The Prelutsky Platform

A while back, one of my readers, whom we’ll call Cosmo, sent me an angry challenge. He wrote: “I watch Fox, I listen to Rush and I read you. I do this because I’m trying to understand conservatives. I see them and you bashing liberal policies, but I don’t see any of you coming up with alternative policies.”

To be totally honest, I never really thought it was my mission to come up with alternative policies. I figured it was enough that I pointed out how awful the policies of this current administration are, and how great a menace Barack Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, our own little axis of evil, pose to America and our allies.

Iran, Syria and North Korea, are evil and dangerous, but they don’t have the power to destroy our freedoms or scuttle our economy. They might wish to see us on our knees, but they simply don’t have the ability to saddle us with a debt that will make our currency worthless, turn our children and grandchildren into paupers, and leave our military in shambles.

Still, I am not one to shirk a challenge. So I sent Cosmo the following message: “I can’t speak for Rush Limbaugh or Fox News, but this would be my platform if I were the Republican candidate running against Obama. First off, I would cut spending drastically. That would mean that we all face up to the fact that Social Security and Medicare cannot continue as they are. If that requires raising retirement age or even reducing payments across the board by, say, 5%, so be it. Either we act like mature adults or we slaughter the goose that lays the golden eggs.

“We join with Israel to end Iran’s nuclear ambitions, and we provide Poland and the Czech Republic with the missile defense program they were promised before Obama caved to Russia’s demands. Next, we let Russia know that there’s a new sheriff in town. When they ask something of us, we say, ‘Nyet. You guys don’t get to keep opposing us in the U.N. when it comes to Syria and then expect us to do you bums any favors.’

“That reminds me, we get out of the United Nations. Then we sell the U.N. building to Donald Trump, so he can tear it down, fumigate the property, and turn it into anything he likes, so long as it doesn’t look like something that will remind us of all the billions of dollars we sank into the most corrupt organization this side of the Arab League and the Congressional Black Caucus.

“We okay the Keystone Pipeline and we start drilling for oil on federal lands, including ANWR. We take the federal boot off the neck of the coal industry. And then we take the EPA out behind the woodshed and give those fascistic bureaucrats a spanking they’ll never forget. We also quit pretending that wind power and solar power will ever replace fossil fuel. And if electric cars are so great, we’ll allow private capital to invest in them.

If there’s an actual market, American entrepreneurs can be counted on to cash in on it.

“We quit behaving like America is a third world country where people would starve on the streets if 50 million of them weren’t provided with food stamps and if school kids weren’t given tax-subsidized breakfasts, lunches and dinners. If parents couldn’t provide their kids with three meals a day, they would be charged with child abuse, and the kids would be placed in foster homes or up for adoption.

“Single mothers would have to come up with the name of the sperm donor, who, in turn, would be made responsible for child support. Welfare for unwed mothers would be but a vague and unpleasant memory.

“Abortions would be outlawed. If in 2012, with all the birth control pills and devices available, people are still getting pregnant, it should be a criminal offense. Such people would be better off in jail anyway because they are simply too dumb to be allowed to walk around.

“We would never again speak of “social justice” and there would be no such thing as a “hate crime.” Justice would be equal for the rich and the poor, for blacks, browns and whites, and no crime would be regarded as more serious simply because the victim happened to be a homosexual, a black, a Hispanic or a Jew. Also, the federal government would no longer trample on the 5th Amendment by using a violation of a person’s civil rights as an excuse to ignore the Constitution’s protection against double jeopardy, as happened in the Rodney King case…and as I suspect will occur again if George Zimmerman is found not guilty by a jury of his peers.

“We make English our official language, meaning that ballots will no longer be printed in a hundred different languages; we do away with dual-citizenship; we insist on photo IDs in all elections; we insist on employers eVerifying all employees and suffering severe consequences if they don’t; we deny all services to anyone not able to prove that he’s in this country legally; and we stop encouraging foolishness by once and for all defining marriage as a union of one man and one woman.

“The 14th Amendment will be amended so that citizenship is not automatically granted to anchor babies born to illegal aliens, and we do so on the grounds that nobody is ever entitled to profit from the commission of a crime.

“I would indict anyone who intimidates voters, no matter the race of the intimidator. At the same time, I’d push for a mandatory sentence of 10 years in a federal pen for anyone found guilty of election fraud. I would also indict the likes of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, for everything from extortion to inciting violence.

“When it comes to voting, those who are 18-21 would be allowed to vote only if they were members of the military. After 21, any American citizen could vote so long as he’s filed a federal tax return. Nobody who is still in school and being supported by his or her parents would be enfranchised.

“The tax code would be revised so that every adult would pay something, and no one would be given a rebate larger than the amount paid in, as is often the case under the present system.

“I would limit unemployment payments to 26 weeks. It’s supposed to be a safety net, not a permanent hammock.

“We do away with the current system of “higher education.” High school graduates would go to the trade school of their choice, be it for plumbing, car repair, architecture, accounting, law, dentistry, carpentry or nursing. No more of these four year vacationlands that force parents to mortgage their homes and youngsters to mortgage their futures just so bureaucrats will have well-landscaped principalities. Moreover, professors who work 10 hours a week will no longer pull down six-figure salaries, and various football and basketball coaches will no longer pull down seven-figure salaries.

“So now, Cosmo, you not only know my policies, but, aside from my reluctance to move to Washington, D.C., because of the weather and having to spend most of my waking hours with politicians, you know why I have never run for president. In order for my master plan to become a reality, I’d have to be a dictator, and not merely the commander-in-chief. Regards, Burt”

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write!

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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website:
  • BurtPrelutsky

    ConBelle: Voting the bums out is the only chance we have.

    Roxiebell: Thank you for your undying support.

    Jeannette: The problem with term limits is that we might not be able to replace people as good as Bachmann, Rubio and Issa, but the other side will have no trouble at all replacing the likes of Waxman, Sherman, Waters and Rangel.


  • ConBelle

    Ouch!! A real slap of common sense and truth telling, Burt. It’s pretty sad when this is just about what it is going to take to stop all the nonsense going on in America today. But mostly, we need to make a correction in our government who sets the example for the rest of the country. Voting out the bums that are bringing us down is a good start!!!!

  • Roxiebell

    Hey, you’ve got my vote.

  • Jeannette

    What’s not to like about this platform?  Are there any slats left out?  Well, I might add term limits for Congress.  We have one for the Presidency — why not for the Senators and Representatives who hang around nearly until they have to be carried out feet first?  Or get kicked out my some upstart?  How very embarrassing that must be for somebody like Sen. Lugar!

  • BurtPrelutsky

    Genann59: Obama won’t have reason to change his mind because he would never be limited to ObamaCare.  He and Michelle are worth roughly $10 million now.  Ten years from now, they will be worth over $100 million, just like the Clintons.  Those book deals and speaking fees add up quickly for ex-presidents and their wives.

    Brhurdle:  Needless to say, I never heard back from Cosmo.  For which I am grateful.

    Regards, Burt

    • Dave O’Connor

      And he’ll never have to dodge for cover, or escape a mob; in a crisis, the women and children come after “Them”.
      It’s celebrity courtesy (international prcedents). Ever notice how many royals or dictators, thier kin and retinues are always shufffled out of the mobways?
      You can just bet the Obama’s have ‘advance teams’ spread out in three-hundred and sixty degrees. (Closets furnished and staffs recruited.)

    • Jeffreydan

       “He and Michelle are worth roughly $10 million now.  Ten years from now, they will be worth over $100 million, just like the Clintons.”

      And Michelle will still get sore as hell that other people aren’t paying for her extravagant vacations.    

  • genann59

    Remember back in the early hippie years, when those under 30 thought you should be killed off once you reached 30? Where life after 30 was considered by the young (then) leftists as not being worth living? and how as soon as many of those activists reached 30, they reconsidered? Kinda wondering if Obama and his crew will have the same change of heart as they near 70, the new age that is considered no longer worthy of allowing people to exist?
    Just curious.

  • genann59

    Love it Burt, and if you decide to ever run you have my vote. (BTW – I get social security and would be more than willing to give up 5% or more to keep it going for those who would need it in the future. And I get VA disability and would be more than willing to give up more than 5% of it to also help balance the budget. Would require some belt tightening, but we all need to pitch in some to help.) Without many of the reforms you mention, the economy will likely crash and everyone will be doing without much we now take for granted.
    Yep, think you have it right. And I’m getting too close to the cut off age where Obamacare considers me worthy of surviving anyhow. Five more years and it is pain medicine to make me comfortable as I die instead of the real medical care this country is (soon to be was) famous for.

  • Brhurdle

    If the inquiring writer has to look at Fox News and listen to Rush Limbaugh to understand the posion of conservatives, he has no intention of gaining a comprehension of their philosophy. He simply wants to hear things that he can disagree with so that he can justify his anger at those terrible people that have the audacity to have those terrible opinions.

    • Dave O’Connor

      Great summary Bdhurdle;
      “He simply wants to hear things that he can disagree with so that he can justify his anger…”
      He indulges in negativity for its own sake. And, worse, he has to. It’s a modus vivendi.

  • Dave O’Connor

    I believe that Cosmo (” I do this because I’m trying to understand conservatives.”) is more concerned about hearing only what he wants to hear. His ear-drums are evidently tuned to ‘soft-speak’, rather than ‘reality speak’. Chances are he’s thin-skinned, too, and bruises easily  (like Uno Hoo).
    It’s a wonder that Cosmo listens to and watches all those sites, considering the susceptible nature of his hide.
    He reminnds me of the explorer in pursuit of the ‘Font of Knowledge’ who, upon finding it, only gargled.

  • BurtPrelutsky

    cma: I would definitely dump the tax code.  I would probably go with a consumption tax, which would guarantee that everyone, not just 52% of us, had to contribute.  Because rich people spend more than other people, they would pay more in taxes, but nobody would get a free ride.

    By the way, in general, how do your fellow Canadians view the upcoming election between Obama and Romney?


    • cmacrider

      Burt:  I will attempt an objective answer.  Generally I think if the vote were held in Canada Obama would lose to Romney.  Canadians do not see Obama as competent and they are accustom to the American President being sort of a grade above our Prime Minister in world affairs etc.  However, the political left would support him because he talks their language.  Curiously they are strangely silent on the topic because, I suspect, his record on policy is so pathetic.  Essentially I detect an “enthusiasm problem” among the Canadian political Left in sharp contrast to their adoration of J.F.K.  and other Democrats.   The Political Right are quite united against Obama because (a) we spent years of blood and treasure in Afghanistan only to see him give up the ghost, (b) his fiscal recklessness has kept our economy in a precarious position because the U.S. is our biggest customer, (c) the Keystone pipeline non decision was considered a cynical political move which ignored a historic partnership and made no sense from an American perspective. (d) his class warfare B.S. is old hat for the Political Right because we have a continuous battle against socialism since it took hold in Canada in the 1940’s.  Overall, I think Obama would lose because there is a general sense of disappointment over his actual performance and a sense that he is an amateur attempting to pose as a major league star. 

      One thing is strange.  If you ask the cab driver or someone who you suspect is not heavily invested in American politics, they indicate that they don’t think Obama has a ghost of a chance of victory.  They assume his defeat is a foregone conclusion.

      If the election were held solely in my Province, [Alberta] Obama would fare about as well as he will do in Oklahoma.  Quebec I guess would go Obama .. Ontario would be a tight call because American fiscal madness has hurt their manufacturing sector while the Toronto elites would follow George Clooney to the ends of the earth.  Saskatchewan would go Romney … as would B.C. and probably Manitoba.  I can’t make a call on the Maritimes … they would probably all be out cod fishing.

      • Michael

        Very interesting post.  Thanks!

    • ron1443

      You would first make sure that the 16th amendment was repealed, right?

  • cmacrider

    Burt:  better not run …. you may win in a landslide  particularly if you decided not merely to revised the tax code but repeal it and replace it with either a flat tax or a consumption tax.  I’ve never understood the rationale for taxing success except that it gives politicians a tool to get political contributions and lobbyists an opportunity to promote crony capitalism.

    BTW:  Has Obama ever published his detailed platform.  Possibly “Cosmos” could send you a copy.  As far as I know he has no policies except “tax the rich” which would pay one month’s interest on the national debt and decimate the American economy.

  • BurtPrelutsky

    Thomas: I’m afraid that only a minority of voters would be happy with my platform.  That’s why I need to be the dictator; I could never get myself elected.

    GlenFS: And what’s more, there would be a lot less traffic on the freeways and a lot more parking spaces for the survivors.


  • GlenFS

    Burt,  Your enemies would hate you with a passion born in hell alone, but the rest of us would enjoy a much improved quality of life.

  • Thomas Morgan

    Excellent Burt!!!  Run and you will have my vote.  I agree with everything in your platform.  Wish there was a lot more of us out there.  The items in your platform are all common sense, which is lacking now days.

    • CCNV

       We ARE out here, Mr. Morgan. Just wait until November…

  • BurtPrelutsky

    Rick: I plead guilty.

    Bruce: I second your motion.

    Doom161: I didn’t mention it in my platform, but I would also do away with the Bureau of Indian Affairs and I would do away with Indian reservations.  Enough is enough already.


  • DOOM161

    I disagree with your platform on the UN building.  Since the UN has called for the US to return land to American Indians, I say we give them back the land on which the UN building stands.

  • Rick Johnson

    Oh, if we only had that magic wand, Mr. Prelutsky. I noticed how so many of your policies center around personal responsibility. How old fashioned of you!

  • Bruce A.

    This platform is full of nothing but common sense.  Time to turn the american economy loose & handcuff the bureucrats.