The End of Utopia

One of the many things I don’t understand about those on the Left is how naïve they are. Even if you get past their childlike belief that human nature doesn’t exist and that if you simply pass enough big government legislation, you can do away with greed, sloth, envy and evil, you still run into their conviction that nothing must ever be allowed to change the climate or the rate of federal spending.

I mean, even if we overlook the idiocy of believing that man controls the elements, and that if we just stop driving around or using air conditioning we can stop that hussy, Mother Nature, in her tracks, what’s so great about our weather? I happen to live in Los Angeles, where the climate is usually the only thing we have to boast about, but even I can see ways to improve it. For one thing, it’s far too hot in the summer and, judging by this year, winter has been much too cold. But what if you live in Louisiana, New Jersey or North Dakota? I bet a lot of those people would be grateful for a little change. I bet there are even a few in Minnesota who wish there was something to do in December besides ice skate, bowl and skid into snow banks. And, furthermore, I’m willing to wager that a large number of Brits long for the good old days when it was possible to grow grapes in England.

As for federal spending, how is it that, according to Obama, it must continue increasing, even beyond the Treasury’s ability to print Monopoly money? How is it that when everyone knows that the feds waste hundreds of billions of dollars every year, the mere thought of cutting spending by a mere two cents on the dollar is enough to cause apoplexy among left-wingers?

Even Republican congressmen who oppose the cuts mandated by Sequester and have suggested that the cuts should be done with a scalpel, not a meat cleaver, are starting to annoy me. With a federal debt approaching $17 trillion and an annual deficit of a trillion more, I’m all for using a cleaver or, better yet, an axe. Although I’m instinctively reluctant to cut defense spending, this is the same Pentagon, let us keep in mind, that has a history of blowing tens of millions of dollars on overpriced toilets, screwdrivers and jet planes. Besides, since 1945, when we adopted a no-win policy when it comes to waging war, if the Pentagon had to cut back their expenditures perhaps we wouldn’t feel the unnatural urge to run off every couple of years to defend one bunch of blood-thirsty Muslims against another bunch of blood-thirsty Muslims.

When it comes to blowing tax dollars on foolishness, we merely have to realize that since 2009, Obama has squandered six billion of those dollars subsidizing solar companies. The fact that in spite of those massive windfalls, one company after another has gone belly-up doesn’t really matter to this administration. No sooner does one company bite the dust than Obama turns around and sends a few hundred million dollars in seed money to another of his campaign contributors. I suppose we should all be grateful that none of his benefactors has decided to open a motion picture studio devoted to producing silent movies. After all, I’m sure they’d be every bit as popular as solar panels and electric cars.

Proof that you don’t have to be in the federal government to be a complete blockhead – although it certainly helps! – is provided by Oakland, California’s mayor, Jean Quan, who recently hosted a workshop weekend in her city. Oakland’s citizenry were offered free classes in, among other things, cheese making, producing origami photo albums and lock-picking. Last year, it should be noted, burglaries in Oakland jumped 40%. Inasmuch as the lock-picking class was even more popular than the one that taught people how to produce their own cheese, one has to assume that this year’s jump will dwarf last year’s. Let it be said that when it comes to crime, Oakland has never been a city to rest on its laurels.

A while back, in connection with the Sequester, Barack Obama felt it necessary to announce “I’m not a dictator.” It reminded me of the day Richard Nixon told us he wasn’t a crook. I know that Obama was only looking to reassure us, but when a chief executive feels compelled to tell us something we should never have reason to question, the chances are pretty good that whatever he says he isn’t, he is. Or would certainly love to be.

Speaking of our own despot-in-chief, I nearly fell off my chair when I heard him say the day after the Sequester kicked in, “It’s not going to be an apocalypse, as some have said.”

I have a variety of reactions to everything coming out of this jerk’s mouth, ranging from mimicking Justice Sam Alito’s “You lie!” to Rep. Joe Wilson’s “You lie!,” but only rarely is it “Huh?!” But I must confess to being dumbfounded. Was it possible that he’s been so busy reliving his round of golf with Tiger Woods that he hadn’t noticed that by “some people,” he was unaware that he was referring to Secretary of Transportation Ray Lahood, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Jay Carney and, most notably, himself, President Chicken Little?

In case it slipped what passes for his mind, I am only too happy to remind President Little that he devoted several weeks to trying to terrify us, warning America that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were not only going to bring locusts, famine and the plague to America, but were even going to let their steeds crap on the White House lawn.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • nepakandy

    Four horseman steeds crapping on the WH lawn – is that going to affect the Easter Egg hunt? Oh, excuse me – the spring sphere hunt.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      nepa: I don’t think that after the Sequester, there will be enough money left to pay for eggs. So perhaps the kids can just settle for collecting horse patties.


  • Wheels55

    It is time that Americans, including our elected know-it-alls, admit that we cannot afford to do as much as we try to do. Also admit that government is lousy at so many things. Marry those two thoughts together and there are the cuts needed.
    Oh wait, the Supremes may rule that thoughts cannot marry.

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Wheels: What makes life in 2013 so goofy is that the federal government, which can’t do anything right, believes it should tell everybody how to go about doing everything.


      • Wheels55

        I agree. That is why I am now a libertarian – less government is better.

  • DanB_Tiffin

    “one bunch of blood-thirsty Muslims against another bunch of blood-thirsty Muslims.” It sure seems that way to me, too. I hope we just stay out of the current/next one and just see what happens without us!

    • Burt Prelutsky

      DanB: Something bad, no doubt. But also something inevitable.


  • Jeff

    Unless you were referring to another occasion, Justice Alito said “not true” at the SOTU

    • Burt Prelutsky

      Jeff: You’re right. But I was merely translating what Alito said from Supreme Court speech into English.