Trail Balloons

Politicians are always floating trial balloons to test the winds for their various programs. I have my own balloons, and I often wish I could use them to float off to another planet

For instance, I received an email from a fellow who had spent 40 years working in procurement for the U.S. military. He was calling my attention to how quickly the federal government got those signs announcing the shutdown printed and posted all across the country, at every national park and monument. As he says, it’s not as if they just happened to have those thousands of 3×4-foot signs lying around since the last shutdown 17 years ago.

He estimates that they had to have started getting them ready at least six months ago, and the only person who could have authorized the massive project is the schmuck in the Oval Office.

On the other hand, he had over a year and $500 million to spend getting ready for ObamaCare, and that was a total disaster, with apparently only a dozen Americans signed in and signed up after the first two weeks of the grand opening.

My assumption is that merely proves Obama can only juggle one catastrophe at a time, confirming him to be the sort who can walk and chew gum, but not simultaneously.

Some people are convinced that Obama was born in Kenya. I confess that I simply don’t know. I confess, though, that it wouldn’t shock me to learn that he had been born in the Aloha State. After all, Hawaii is even more liberal than California. In fact, it’s so far to the left, they couldn’t even find a place for it on the mainland; they had to stick it way out in the middle of the ocean. Unfortunately, they let it remain above sea level.

By this time, you have probably heard about the school that banned football, baseball and soccer from recess, lest a kid be hurt with a hard ball. Instead, they have them using Nerfballs. I suppose the next step is to eliminate language, history and math, from the curriculum because they’re hard subjects.

Along the same lines, the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports and Nutrition, has put the kibosh on three postage stamps in a series dedicated to healthy activities. The problem is that they showed a kid on a skateboard without knee pads, a kid cannonballing into a pool and a kid doing a handstand without a helmet.

I’m almost too shocked to ask the question, but what kid has ever performed a handstand while wearing a helmet? And what sort of loon do you have to be to be appointed to this council, and just what activities have they been performing without a helmet that’s left them in this tragic brain-damaged condition?

I’ve noticed that whenever anything unfortunate occurs, we can trust some pompous ass in Washington to declare “We must never allow this to happen ever again,” even though it’s something they are powerless to prevent. My theory is that by making that pointless statement, it makes them feel as if they’ve actually done something.

But when I say we must never allow this to happen again, I am referring to the election of Barack Obama, and I mean it. I understand that he, personally, can never run again, but that’s not good enough. The thing that must never happen again is electing someone simply because he or she is black, Jewish, Hispanic, gay, female or suffer from a physical disability.

For one thing, it’s a really dumb thing to do. I mean, it’s even dumber than most of the reasons we vote for some shmoe. For another, once one of these people is elected president and you happen to disagree with their policy, you will be labeled a bigot, an anti-Semite, a misogynist, a homophobe or just plain heartless.

Moreover, if you vote for anyone whose resume mentions time spent as a community organizer, which is just another name for a left-wing troublemaker, you shouldn’t be labeled anything. Instead, you should be belted with a baseball bat.

The Nobel Peace Prize, which has replaced the Stalin Peace Prize for all intents and purposes, has gone this year to the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons, a Hague-based group dedicated to eliminating poison gas. But inasmuch as it has no authority to do anything, it’s really just another of those organizations with a high-sounding name that’s created so that it’s overpaid members can live high, wide and handsomely, off their expense accounts.

The million dollar prize could have gone to Malala Yousafzai, the 16-year-old Pakistani who has been an advocate for Middle East girls being given an education. After all, for her efforts to bring civilization belatedly to the Muslim world, she took a bullet in the face when the Taliban attempted to assassinate her last year. There is still a fatwa on her and her father. The only risk to those clowns who received the Peace Prize is a severe case of the gout.

Generally when it comes to our nation’s enemies, we speak longingly of bombing them back to the Dark Ages. However, when referring to the Taliban and their vile comrades in Al Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood, who already dwell in the Dark Ages, their appropriate fate would be to wake up with missing limbs in the Ice Age.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Wheels55

    So, government is very effective at putting up signs. What a surprise!!

  • PeterFitzwell

    Some shutdown. During the shutdown the US Mint cashed my check & mailed my proof set. It even arrived before the govt. reopened.

  • Brian Fr Langley

    Affirmative action has been a success,
    (ever see a cop come in a dress)?
    but when fight in a bar,
    where they’re smaller by far,
    if they send in the girls it’s a mess.

  • sjangers

    Nice column, Burt. But you should give the President more credit. He really has demonstrated ability to do two or more things simultaneously. For instance, while chewing gum he’ll also denigrate his political opponents and admire his reflection in a mirror. While walking, he can complain bitterly about his political opponents and admire his reflection in passing windows. While mismanaging, well, just about any program he’s supposed to be running, he’ll engage in vicious partisan rhetoric against his political opponents and admire his reflection is television camera lenses. If nothing else, the man is clearly a multi-tasker.

    So let’s acknowledge the President’s accomplishments and don’t be a hater. But please, stay bitter, my friend. It’s always darned amusing.

  • WallyC

    What amazes me is that the Obama backers complain about people questioning his birthplace, school records, etc. They say it is because he is a person of color. Could it be because he has “sealed” all of his records? As far as I know this is the first candidate/president to do so. Things are sealed for a reason and they create curiosity.

    • therealguyfaux

      It’s been theorized that there is nothing particularly untoward in those records (and by now, if they needed to be well-scrubbed, I’m sure they have been), but that, by not releasing them, he makes those calling for the release into paranoid tinfoil hatters, which is the sort of thing he needs his base to believe his opponents are.

  • legal eagle

    More whining from a bitter old man longing for the good old days…