Trying to Make Sense of Liberals

by Burt Prelutsky

It’s probably no surprise that nearly all of my Jewish friends and relatives long ago washed their hands of me. They simply couldn’t fathom how I, who grew up as most of them did, in the home of Russian-Jewish immigrants, could have turned out to be a conservative. Some of them are still so angry about it that I’m convinced that they would reverse the circumcision if they could.

For my part, I find it equally mystifying that people who were lucky enough to have been born in America can be as ungrateful as they are. Whether it’s Spike Lee claiming we’re the most violent nation in the history of the world, Barack Obama insisting that there’s nothing exceptional about America or some Muslim tinhorn like Mahmud Ahmadinejad calling us the Great Satan, these ingrates are prepared to give them a heart-felt “Amen!”

For good measure, a good number of these twerps remain convinced that either the Islamics brought down the Twin Towers on 9/11 and, moreover, were justified in doing so, or that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney set the explosives in the dead of night and should be prosecuted for war crimes.

Speaking of our two most recent presidents, I can’t begin to tell you how much I resent both Bush and Obama telling us what a terrific religion Islam is. I notice that they never had much to say about Christianity or Judaism, but when it came to the faith of our sworn enemies, the praise was constant. The way I look at it, if the president wants to convince me of his sincerity, I want him first to convert and then come ring my doorbell just like the Jehovah’s Witnesses. What I don’t want is for him to use his bully pulpit to sell us a bill of goods.

Speaking of religion, a thought that occurred to me recently is, if God doesn’t believe in atheists, does it mean that atheists don’t exist?

Finally, just the other day I was trying to figure out what it would be like if I found myself in the brain of a liberal. I decided it must be a very dark and scary place with lots of pot-holes. I mean, when Bill Maher, for instance, gets all cranky and starts whining about the mean things that some people say about Obama, has he truly forgotten that liberals such as himself frequently compared George Bush to Hitler and wished for him to die a slow, painful death?

Or is it that people like Maher, Joy Behar and Chris Matthews, are so convinced that they are perched at the very top of the highest moral ground on earth that only crazy people could possibly disagree with their vision of the world?

Understand, I don’t expect those on the left to say nice things about those on the other side. Why should they? I don’t, although I sometimes wish I could so that I’d appear to be above the partisan fray. But how can I when I believe that leftists are out to destroy America, whether intentionally or simply through ignorance and pigheadedness?

Still, if I were a liberal, I’d hate to think I was one of those dummies who kept parroting the same stale bilge about Sarah Palin. I understand that folks on the left are convinced that they raise the intellectual curve of any room they enter, but how does anyone dare question Mrs. Palin’s intelligence without at least granting that people like Barbara Lee, Nancy Pelosi and Janet Napolitano, are about as sharp as a bag of marshmallows?

And who could possibly deny that if Barbara Boxer were any dumber, you’d have to sprinkle her with fertilizer, prune her limbs on a regular basis and water her twice a week?

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©2011 Burt Prelutsky
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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
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  • Nicholas

    I’ll agree with you Burt that if Nancy Pelosi and the others you mentioned crossed their legs, held their noses, and farted, they’d clear out their minds. That doesn’t excuse Sarah Palin.

    As for your remark about atheists, that’s a rhetorical question. Here’s a better one: If God doesn’t believe in atheists but atheists do exist (and they do), then does that mean God isn’t omniscient and omnipresent?






    • MarioP

      Yeah, that’s shameful. You can find more of such criminals on republicanoffenders(d-o-t)c-o-m.

  • MarioP

    I always find it comical when a conservative claims the liberals are destroying America. What a false statement that is. Please don’t ignore the fact that the Democrats run better economies than the Republicans, with less national debt, and all the while protecting our environment more effectively than the Right. There is nothing more destructive to our nation than the Republican party with their poor economies, massive debt, and environmentally careless policies. Mr. Burt, your accusations towards the Left are unsupported, especially at the national level.

  • Shirl

    Amen Burt. Pelosi and Boxer with their hipocracy; saying they care about the poor and in the same breath talking about owning a hybred and saving on gas and the environment, ha. What a toot! Boxer was just recently on C-Span whining about people with asthma and the democrats keeping the environment clean. Well, we won’t have to worry about breathing anymore if her corrupt EPA is allowed to exist, we will all be taxed to death. I also believe the progressives are out to destroy America so they can put into place their nutty policies. Palin for president and drill baby drill.

    • MarioP

      Hey Shirl,

      Drill Baby Drill? Who is going to be doing this drilling and what for?

    • Bruce A.

      Until there are any viable alternatives the lands should be open here. It may be a few years before oil is pumped, but there is no time like the present time to start. Cheap oil will fuel economic growth, check the history. BTW I spend a lot of time outside fishing etc.& I enjoy a clean environment, but the regulatory policies of the US govt. have also destroyed many incentives to grow a business. There has to be a sane balance, not the lunacy we now suffer with.

      • MarioP

        Bruce A.,

        You believe the oil companies will want to expand their drilling/pumping/piping/refining infrastructure so they can make the consumer happy by lowering the price of oil? If you were the CEO of an oil company, would you invest billions into expanding your oil infrastructure so you can sell the oil at half price? Why would you, since you have been enjoying record profits over the last few years? Or would you just sit put so the oil price will stay at the current levels? My point is, oil companies will not drastically expand into new oil fields if it means the price of oil will come down. Any expansion will be slow in order to maintain the current price. It costs $65/barrel to extract oil from US continental shelves. How low do you see the price dropping before the oil companies seize pumping from their existing oil platforms? Expanding the oil infrastructure to lower the cost of oil doesn’t make financial sense. This has nothing to do with the environment. It’s plain economics.

  • Gerry

    When my sister-in-law heard that my family (which lives in Israel) would be voting for George W. Bush in 2004, she stopped speaking to us. Liberal, indeed.

    • MarioP

      I don’t blame her not being able to stand a family member making the same mistake twice. By the way, thanks for voting in the biggest mistake of your voting life. It’s still costing me dearly.