Year of the Brat

Devotees of the U.S. Constitution recently got a nice treat when a conservative underdog took out an establishment limpnoodle in Virginia, but they weren’t the only ones. Right-wing smartasses like me got a sweet little something-something too: prime fodder for an easy joke.

Dave Brat’s June 10th primary victory over Rep. Eric Cantor was a one-liner just begging to be coined; a set-up so beautifully obvious and ripe I’ll probably still be remembering it fondly during my funeral. One idea after another came to me for days on end, building up at an almost alarming rate, eventually spilling out into my garage, until I finally settled on “What do Eric Cantor and Mitt Romney have in common? Both were defeated by a Brat.” Granted, it’s no “What was Monica Lewinski’s position at the White House? Kneeling” but pickin’s was better back then.

It seems like Barack Obama has been in a long competition for the World’s Worst Brat Award (trophy in the shape of a pair of pouting lips with legs, one in mid-stomp), his most formidable opponent being himself on a prior occasion. Recalling moments the president acted like a spiteful, whiny little child starts to get kind of unsettling after a while:

-July 9, 2014: “The Republicans in congress right now will do anything to score points for those at the top, or to try to score political points political points on me. Even if the obstruction keeps the system rigged against the middle class.”

-June 27, 2014: “They don’t do anything! Except block me! And, and, and call me names. And it can’t be that much fun. It’d be so much more fun if they said ‘you know what, let’s do something together’. If they were more interested in growing the economy for you, and the issues that you’re talking about, instead of trying to mess with me, then we’d be doing a lot better.”

Also in that speech: “We’ve got a party on the other side whose only rationale, motivation seems to be opposing me.”

-March 2013: “I recognize that it’s very hard for Republicans leaders to be perceived as making concessions to me… Is there something else I could do to make these guys — I’m not talking about the leaders now, but maybe some of the House Republican caucus members — not paint horns on my head?”

-January 2014, referring to the NBA champion Miami Heat: “Sometimes, it feels like they’re still fighting for a little respect — I can relate to that.”

The guy simply wants what he wants. He wants only others to bear the burden of concession. He wants to decide who has to follow the law, and when or if a law should be followed. He wants Republicans to shut up and get out of his way. He wants to rock & roll all nite. He wants you to want him. He wants to be sedated.

Hat tip to Tad Cronn of, for the best sum-up of Obama’s attitude: “He may as well be wearing short pants and have chocolate smeared all over his face while screaming ‘I want, I want.’”

It turns out there’s other competition out there for the WWBA, though I’m not sure how to narrow this huge group down to one brathlete.

Ever since the Hobby Lobby decision was handed down by the Supreme Court, the public has been getting a huge helping of an ugly, virulent sense of entitlement from countless, mostly female parties. (Though something tells me the most fitting description of any of these people wouldn’t include the word “party.”) This mentality, along with a schmear of blatant sexism, was well represented by the California-based former Speaker of the House, Nancy “Surgically-altered Reason to Vacation Elsewhere” Pelosi: “We should be afraid of this court. The five guys who start determining what contraceptions(sic) are legal…that court decision was a frightening one. That five men could get down to specifics of whether a woman should use a diaphragm and she should pay for it herself or her boss. It’s not her boss’s business.”

Well, I don’t know about you but she sure convinced me! I have surely hopped my hiney off the proverbial fence! I couldn’t be more certain if I were death & taxes! Yes, I now stand here 100% positive Ms. Pelosi freebases with pencil lead.

It could be because Hobby Lobby’s attorneys happened to be women, and, as I can’t stress enough to Madame No Longer Speaker, the female kind without testicles. Or, maybe it’s because the one thing she loves even more than her family and taxpayer-funded Botox top-offs, the 1973 SCOTUS ruling on Roe v. Wade, was made entirely by men. Heck, perhaps it just seems a little strange to tell a guy something is not his business after he went through a long, expensive effort to keep it from being his business. (But hey, it seems a little strange that Pelosi’s eyelids look as if they’re controlled by spring mechanisms.)

One particular part was a real non-sequitur, and that was her bringing up use of a diaphragm. I mean, why does she care what a woman uses to explain or illustrate a point for her office colleagues? Whether it’s a diaphragm, a pie chart, scaled-down models, a list of bullet-points, etc., who died and made Pelosi the Board Meeting Presentation Police? And what the hell does that have to do with birth control?! Geez, what a nimrod.

Cecile Richards, former member of Pelosi’s staff and daughter of the late Senator Ann Richards, made a fascinating point of her own following the decision: “Today, the Supreme Court ruled against American women and families, giving bosses the right to discriminate against women and deny their employees access to birth control coverage. This is a deeply disappointing and troubling ruling that will prevent some women, especially those working hourly-wage jobs and struggling to make ends meet, from getting birth control.”

To be fair, Ms. Richards makes a better argument than Pelosi (although making a worse argument would be a mathematical impossibility). While Hobby Lobby pays its employees far, far above minimum wage, there are plenty of female employees of other businesses who aren’t so fortunate. More importantly, it’s not like there are numerous clinics all over this country, even many that receive taxpayer funding, that offer cheap and sometimes free contraceptives, you know. In that regard it is difficult to argue with Richards, a current trustee for the Ford Foundation and president of PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

Of course, what would a juvenile laugh at liberal ladies’ expense be without NOW? For those of you who are (very fortunately) unfamiliar, I’m talking about the National Organization for Women, a group who I’m very disappointed rejected the runner-up name choice, Many Organized Broads. Here’s the latest from their president, Terry O’Neill: “We’re asking President Obama to issue an executive order ensuring that all federal contractors who provide a group insurance plan comply with the contraceptive mandate in the Affordable Care Act. We want the president to make crystal clear that the U.S. government will not do business with those who discriminate against women. Make no mistake — withholding basic health care like birth control from women is gender bigotry.”

It appears O’Neill failed in the “make no mistake” department, the moment she decided a guy who underpays his female employees was a nifty-keen choice to protect females from unequal treatment. (Hey, at least he gave both genders an equal screwing with Obamacare!) But assuming what she said was sincere and not just some dramatic political grandstanding (perish the thought), did this lady grow up with one of those little restaurant tappy bells by her bed, with a team of doctors on site ready to race to her side the millisecond they heard the “ping-ping-ping!”? Did she grow up at all?

Unless we’re in some parallel universe where mongooses marry cobras and premature deaths don’t turn mediocre musicians into virtuosos, you simply aren’t being denied basic health care when your boss isn’t buying you four out of twenty items that prevent pregnancy. Not that the masses are clamoring to, and I’m pretty sure I’m busy that night, but anyone thinking about treating Terry O’Neill to a nice dinner might want to start thinking different thoughts. If you’re reckless enough to pick a restaurant that only rates four out of five stars, or God forbid doesn’t serve her favorite dessert, she just might spend the rest of the weekend telling the world you starve women.

Speaking as a logical guy with a strong & independent wife, the whole mentality of the liberal fembrats is something I just can’t wrap my head around. (Maybe it’d be more pliable if I left it out in the sun for an hour.) It flies in the face of what feminists reasonably argued for decades, that they can also do those so-called “men’s jobs.” Now more and more of them are powerful CEO’s, top-flight professional athletes, rock bands that play loud and go platinum, world leaders, surgeons, black belts, and breadwinners. That’s not to say they can do everything men can, like play left tackle for the Packers or urinate on the side of the road without opening the car door, but the Neanderthal belief that women should never leave the house, except maybe to buy groceries and give birth, has been exiled from the mainstream.

Current feminists have started singing a different tune. Now suddenly they can’t “do anything we can do better,” if that anything happens to be getting the morning-after pill. Now the reason we “hear them roar” is they’re not getting four specific personal items for free, as if they’re not particularly “strong (strong)” or “invincible (invincible).” They might “bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan,” but they’re helpless to get an IUD if it’s not a gift from a man.

Are women strong, hardy individuals who deserve our respect, our admiration, and dare I say, our vote? Or are they delicate little petunias in need of coddling and condescension? Just once I’d like to see one brave soul look Richards, O’Neill, or one of the other fembrats right in the eyes and demand they pick one. Not Pelosi, though—that’d be just scary.

I’ll fantasize about that later. Right now I need to get to the pet shop before they close—the sale on fish bicycles ends today.

Author Bio:

Jeffrey Webb is just an average, blue-collar guy who likes to write stuff. He left his home state of Vermont for California with his family at age 7 and has regretted it ever since. A 24-year veteran of the home improvement industry, his hobbies include cooking, playing the drums, and verbally savaging annoying celebrities. He lives in San Diego with his extremely patient wife and two children.
  • brickman

    I see that you are still attracting all the attention that you deserve.:)

    • John Daly

      Did your parents not pay you enough attention as a child, brickman? Not everyone shares your insecurities, you know.

      • brickman

        I was willing to bet that you would be the only other person to answer. Is this how you generate traffic? He replies to you and you to him. I usually get more reponse in commenting than you two guys get writing lengthy articles.Let’s leave families out of this. I could say that your mother was paying plenty of attention to me last night, but it would be wrong to sink to your level.

        • John Daly

          >>Is this how you generate traffic? He replies to you and you to him.

          I replied to YOU, genius.

          >> I usually get more reponse in commenting than you two guys get writing lengthy articles.

          No you don’t.

          Brickman, You obsess over the strangest things, which makes me think you’re compensating for something missing from your own life. You must totally freak out whenever you don’t get enough “likes” on your Facebook posts, huh?

          Everyone gets who you are. You love liberals. You hate conservatives. You pretend to be a moderate. Why don’t you just write THAT instead taking all the dopey, personal swipes that make you look like an attention-starved child?

          • brickman

            I’m not on Facebook, genius.I don’t care about upvotes on posts either.I’m just teasing you and Webb about how little people value what you do for a living.Currently, Bernie has over 350 comments over an article on soccer. You and Webb are reaching nobody.

          • John Daly

            >>I’m not on Facebook, genius.

            Not enough friends, or are you worried about that whole self-affirmation thing?

            >>I’m just teasing you

            Teasing? Sure. Just like when you were teasing Bernie when you implied that he was culpable for murder? Such a kidder you are.

            >> about how little people value what you do for a living.

            Uh. Neither of us do this for a living, brickman. You really are a presumptive little fella, ain’t ya?

            >>Bernie has over 350 comments over an article on soccer.

            As well he should. He’s BERNIE GOLDBERG. It’s HIS website. Respected journalist for decades, Bestselling author, on television every week on the highest rated cable-news show. It’s his columns that go out on the e-newsletter. HE’s the reason that people come to this website. He’s the main attraction. We’re the under-card.

            >>You and Webb are reaching nobody.

            Oh boy.

            Brickman, let’s just take the three columns I wrote this month. You can obsess over the 90 comments between them for whatever silly reason, but the fact is that they’ve received 160 social media shares directly from the website, far more indirectly through social media accounts, and several THOUSANDS of page views. My work here has been retweeted and responded to by some of the biggest names in journalism and even a few well-known Hollywood celebrities. One piece even generated a phone call from a U.S. Senator last year.

            So you can pretend that nobody reads our stuff if it makes you feel better about yourself, but I see the stats and results, and I know just how ignorant that claim is.

            Now, go ahead and write yourself a blog column somewhere so I can comment on it and make you feel like the prettiest girl at the dance.

          • brickman

            Not one person gave enough of a damn to respond to this article.

          • John Daly

            Don’t be so hard on yourself, brickman. It’s okay to consider yourself a person… at least for the sake of this argument.

          • brickman

            I must have missed the part where I responded to what was in the article.

          • John Daly

            You rarely do.

          • brickman

            I am beginning to understand your point about page viewings. I had a stroke 2 months ago have have lost much of my ability to play guitar and mandolin due to decreased strength and quickness in my left hand. I am attempting to relearn 40 years of playing by playing in an altered tuning called DADGAD where one can make more use of open strings. I recently went on a DADGAD related website asking for song suggestions and mentioned 8 or 10 songs that I ‘be been playing. Three days later I went on the site to see if I had any feedback. The site said that I had 24 replies but 19,305 page viewings. I understand a bit more of your point.

          • John Daly

            I’m sorry to hear you had a stroke. I hope you’re getting along alright and rehabbing from it.

            My sister-in-law had a stroke in her thirties, and she can’t feel temperature in her left hand. Life-altering for sure.

            Hope you’re able to play those instruments again. Keep at it!

          • brickman

            Thanks for your kind words. I am getting better but it is frustrating not being able to play what I have been playing for 40 years. Fortunately I know a few tricks and can generate some music. I am thinking of learning to play the bowed psaltery , a Geman zither like instrument that is bowed with one hand and merely held with the other(although some players use bows in both hands).I had been planning to learn the violin anyway.

  • Steve Doochy

    Peeing on the side of the road without opening the car door?! What on earth are you thinking about Webb-Master?! Now if you don’t delete this you can actually believe that someone is actually paying attention to you!