Be it Resolved
Every new year, columnists suggest resolutions to powerful and famous people who promptly ignore them. Nevertheless, I am going to do this knowing full well that my effort might go unappreciated. So what else is new?
I fully realize that it is presumptuous of me to tell others how to conduct themselves in the public arena. But I do this with America’s welfare in mind. So here we go.
President Trump might resolve to avoid consigning deceased people to hell. There just doesn’t seem to be much upside to doing this. Purgatory, okay, but Hades is a bit extreme.
Nancy Pelosi should resist scolding reporters who ask if she hates Donald Trump. Even though she says she is praying for the President, it sure looks like she despises every fiber of his being. She hasn’t consigned him to hell yet, but she once suggested that he visit San Francisco, which is pretty much the same thing these days.
Adam Schiff might consider a resolution not to meet with federal “whistleblowers” until the whistle is actually blown. Advance coaching in whistle land smacks of corruption, Mr. Schiff. Are you not aware of that?
Mitch McConnell should resolve to hold a fair impeachment trial providing it does not run longer than 90 minutes. Enough time for Senator Lindsay Graham to call the proceedings a sham, and Senator Chuck Schumer to bring in a medium to contact President Andrew Johnson, who may be spending eternity in San Francisco.
Joe Biden has many resolutions from which to choose. One would be not to say the words “in fact” twenty times in every paragraph. Another might be to put Hunter up for adoption.
Bernie Sanders should resolve not to say the word “billionaire” in 2020. But then Bernie would have very little to shout about in his speeches. Maybe he could replace billionaire with “Bloomberg.” Same thing.
Elizabeth Warren might resolve to cut back on her “plans” because they are far too complicated. A fun resolution would be for her to endorse making the crime of home invasion legal. That way, people could take stuff from other people without the government’s help. Which would cut down on the bureaucracy.
Vice President Pence should take a hard look at resolving to say just one thing in 2020 that Americans will actually remember.
Mayor Pete knows what his resolution must be. No more wine in caves. Far too dangerous with all those bats in there. And for some reason Elizabeth Warren is put off with this wine-cave scenario. Whiskey is okay.
Rudy Giuliani also knows his resolution. No more Ukraine. Even though the beaches are fabulous. Wait. Putin has seized the beaches. Doesn’t matter. Ukraine should never see the mayor again under any circumstances.
James Comey needs to resolve not to do anything in 2020. Self-induced coma. Tubes for nutrition. Nothing and Comey should bond. For the good of us all.
Finally, the corrupt media should collectively resolve to keep on keepin’ on. Why not? As long as Trump is president why bother gathering legitimate information that shows the big picture both good and bad? Why run with that when it is much easier and far more enjoyable just to hate Trump. It’s a gas, gas, gas, as the Stones once sang. Of course, the press has an election to cover this upcoming year and it will root, root, root, for the home team – the democrats! Yay. Be it resolved! The dems must win in 2020 or the media will be humiliated once again.
And so it goes, with thanks to Linda Ellerbee for coining that phrase.
Happy New Year!
Unless Trump wins.