According to a recent Gallup poll, most Americans want Saddam Hussein tried in an International Court, but 24% say a U.S. military court should decide his fate. This, of course, would be a disaster, because America’s legal system is so screwed up, Saddam might wind up a winner. Here’s what could possibly happen.
The Ninth Circuit Federal Court of Appeals in San Francisco, a legal body modeled on the philosophy of Che Guevara and the most overturned federal court in U.S. history, might well rule the military court unconstitutional because as we all know, military people have strict rules of behavior and make judgments. The Ninth would never abide that.
Immediately after the Ninth ruled, Saddam would find himself in civilian criminal court and would hire Mark Geragos and Johnnie Cochran to represent him.
Geragos would book himself on the Larry King program and declare that Saddam was not responsible for the mass murderers in Iraq… devil worshipers were. Geragos would convince Larry that the devil people infiltrated Saddam’s inner circle without his knowledge. Only Saddam’s sons knew about the insidious activities. Too bad they’re dead.
At the same time, Cochran would be asserting that U.S. forces actually planted the tens of thousands of bodies that were dug up in mass graves. Yes, that would have been difficult, Cochran would tell the E Entertainment Network, but if the Los Angeles police department could plant evidence on every single criminal case it had ever investigated, then surely the American Armed Forces could transport one hundred thousand dead bodies into Iraq.
E! would also report that Cochran had evidence Colombian drug dealers actually held Saddam hostage and ordered him to invade Kuwait.
In the preliminary hearing, Geragos would demand Saddam be let out of prison and housed at the Neverland ranch so he, Geragos, could do the needed leg work on the Michael Jackson case and Saddam’s situation at the same time. Geragos would also file a motion to suppress everything Saddam has ever said in his entire life.
Meantime, Cochran would raise the race issue. He’d produce an American corporal who had uttered anti-Arab remarks while taking machine gun fire in a foxhole. Using that evidence, Cochran could then weave a brilliant line of logic: If Americans were so hateful towards Saddam’s forces, why wouldn’t they develop hideous weapons and violate international law? Anyone would, it was absolutely a matter of self defense.
Cochran would then have Saddam try on all his old uniforms and they would not fit. Obviously, then, this man isn’t really Saddam after all. He’s Scott Petersen.
Geragos would then jump in quickly. If Scott Peterson were in Baghdad all these years, he couldn’t possibly have killed his wife Lacy and their unborn child. Different devil worshipers did that. And Geragos would convince Larry King that those people worked at Fox News. Al Franken would back him up.
In the end, Saddam Hussein would be acquitted by a jury which found reasonable doubt indeed. No weapons of mass destruction. Planted bodies all over the place. Devil people running wild. No wonder things went wrong in Iraq. But you can’t blame Saddam.
The delighted dictator would then move to Florida and buy a nifty home near O.J., because the Sunshine State will let you keep your assets no matter how many people you kill and torture.
A few months later, Saddam would appear on Dateline and proclaim that he would spend the rest of his days trying to track down the real culprits in Iraq. He would also file suit for millions, claiming Michael Jackson had molested him at Neverland.
American justice. There’s none better.