With Conservatives Like These…

Santorum, Gingrich and Perry, all condemned Mitt Romney’s Bain Financial for putting people out of work. If anyone should be sidelined, it’s Santorum, Gingrich and Perry.

For one thing, as every conservative who isn’t running behind in the primaries knows, venture capitalists put their money where their mouths are. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as the old adage goes. When it comes to picking winners, Bain has a far better record than the Obama administration. After all, Bain was gambling on turning around the fortunes of companies that were close to death or assisting in the birth of companies that would otherwise have been aborted. Obama, on the other hand, handed out billions of our tax dollars for no other reason than that company owners had contributed heavily to his presidential campaigns.

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney

As Romney has admitted, there were times when Bain had no choice but to shut down companies and let the employees go, but in every case those employees kept drawing salaries for a far longer time than they would have done without Bain’s infusion of cash. Clearly, those factory workers confused themselves with public sector union members. Those are the folks, let us never forget, who keep getting hired and having their salaries and pensions increased in spite of a failing economy. That’s the difference between Washington, D.C. and the real world.

Another irony of the campaigns that Santorum, Perry and Gingrich, are running is that each of them promises to shut down entire departments of the federal government if they’re elected president. Just how will they manage to keep that promise without handing out thousands of pink slips? While it’s true that the intended victims are nothing more than Washington bureaucrats, they are still more or less human beings with children to feed and mortgages to pay.

Some people defend Gingrich’s attacks on Romney, insisting that Romney has it coming because of the ads that Romney’s supporters ran in Iowa attacking Mr. Gingrich. The obvious difference is that while Romney’s attacks could certainly be described as vicious, they also happened to be true. In fact, they could easily have been even more hurtful.

Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich

For instance, Gingrich was a serial adulterer. And while he has insisted he is a changed man and that he regrets his sins, the same holds true for every other rascal who has ever been found out. On one occasion, he even explained his adultery by stating “Partially, I was driven by how passionate I felt about this country that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” It’s not every day, thank God, that America is basically cast as The Other Woman. Even Bill Clinton, who couldn’t quite define sex, but certainly knew it when he saw it, didn’t rationalize his boorish behavior as excessive patriotism.

Not only did Gingrich dump his first wife and their two kids, but, adding injury to insult, he refused to pay alimony or child support, thus forcing the local Baptist church to pass the hat. He eventually repaid the debt in full, though, by converting to Catholicism.

It’s true that Gingrich was the first Speaker who was ever censured and fined by his congressional colleagues. And although it was for financial shenanigans, it did not, for some reason, involve the multi-million dollar book deal he had cut with Rupert Murdoch. The deal, it so happens, had far less to do with Gingrich’s writing ability than with the fact that mogul giant Murdoch had a vested interest in befriending, otherwise known as bribing, the Speaker, who at the time chaired the committee that oversaw the granting of radio and TV licenses.

Lest we ever forget, Gingrich volunteered to sit on that dumb couch with Nancy Pelosi, and help her perpetuate Al Gore’s hoax of global warming. He has since said that agreeing to make that TV spot was the single dumbest thing he ever did. But I think he was just being modest.

Gingrich pocketed $1.6 million of our tax dollars, thanks to the generosity of Freddie Mac, for allegedly giving them advice he claims they ignored for five years. I wonder if that gig is still available. It’s a job I was born to have. After all, I’m constantly giving people advice they ignore.

Gingrich derided Paul Ryan’s fiscal plan as “right-wing social engineering” and then, for good measure, insisted that when Romney said he would enjoy firing his health insurance provider if they failed to satisfy his needs, he really meant that he took pleasure in firing people who worked for him.

Now, in desperation, after finishing near the bottom in Iowa and New Hampshire, Gingrich attacks Romney for profiting from being a free market capitalist.

The good news for Newt is that once he finally drops out of the GOP race, he can sign on with David Axelrod and start getting paid to help re-elect Barack Obama.

In conclusion, a free piece of advice for Callista: Be on the alert if Newt claims he’s working late at the office. By now, I think we all know — and you, better than most — how patriotic this guy can get.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky.Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!

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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website: http://www.burtprelutsky.com/
  • Burt Prelutsky

    Bruce A: Nobody ever said that Newt wasn’t world class when it came to putting the best face on his flaws. The problem is that Newt’s greatest strengths (debating skills, attacking his opponents, magnifying his own achievements) are about as necessary in a president as an appendix.


  • Bruce A.

    Burt, I never heard adultery described as excessive patriotism before. I will remember that next time the flag is raised.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Doom: Perhaps the reason everyone, meaning Gingrich, doesn’t pounce on Romney’s love of the mandate is because Gingrich, Casanova incarnate, loved it first.


  • DOOM161

    1. Clinton couldn’t define “is”.

    2. I don’t know why they don’t pounce on Romney’s love of the individual mandate.

    3. Why does Romney think that he can get ahead by likening his work at Bain Capital to Obama’s policies?

    • Steve Angers

      “Clinton couldn’t define “is”.”

      He could define it, DOOM. He just saw many more definitions of the word, and much more nuance to them, than the rest of us can.

      Doctors warn that excessive erectile activity can be physically harmful. In Clinton’s case, it apparently triggered a psychedelic experience that opened his mind to possibilities in the English language that none of the rest of us have ever considered.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    CMA: Thanks for the new data. I didn’t realize that hundreds of people actually support Rep. Paul.
    In that case, I take it all back.


  • cmacrider

    Burt: How could you possibly be favouring Romney when you have Ron Paul as an option. Watching the latest debate he definitely has the “plan.” (1) Strengthen America’s defence by cutting 1 trillion from the Defence Budget and retreating into continental U.S.A. (I’m not sure whether Hawaii and Alaska are considered foreign ventures in Paul’s mind) (2) Solve the American Debt problem by cutting income tax to zero. (What was Paul Ryan doing spending all that time putting together that silly report on fiscal responsibility when it was so simple??? (3) Solve the drug problem by legalizing it.
    Come on Burt … you’re buddy Paul (Mr. McGoo as you call him) is definitely the Guy to be at the helm and he has hundreds of disciples on Twitter to support him.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Steve: If given the choice, I would take Gingrich over Obama. But as the choice right now is Gingrich or Romney, I’m sticking with Newt. To continue your analogy, I know Mitt’s too rich and good-looking to take me to the prom, but I still think he’d make a better senior class president than that fat dork Gingrich, who seems to be going steady with the ice princess, Callista. (Sounds like an STD if you ask me.)


    • Glen Stambaugh

      Burt, funny as ever. You meant to say, “sticking with MITT”? I know Newt had a pretty good debate Monday, but didn’t think it was good enough to sway you (or me).

    • Steve Angers

      Thanks for playing along, Burt. I like that high school analogy. It’s funny how much of adult life ends up looking like one failed attempt after another to relive our dysfunctional high school experiences.

      I agree with you about Newt over Obama. Besides, I think that Obama guy is just a little too cool to even give us the time of day.

      Keep looking. But don’t give up on Catholic boys. Sure, we look like altar boys every Sunday morning, under the watchful eyes of our parents and the Monsignor. But you have no idea how promiscuous we can get when we don’t think anyone is paying attention. Maybe Newt is strolling hand-in-hand with the ice princess now, but he’ll still take you for a ride if you let him know you’re available. Just don’t be surprised if the phone number he gives you afterward is for a phone-sex service. It was probably the only one he could think of on the spur of the moment.

      You and I probably shouldn’t be hatin’ on people named Callista. But yeah, I wouldn’t want to catch it. I’ve got enough problems.

      Take care. Thanks for keeping us thinking and laughing.

  • Steve Angers

    That was a great column, Burt! Hilarious! But I shouldn’t have been reading it during breakfast. I passed a mouthful of oatmeal (and, I think, a couple of raisins) through my nose. I’ve been advised that, should it happen again, I’ll be eating alone for a while.

    Your observations also made a lot of sense. I’m afraid we’re going to have to ask you to cut that out! This is the political season, when nothing is expected to make sense. Sense (and rationalizations) is for after the election, when we wake up and realize: “I just did what!!!?”

    But for now we live in the moment, where being rational can’t compare to the tingle that runs up our leg when we hear our favorite candidate tell us, well, whatever we want to hear. And they do just that. Or at least they’ll tell us whatever they think we want to hear, or whatever they think they can get us to believe. It gets complicated, and confusing, after a while.

    For the candidate, it’s all about getting the people to like them. And a serial philanderer obviously has some real skills in that area. Newt’s starting to turn on the charm now, pitching us some serious woo in the hope that we’ll say ‘yes’ when he asks us to the prom (and the after-party he has planned for the back seat of his Chevy/pickup/SUV/Lamborghini). And, just in case we might be a little bit attracted to that preppie Romney fellow over there, he’s also letting us know why we shouldn’t be. All’s fair, as they say, in love and war. And in politics. Especially in politics.

    Gingrich is doing and saying whatever he thinks will help him get the nomination, and part of that involves doing and saying whatever he thinks will keep Romney from the nomination. It doesn’t matter if it’s reasonable, or if it makes sense, as long as it works. You (and I) may see through his line. We may recognize the inconsistencies, the contradictions and the outright lies in his pitch. But Newt isn’t going to worry about appealing to us. He’s not looking for a smart ‘girl’. He wants a dumb one, ‘cuz he know he’s got a better chance of getting somewhere with her. And hot! She’s gotta be hot!

    So Newt keeps tossing out one pickup line after another. Yesterday, in Myrtle Beach, Gingrich came out with a great one (and a great rationalization for why Romney shouldn’t be the Republican nominee) when he asked Republicans: “Why would you want to nominate the guy who lost to the guy who lost to Obama (in 2008)?”.

    Now I don’t claim to have been an eager young Congressman in 1980, courageously helping the Great Communicator mid-wife the birth of the Reagan Revolution. But even I know that, in 1980, Ronald Reagan was the guy who lost to the guy who lost to Jimmy Carter in 1976. But Newt’s trolling for the hot chick, not some smart chick with glasses and a beard, so he’s not worried about my opinion. He’ll keep his fingers snapping and his gold chains jingling, whatever I may think about him. He a playa!

    And it may get him somewhere. When the primary campaign was first starting to heat up, I took a look at Gingrich. He was somewhat attractive as a candidate. I appreciated his intelligence, his ability to generate ideas, and his speaking skills. I knew that he was capable of generating a fair amount of charm that played well in person and translated to television. But there are two sides to Newt’s personality. And I also knew that he brought a lot of baggage into the race from his time as Speaker. I had questions about whether he would be able to win in November.

    The primary contests are beginning to get serious and now we’re starting to see the reemergence of that arrogant, egotistical, unprincipled character who was drummed out of the Speaker’s Office. I find myself liking him less and less as a person and as a potential President. But I wonder if he isn’t starting to become more electable. I’m guessing he thinks he is.