to mind.

If liberals didn’t have double standards, they wouldn’t have any standards at all. I refer to the fact that 102 American soldiers have been killed by Afghans in uniform, 40 of the murders just in the past eight months. How is it that the same folks who kept demanding that Bush pull our troops out of Iraq aren’t insisting that Obama pull them out of Afghanistan? Why is it that the L.A. Times isn’t running a daily scorecard of military deaths and that Garry Trudeau doesn’t list the names of the ambushed warriors in his Sunday edition of Doonesbury?

At the very least, why isn’t the New York Times insisting that Obama justify squandering blood and treasure on behalf of Hamid Karzai? And how is it that no Democrat in Congress, aside from Dennis Kucinich, has raised a stink? Inasmuch as the Taliban possess no weapons of mass destruction and we’re not there to bring about regime change, how is it that liberals justify this war when they so adamantly opposed the one waged by George W. Bush?

Moving on, what is it about the United Nations that liberals find attractive? It is, after all, an organization that stands idly by while genocide takes place in Uganda, while Christians are crucified in Egypt and Syrians are bombed in Syria. While I realize that liberals have a soft spot for theories, such as socialism, that look good on paper; and that they are attracted to unattainable goals such as universal brotherhood and a planet that is not only free of industry but of people; what do they find that is even slightly appealing about this gang of freeloading thugs? As if it’s not bad enough that its various foreign delegates commit all sorts of crimes, ranging from double-parking in Manhattan to manslaughter, and suffer no consequences more severe than being sent back home, the organization itself is constantly applauding such guest speakers as Yasser Arafat, Hugo Chavez and Mahmud Ahmadinejad, and placing nations like Syria and Libya on its human rights commission.

The major differences between Mafia dons and the members of the U.N. is that the gangsters, to their credit, don’t pretend to be humanitarians, they dress better and rumor has it they actually have a code.

I mean, imagine the lunacy of the United States not only belonging to a group that grants veto powers to Russia and China, but paying most of its bills.

If President Romney doesn’t get us out of the U.N. and get the U.N. off our turf, even I’ll consider running against him in 2016.

Some people were convinced that Obama was going to dump Biden from the ticket, especially when he not only misidentified the state, but the century, in which he was speaking. Then, for good measure, he lapsed into the worst southern accent anyone recalls hearing since 2008, when Hillary Clinton was campaigning below the Mason/Dixon Line, and announced that the GOP intended to reinstitute slavery.

Some people couldn’t imagine that after that trifecta, Biden would remain on the ticket. I knew better, and it’s not just that Biden makes it so easy for Obama to appear intelligent by comparison. Because Biden is such an obvious bonehead, he is an invaluable asset. By way of explanation, let me confess that for the longest time, I wondered how it was that so many successful rock and rap stars had such terrible voices and minimal musical skills. Then it hit me. Their appeal is to homely teenagers who also sing and play badly. It’s called identification. Most people are intimidated by those who possess actual gifts. But when they watch a no-talent, it’s well within the realm of the possible that some day that could be them on stage being cheered and admired.

Therein lies the appeal of Joe Biden for millions of Democrats. In him, they see themselves. We have all heard of expensive cars, such as Ferraris, Bugattis and Porsches, referred to as chick magnets. I think it’s fair to regard Joe Biden as a cluck magnet.

Finally, we have often heard that imprisonment can further harden even hardened criminals. What you don’t often hear is that it can also turn them into liberals. For instance, consider David Berkowitz, who came to be known as “The Son of Sam” after voices in his head told him to go out and kill, racking up six murders before he was arrested. He was moved to suggest, after the spate of recent killings in Colorado, Wisconsin and Chicago, that the solution was to simply “Take the glory out of guns.”

If he ever gets out of the slammer, Mr. Berkowitz might consider running for mayor of New York with that slogan. After all, he now holds the exact same position on the Second Amendment as Michael Bloomberg (aka “Son of William and Charlotte”).

But, moreover, at least so far as I know, he doesn’t believe he’s God and therefore wouldn’t be crazy or arrogant enough to take it upon himself to ban soft drinks, chocolate and salt.

Burt hopes you’ve enjoyed this article. After you’ve read this one, he hopes you’ll enjoy this bonus article torn from the headlines, Warning: Liberals on the Loose. -ed

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website:
  • Jim Palmer

    Romney is a Bob Dole-John McCain retread.

  • Jim Palmer

    ROMNEY = BUSH. That’s all voters know and why Willard is trailing.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Jim: Willard, as you insist on calling him for some silly reason, is not trailing Obama.  You mustn’t pay too much attention to phony polls that have more Democrats responding than Republicans.  When the incumbent isn’t scoring over 50%, especially before the debates, he is in deep doo-doo.

      What do you have against George Bush?  That the Chris Dodd/Barney Frank/Barack Obama economy tanked during his last few months in office?


      • Mariop

        Burt, what is this Dodd/Frank/Obama economy you’re blaming for the economic collapse?

  • Bruce A.

    I can’t remember what commentator called Joe Biden  Pres. Obamas life insurance.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Bruce: That is generally what people say about everyone’s V.P.  In the case of Obama and Biden, I’d take the latter any day of the week.


  • Michael

    When I read the title (Spanking Liberals), I got excited, and thought maybe this was the opening post in a series of tell-alls about things you saw and heard behind the scenes during your career in Hollywood.

    • BurtPrelutsky

      Down, boy!  Do you really think I’d offer that up in an article for free when untold millions would be mine if I wrote such a book?

      Regards, Burt

  • NevDoc

    It appears that the requirements
    for becoming a democrat is the following:
    1. must posses what appears
    to be a brain wave (not nessearrily a real one).

    2. must have a pulse (you may have to borrow one from a live person, or animal because      they are recruting dead people, pets and cartoon charactors).
    3. Must be able to spell G.E.D. (alternate spellings are D.E.G., E.G.D,. D.G.E. or being able to recite at least 3 of the 26 leters of the alphabet in any order).
    4. Believes Honey Boo Boo will make a great Secretary of State (not much different from Hillary but may have more common sense).
    There are many more strict requiremts too numerous to list here but you get the drift.

    • BurtPrelutsky

       A Democrat must also be willing, even anxious, to trade his vote for a bowl of gruel.


  • deny916

    It just kills me that obozo wants Romney to disclose everything yet and he has everything sealed up.  What and how much stuff is this dude trying to hide?  I am so disgusted with “reporters” who do nothing but fawn over, protect obammy, and do everything in their power to get him re-elected.  What ever happened to REAL reporters who wanted to break the real story?   I’ve said before if Nixon had been a dumbocrat the lame stream media never would have even bothered to look into Watergate!

    • BurtPrelutsky

       deny: Reporters weren’t as corrupt back in the 1970s, but Woodward and Bernstein were responsible for an awful lot of really dumb college students deciding to pursue journalism as a career…and nearly all of them had a liberal ax to grind.


  • DanB_Tiffin

    “Joe Biden as a cluck magnet.”I never thought of it that way.    It fits them so well!

    • BurtPrelutsky

       Him, Dan, it fits him.


      • DanB_Tiffin

        Joe is the cluck, but his purpose is to attract them, the cluck lovers!

        • BurtPrelutsky

           Hmmmm, well maybe, Dan.  But don’t do it again.