You Know You’re a Liberal If…

A friend recently sent me a list defining the differences between Democrats and Republicans. Because so many people write to me, insisting that they can’t see any difference, I’ll print out my slightly revised version as a public service:

  1. If a Republican doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one; if a Democrat doesn’t like guns, he wants them outlawed.
  2. If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat; if a Democrat is a vegetarian, he expects the federal government to ban meat products, along with salt, sugar and chocolate.
  3. If a Republican is a homosexual, he quietly leads his life; if a Democrat is homosexual, he demands that marriage be turned into a free-for-all.
  4. If a Republican is poor, he thinks about how to best improve his situation; a Democrat demands a hand-out.
  5. If a Republican doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches stations; Democrats demand that he be tossed off the air.
  6. If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn’t attend church; an agnostic Democrat wants all references to God, Jesus and Christmas, to be banished from the land and will lie about the First Amendment to help him get his way.

In spite of believing all of that, I still doubt that any of the Republicans seeking the nomination will be able to carry through on their promise to eliminate the departments of Commerce, Education and Energy, and all the federal regulations that Chairman Obama has put into place. It’s not that I doubt their sincerity, but getting rid of regulations means getting rid of regulators. And I simply can’t picture a Republican president adding hundreds of thousands of unskilled, essentially unemployable, bureaucrats to the unemployment rolls.

The fact that liberals are so sheep-like in their opinions has led me to conclude that they’re not born like the rest of us, but merely cloned.

I have spent years trying to get inside the mind of a liberal. I can only explain my failure as an inability to blast through all the concrete. One of the few things I have managed to figure out is that they are not unaware that socialism hasn’t worked out too well in China, the Soviet Union, Cuba, Cambodia, North Korea, France, Greece or Nazi Germany, but they have somehow convinced themselves that the only problem with the alternative to capitalism is that it has never been done correctly. In that way, as in so many others, they’re exactly like those goofballs who assume they can use heroin and cocaine without becoming addicted.

The only reason, I’ve decided, that people can be so easily convinced that day is night, black is white, and up is down, is because it’s only very small lies that are transparent to everyone. To see through big lies, lies that are foisted on us by those who want to peddle us bad drugs and even worse ideas, is that you actually require the ability to think for yourself.

This being an election year, I hear a number of people claiming what they seek in a president or a senator is a statesman. I, for my part, think “statesman” is a euphemism that politicians concocted for themselves in the same way that garbage collectors decided they preferred being called waste managers.

I say, if you got your job by running for office and getting elected, thus avoiding having to prove you’re qualified to do anything genuinely useful, you’re a politician. What’s more, if you owe your job to a politician, you’re a bureaucrat.

The only time a politician should ever be referred to as a statesman is when he dies. After all, nobody expects sincerity in obituaries, and his family will probably appreciate the gesture.

Cyril Northcote Parkinson was an Englishman who gave his last name not to the dreadful disease, but to the Law that states that work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. It’s hard not to believe that he had the U.S. Congress in mind when he came up with that notion, but perhaps Parliament served equally well as his muse. Mr. Parkinson also observed that there’s nothing that an official loves more than multiplying his subordinates, which is why bureaucracies regularly rise by 5-7% annually, irrespective of the amount of work to be done, even in the midst of a financial meltdown.

C.N. Parkinson was also the fellow who pointed out that expenditures inevitably rise — and I would add, generally exceed — income. And that holds true for governments every bit as much as individuals.

Speaking of excess, we have an aristocracy in America, but instead of the dukes and lords Parkinson had to contend with, ours consists of actors, rock stars, professional athletes and people like Paris Hilton and the Kardashians, who seem to have glommed onto fame and fortune through the simple but mystifying process of drawing a number out of a cosmic hat.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky.Comments? Write!

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Author Bio:

Burt Prelutsky, a very nice person once you get to know him, has been a humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine. As a freelancer, he has written for the New York Times, Washington Times, TV Guide, Modern Maturity, Emmy, Holiday, American Film, and Sports Illustrated. For television, he has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn and Diagnosis Murder. In addition, he has written a batch of terrific TV movies. View Burt’s IMDB profile. Talk about being well-rounded, he plays tennis and poker... and rarely cheats at either. He lives in the San Fernando Valley, where he takes his marching orders from a wife named Yvonne and a dog named Angel.
Author website:
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  • Norm

    Can anyone verify whether Wil Burns is a direct decendant of M*A*S*H’s Frank Burns?

  • Abort Liberal Fetuses!

    Wil – Would you fight for a fetus knowing that it was republican?

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Mike Jackson: You’re watching reruns of “Dragnet” and “MASH”? Man, you just can’t get enough of me, can you?

    G. Daylan: What a boring writer! No wonder Machiavelli isn’t writing a column here.


    • Mike Jackson

      Yep, they’re on a couple days per week. Kind of fun to watch the old shows from time to time. No kevlar vests and a simpler era.

  • Mike Jackson

    Okay, here’s my amendment on your list. :)

    Republicans believe gun control is a tight shot group.

    Vegetarian and homosexual? Does anyone else notice the conundrum here? (sorry for the crass comment, but I could not resist.)

    When I’m broke, I work harder to resolve the issue without stepping on anyone else or expecting them to fix it for me. Similar to when my car needs work done. I look at the Haynes manual and determine whether fixing it myself or paying someone else to do it makes the most sense.

    Environment: I clean up after myself and those around me when necessary.

    Television: I cut the cable a couple years back and don’t mind antenna TV. I still have more channels now than I did when cable first came out and those old Dragnet, Mash, Adam-12, and other re-runs are generally better than what’s on now. Exceptions given for NCIS, CSI, Stargate, Without a Trace, Flashpoint (Sort of Toronto PD on steroids), and a few others.

    The downside to cutting the cable is that my reception varies with where people stand in the room. If you remember those days. . . . Let’s not go there. :)

    Radio: If I don’t like it, I change the station. That takes a LOT less energy than calling and complaining. As an added bonus, the reward is immediate.

  • DOOM161

    Those are all social differences.

    The political difference is this:

    Democrats want democrats in charge of the big, overreaching government, whereas republicans want republicans in charge of the big, overreachign government. There are some exceptions in each party.

  • G. Daylan

    It would be well to be considered liberal; nevertheless liberality such as the world understands it will injure you, because if used virtuously and in the proper way, it will not be known, and you will incur the disgrace of the contrary vice. But one who wishes to obtain the reputation of liberality among men, must not omit every kind of sumptuous display, and to such an extent that a prince of this character will consume by such means all his resources, and will be at last compelled, if he wishes to maintain his name for liberality, to impose heavy taxes on his people, become extortionate, and do everything possible to obtain money. This will make his subjects begin to hate him.- Niccoló Machiavelli

  • cmacrider

    Burt & Glen:
    Burt’s article and Glen’s response to “Mr. Burns” have captured the essence of the problem in the present political climate.
    “Mr.Burns” has a world view which has been formulated for his faithful regurgitation … and anyone who disagrees with this world view is stupid, racist, and intolerant.

    In contrast Burt & Glen attempt to assimilate data and come to a rational or reasonable conclusion ever bearing in mind that other people may have a different perspective on things. They then stretch the bounds by admitting that they are not personally omniscient and allow room for other world views to exist. This “American way” is very threatening to “Mr. Burns” since it could lead to the exercise of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness …. and we all know this has not worked well for the United States over the past 200 years and requires “fundamental change.”

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Glen: You are a true gentleman.

    Wil: You’re a moron.


    • Mike Jackson

      Ditto! lol

    • Abort Leberal Fetuses!

      Burt – Why are you insulting the morons?

  • Wil Burns

    The Five Basic Republican Values:


    1) Hating Liberals!!

    2) Caring about little other than themselves and their wallets.

    3) Demeaning minorities, immigrants and foreigners.

    4) Promoting the discrimination against homosexuals.

    5) Promoting the proliferation of handguns and assault rifles.

    • Glen Stambaugh

      Wil, I won’t try to speak for anyone but myself and generalize as you have:

      1) Love liberals, would never vote for one.
      2) Like myself and my wallet too, but those aren’t my priorities.
      3) Love minorities (married one) and don’t care where you’re from apart from legal concerns.
      4) Homosexuals are free to do as they please so long as they respect my right to same.
      5) I’m indifferent about guns, but glad their legal in case I or others that matter (see your list) need to defend themselves.
      6) God bless you.

  • Burt Prelutsky

    Thank you, Glen. Happy Valentine’s Day.

    Regards, Burt

  • Glen Stambaugh

    Burt, You nailed it with your list. As a republican vegetarian, I laughed out loud. So true!