The Great American News Quiz

It is obvious that when it comes to elections, the Democrats are always looking to game the system. That is why they are always campaigning to give voting privileges to prison inmates and illegal aliens. It also explains why people like Eric Holder make themselves look so foolish when they insist that the use of photo IDs on Election Day discriminates against young people and members of racial minority groups. You know, those very same folks who never seem to have a problem coming up with photo IDs when it comes to buying cigarettes and beer or getting on airplanes.

In fact, the real problem as I see it is that it is far too easy to vote. Any screwball, any crackpot, any drooling jackass, can show up and help determine who will be the President of the United States. I’m not suggesting that voting be limited to the landed gentry or white people or to people whose IQs are above 150. Each of those groups has its fair share of drooling jackasses, after all. But there is surely something terribly wrong with a system that allows people who ignore the political scene until the last possible moment and are then told that previous generations have fought and died so that these numbskulls can go out and vote. Instead of being encouraged to stay home, they are shamed into “doing their duty” when everyone in his right mind knows that the real duty of a citizen of the Republic is to first be informed.

This still being a free society, what previous generations fought and died for was the right not to vote. It’s only in dictatorships that 100% of the people are expected to go out and vote for tyrants like Joe Stalin and Saddam Hussein, and where people are sent to North Korean gulags if they don’t grieve long and hard enough when their dear leaders finally kick the bucket.

In the spirit of improving our system, I have come up with a sample quiz that people should be able to pass if they’re going to be granted voting privileges next November.

  1. How large is our national debt?
    1. $50 million
    2. $100,000,000
    3. $15 billion
    4. $15 trillion
    5. It’s a trick question. There is no such thing as a national debt.
  2. Is the National Labor Relations Board one of the three branches of the federal government?
  3. What is Harry Reid’s position in the U.S. Senate?
    1. sergeant at arms
    2. majority leader
    3. wizard
    4. men’s room attendant
    5. there is no such person.
  4. Eric Holder holds what cabinet position?
    1. attorney general
    2. token racist
    3. Barack Obama’s best friend
    4. president’s caddy
    5. lightning rod for the administration.
  5. Solyndra is the name of
    1. America’s last space shuttle
    2. a proposed oil pipeline
    3. a defunct solar panel company
    4. a vegetable
    5. the Obamas’ older daughter.
  6. What is Henry Waxman’s most notable accomplishment?
    1. voting to continue funding ACORN when even the majority of House Democrats said “enough is enough”
    2. chairing the committee investigating the use of steroids in major league baseball while under the impression that Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were chemists
    3. hiring out as a garden gnome for children’s birthday parties
    4. winning the “Biggest Nostrils in Washington” competition 30 years in a row
    5. all of the above.
  7. How long is a senator’s term?
    1. two years
    2. four years
    3. six years
    4. eight years
    5. 759 years.
  8. Where was Barack Obama born?
    1. Chicago
    2. Hawaii
    3. Kenya
    4. the brain of George Soros
    5. under a cabbage leaf.
  9. Nancy Pelosi serves what function in the House of Representatives?
    1. tour guide
    2. minority leader
    3. ideal representative of her gay, lesbian and transgender, constituents
    4. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s role model
    5. Henry Waxman’s mistress.
  10. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D, FL) plays a major role in the Democratic Party. Is it
    1. as the chairwoman of the DNC
    2. to constantly remind every Jewish congressman of the last blind date he let his grandmother arrange for him
    3. to make the likes of Maxine Waters, Barbara Boxer and Sheila Jackson Lee, seem almost regal by comparison
    4. to constantly remind Henry Waxman of the girl that got away
  11. all of the above.

The answers: (1) d; (2) No, it only thinks it is; (3) b; (4) a; (5) c; (6) e; (7) according to the Constitution, it’s c, but, for all practical purposes, it’s e; (8) no final determination has yet been made; (9) b,c.d and possibly e; (10) e. In an ideal world, if you scored 90 or 100%, you would be allowed to vote next November. If you scored 70 or 80%, you will probably vote for Obama, but it’s still a free country, if not an ideal world, and I guess there’s no way to stop you. If you scored below 70%, you will no doubt get lost on the way to your polling place, thereby earning the gratitude of a grateful nation.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write!

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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Burt Prelutsky

    You’re welcome, Bruce.

    Regards, Burt

  • Bruce A.

    Burt, thanks for the laugh.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    cma: At the very least, it would flush out Henry Waxman and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, which I would regard as a very good start.

    Shirl: I nearly failed your test. Because there are so many pols I’d like to see flushed, it actually took me a little time to figure out who N.P. is.


  • Shirl

    If only the truly informed were allowed to vote, I’m sure we could drain the swamp and NP would be the first to go. This was truly hilarious, Burt; thanks for the laugh and keep em comin!

  • cmacrider

    Burt: I assume you would also have to pass this test to run for Congress … which should flush out a lot of them.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Thank you, Michael. Sorry to be so late to the party, but I wasted the day downtown at the courthouse, waiting to be called to a jury panel. This time, the prosecutor excused me. Last time, it was the defense attorney.

    Rick: You’re right. And, furthermore, I second your motion.

    Glen: I had not heard Rep. Lee’s statement. It doesn’t surprise me. In fact, if the 11th question in my quiz had asked which congresswoman had gone west from Texas to get to Florida, I like to think I would have come up with her name.

    Best, Burt

  • Glen Stambaugh

    Burt, since you mention Sheila Jackson Lee and the voter ID issue, you may have heard her recent defense of lax requirements to vote? She says she sought a certified birth certificate and traveled “half-way ’round the world” in her failed efforts to obtain one, so her dear mum could vote. Those of us who live nearby her in Houston are wondering how this is possible, since her mother was born in Florida. Perhaps she headed west instead of east?

  • Mike Jackson

    Have you ever wondered how many Cook County cemeteries are listed as listed as residences of eligible voters?
    Imagine the introduction – “Representing the cadaver quorum of Chicago. . . . ”
    Wait, that was Daley!

  • Rick Johnson

    I think people who hold government jobs should not be allowed to vote. No Democrat could win office ever again, if that were the case.

  • Michael

    A great example of why Burt had a successful career writing for prime-time television. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. I will forward this the way Chicago votes – early and often.