New Year’s Predictions — What to Look for in 2021

Hi everyone, and Happy New Year!

I typically write my annual New Year’s Predictions piece just as the old year’s winding to an end, but frankly my creative efforts have been directed elsewhere over the past several weeks. I’ve been working hard on finishing up my next Sean Coleman Thriller, and was aiming for a first-draft completion date of January 1st.

Well, I didn’t quite make it (which I realize doesn’t bode well for my predicative talents), instead choosing to spend more quality time with my family over the Christmas break. Still, I’m pretty darned close, I’m very happy with how it’s shaping up, and I’m confident that fans of the series will enjoy it.

But you’re not here to listen to me carry on about literary stuff. Let’s get to this brand spankin’ new year we’ve just entered, and some predictions of things to watch for.

The Power of the Private Sector

On February 1st, less than two weeks after leaving the White House under protest and continued refusals to concede the election, Donald J. Trump will appear live on Hannity to announce the release of a new TRUMP brand COVID-19 vaccine.

TrumpVac™, according to the former president, will be at least five times more effective than the vaccines produced by Pfizer, Moderna and AstraZeneca… combined! And unlike the others, TrumpVac will have received personal approval by Dr. Scott Atlas, Dr. Seb Gorka, and Mike Lindell (founder and CEO of My Pillow).

Trump will change his tone sharply on the other vaccines, which he had boldly taken credit for over the remaining weeks of his presidency, suddenly describing them as “very weak Fauci garbage.” TrumpVac™, according to Trump, will not require multiple injections or even one. It will instead be sold in the form of a carbonated beverage (in multiple tropical flavors), allowing consumers to self-administer and even serve the vaccine at MAGA parties.

A six-pack of TrumpVac, marketed as having a pinch of Vitamin D and a dash of hydroxychloroquine, will retail online for a special, non-refundable price of $45.47 (commemorating Trump’s tenure as the 45th and presumptive 47th President of the United States).

Ads for TrumpVac will begin airing during Fox News prime-time, with product placement incorporated into FNC’s weekend shows, including Watters’ World, The Greg Gutfeld Show, and Life, Liberty & Levin.

Worth a Thousand Words

Shortly after being sworn in as president, Joe Biden will draw even deeper contrasts between himself and his predecessor by staying off of social media entirely. He also won’t do any public appearances, including network interviews, press conferences, and meetings with members of congress.

In fact, the only visual sightings of Biden at all will be through a window at the White House, where he’ll be spending hours at a time gazing sadly and silently at the outside world, effectively reproducing one of 2014’s most popular political meme images:

By late April, media outlets will have grown increasingly frustrated over having no access to the president beyond video and photographs of him at the window.

“What is he even doing there?” will be a frequent question asked by members of the White House press corps.

“Thinking, dammit,” will remain Press Secretary Jen Psaki’s default answer, with the explanation being generally accepted by CNN and MSNBC prime-time hosts.

In early May, however, undercover journalist James O’Keefe will air hidden-camera video of a candid conversation he had, while inexplicably dressed like a Ronald McDonald, with an unnamed janitor working at the Washington D.C. branch of Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum.

In the video, the janitor will reveal that the museum’s Joe Biden waxwork (sculpted during the Obama administration) had gone missing during a COVID-19 lockdown back in December, and was presumed stolen.

Days later, amidst growing controversy, President Biden will unexpectedly appear at a White House daily briefing. Confidentially taking the podium, Biden will announce his intent to “run for president in 2008.”

Staffers will quickly usher him off stage, and Vice President Harris will take over presidential speaking engagements for the remainder of the year.

Stream the Leg

With the continued success of Cobra Kai” on Netflix, Hollywood production companies will recognize a growing viewer demand for self-parodying television adaptations of popular 80’s films. In mid-May, streaming platforms will begin to announce multiple new series from the genre.

CBS All Access will revisit the 1985 crime drama, “Witness” with a ten-episode series titled “Be Careful Among Them English.” Lukas Haas will reprise the role of Samuel Lapp.

Synopsis: Having left the Amish community following traumatic events from his childhood, the now middle-aged Samuel works as a DC lobbyist. After witnessing the cartel murder of a U.S. senator, he fears for his life and seeks the help of the only person he can trust: retired police detective and late-80’s Amish convert, John Book (played by a CGI version of Harrison Ford, since the real Ford’s asking price will be too high).

“Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” from Amazon Prime Video will feature the return pairing of Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall for a four-episode follow-up miniseries to the 1987 film, “Mannequin.” Though the series will receive mostly negative reviews, and not find much of an online audience, the production company will take comfort in minimal special-effects costs keeping the film significantly under budget, thanks to Cattrall already being mostly comprised of plastic.

Not to be outdone, Apple TV+ will run eight episodes of “Screw Science,” a follow-up to the 1985 comedy, “Weird Science.” The series will catch up with Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith), now in their 50s and having long since lost their boyish charm.

Synopsis: Having discovered in their teens that it was significantly harder to pursue meaningful relationships with women than simply creating super-model virtual girlfriends using a Barbie doll, 80s-era computer software, and an acoustic coupler modem, the two are both still single. Kelly LeBrock will return as Lisa, their first technological creation, to maternally nag Gary and Wyatt into finally settling down.

O Captain! My Captain!

With John McCain having passed away in 2018, and Donald Trump leaving the White House in January, Senator Lindsey Graham will begin a tireless search for a new Republican alpha-dog in DC for whom to play the weird, obligatory role of sycophantic second-fiddle. After hearing from Mitch McConnell, John Thune, and other prominent GOP leaders that they’re not interested, Graham will ultimately center in on freshman Missouri Senator, Josh Hawley.

Graham will firmly adopt Hawley’s big-government, populous positions including increased economic stimuli, heavier Internet regulation, and a refusal to recognize free and fair election results. He’ll also appear (nodding in agreement) at all of Hawley’s public addresses. On cable news, Graham will never miss an opportunity to sing Hawley’s praises, while emphasizing the importance of reining in Instabook, Snapgram, and Facechat.

Graham will eventually re-style and color his hair to more closely resemble Hawley’s, and also do that weird thing with his lips.

I’m going to go ahead and leave it that, since I’m predicting my wife will soon grow pretty annoyed with me if I spend any more of our holiday break on this silly column. Again, I hope you all have a happy and healthy new year.

Take care!

 


Note from John: I’ve been writing a weekly non-political newsletter since October, covering topics like art, music, humor, travel, society and culture. I’ve been surprised by, and thankful for, how many people have been signing up for it. If it sounds interesting to you, I’d love for you to subscribe (it’s free).

Order John A. Daly’s novel “Safeguard” today!




Does Either Side Know What “Defund” Means?

Last month, when calls to “defund the police” were popularized by the “Black Lives Matter” movement, politicians and pundits on both sides of the aisle quickly understood just how controversial and consequential of an idea it was.

After all, the common understanding of “defund” can be echoed by simply Googling the word: “prevent from continuing to receive funds.”

Even in the wake of George Floyd’s murder, and the identification (and public condemnation) of serious race-related problems within a number of police forces, it’s difficult to think of a more societally irresponsible and politically suicidal measure than removing all police funding. Such a move would effectively end law enforcement as we know it, and just about everyone understands that to be a colossally bad idea.

So, people on the political right understandably (and fairly) jumped on the slogan and exploited it (along with some empathy expressed for the sentiment by liberal leaders) as a testament to just how radical the left has become. In turn, people on the political left worked diligently (and comically) to redefine the very meaning of the word “defund.”

The clean-up effort was pretty exhaustive. In fact, if you go back on over to Google (I swear I’m not a company stockholder) and search on the phrase “defund the police,” you’ll find a seemingly endless list of columns by left-leaning writers explaining what those calling for the action “really” mean.

The liberal-commentary consensus: “defund the police” represents a less crazy directive: redirecting a portion of police budgets to social programs not directly tied to law enforcement, but rather poverty, mental illness, homelessness, etc.

Of course, that’s not the proper usage of “defund,” as righties continued to point out while mocking the left’s tap-dancing on the issue.

More prominent Democratic leaders have steered clear of the rhetorical contortionism on this matter. Presidential candidate Joe Biden has stated outright that he doesn’t want to “defund” the police, but work toward reform. Bernie Sanders has surprisingly taken a similar stance.

Yet, on Fox News last Sunday, President Trump insisted to Chris Wallace that Biden does indeed support defunding and even abolishing the police. When Wallace pushed back against the assertion, Trump cited a “charter” Biden had put together with Bernie Sanders. The president was referring to a document on Biden’s campaign website titled “Biden-Sanders Unity Task Force Recommendations.” In dramatic fashion, he even called for an aide to hand him a copy of it, which he then thumbed through.

There was just one problem: nothing in the 100+ page document supported Trump’s assertion. It was an embarrassing moment for the president, who couldn’t uphold the words that had just left his mouth. Perhaps more damaging was that his team had been running campaign ads promoting the narrative.

Trump and Wallace moved on, but quite a few pro-Trump folks in the media didn’t, electing instead to try and save their guy some face by suddenly adopting the left’s alternate, previously ridiculed definition of “defund.”

Here’s Charlie Kirk from Turning Point USA, citing a recent Biden interview:

And here’s Byron York from the Washington Examiner:

“In interviews with liberal activists, Biden has presented a much more nuanced position on defunding the police, suggesting he supports redirecting police funding toward other purposes, like mental health counseling and affordable housing. Such redirection would be, in fact, defunding police.

They (and many others) are mostly right about what Biden has been saying in recent interviews. The presumptive Democratic nominee has indeed entertained the idea of redirecting some police funding to social programs. I emphasize the word “some” because York forgot to include it in his framing of the argument.

So now, the right-wing media and left-wing media seem to have found bipartisan agreement that “defund” actually means the redirection of a portion of funds. In other words, they’ve finally discovered an issue on which they agree.

Celebrate good times, come on!

But now I’m even more confused. Because if that’s what “defund” means, didn’t President Trump defund the U.S. military when he directed some of their funding to the construction of the border wall?

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I find it kind of horrifying (in these linguistically challenging times) that the 2020 presidential election is now a “binary choice” between defunding the police and defunding the military.

And by horrifying, I mean, “causing horror; extremely shocking,” not whatever dopey, intellectually flexible definition the political class decides to come up with.

Order John A. Daly’s novel “Safeguard” today!




Bernie’s Q&A: NYT vs. Tom Cotton, Joe Biden, Chris Cuomo, and more! (6/12) — Premium Interactive ($4 members)

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Now, let’s get to your questions (and my answers):


I am stunned by Joe Biden saying between 10 and 15 percent of the people in America are not very good. That equates to about 35M to 52M people. Will a statement like that help in bringing people together? Or would it contribute to the opposite? — Ray K.

Biden’s comment may bring back memories of Hillary’s basket of deplorables, which didn’t do her a lot of good. But let me ask you a question Ray: What percentage of Americans do you think are bad people? My problem with Biden’s comment wasn’t that he was totally wrong — there is some percentage that are bad. My problem is that I suspect the entire group he targeted were Americans who support Donald Trump. Are they really the only bad ones in this country? What about the looters? Do they count in Joe’s calculation? What about young men who shoot and kill other young men in places like Chicago and Baltimore. Are they bad people in Joe’s world?

If there are so many false narratives out there, and misreported and misinterpreted facts, such as the statistics behind unarmed black deaths vs all other police related deaths and then silence when there is black on black death & cop killings; who then is failing the country by not providing the truth required to quell these false narratives and subsequent consequences?

Both the current rioting and the Covid situation have significantly damaged this country and innocent lives based on a lot of misinformation. Who is really failing us? — ScottyG

Good question, Scotty. The media are failing us. Their agenda doesn’t included real statistics about rogue cops killing unarmed black men. That percentage is very small. But you’d never

 

know that by watching CNN or MSNBC. Journalists also fail us when they interview activists who say things that are provably wrong, but the reporter just sits there like a potted plant and doesn’t challenge the false information. Politicians are also failing us. They just say what will help them win re-election. Not many are speaking truth to power. Activists want to defund or flat out eliminate police departments. Cowardly politicians say good idea. I’ve had enough! All of this has me searching for mindless television at night. I can’t take the BS anymore.

Seems to me that if Trump wins in November we will have more violence and riots in the big cities (possibly even before the election too as a warning to scare people). If Biden wins, do you see the Dems being magnanimous or viewing the results as a mandate to go further left. If police forces in blue areas are emasculated what happens to enclaves like Beverly Hills etc ? — Michael F.

If Biden wins he will cave to the hard left. He doesn’t strike me as a strong guy with real convictions. If Trump wins you may very well be right about more violence and riots. The left is on a new kick to defund the police. But as you rightly ask, what happens when the thugs go after homes in Beverly Hills? What happens, Michael, is that the same lefties who don’t like cops, will demand police protection.

From one day to the next, you have to ask yourself, “what the ****.” We have had over a week of rioting and looting,with perhaps more to come, and what do we hear out of the Progressive Left: defund the police, some calling for doing away with police all together, leave policing to community groups. Yeah that’ll work! And how about those who have said the burning and looting might be just what was needed?!! The AG of Massachusetts actually said a good burn might be the purge this country needed. When leading law enforcement officials are saying things like that, I mean, are you kidding me? And finally, all that said, you have to wonder who would want to be a cop these days? Mediocre pay, treated like dirt. Can you imagine how the NYPD felt knowing that all the people they arrested for looting and vandalism would be right back out on the streets within 24 hours thanks to NY’s “bail reform laws”….book em and release em, no bail involved. Every time I think Trump is doomed and can’t win in November [much of it of his own doing ] when I hear things like this it gives me hope that the average Joe&Jane would not at all be happy with the the way the Dem’s have moved further to the left with their policies. Less police, no police, seriously.???? — John M.

Let me address your last point, John — about the average Joe and Jane out there. I’ve wondered if there is a new Silent Majority out there. I honestly don’t know. If there is, it will help Trump. But if we’ve moved left as a country, if more and more Americans think the country is fundamentally racist and so excuse rioting, say hello to President Biden. To me, this is the big political question of the moment: Does the Silent Majority exist in America today?

The police are always in the news. There are lots of good cops and a few bad cops. I’m a white guy – sort of – Italian, and I’ve been all over the world, many times, for work and pleasure … to the EU, all over Asia, Mexico, and the rest of the third world … and stopped by the police numerous times for numerous reasons. I smile. I ask questions in a respectful way. I have nothing to hide. I live through it. My advice to anyone of any color … if the police ask you to do something … do it, respectfully. If they say, “Stop!”, then stop. If you don’t, then all bets are off (serious implications). If the “request” is not appropriate, there are scores of ways to complain, however, “Just do it”. My two cents. — Mike S.

My feelings precisely, Mike.

A few quick points/queries: how long before God Bless America and The Pledge of Allegiance will effectively be banned? If The Democrats could rewrite the Constitution, what would they add or eliminate? Or does it not matter so long as you have the “right” judges? Will Keith Ellison try the Minn. cops just before the Nov elections? Finally, have the past 10 days proven that violence works and the threat of violence (or the occasional “boisterous protest” ( gotta be PC) ) can be used from time to time to keep issues alive and keep certain groups more engaged? — Michael

Regarding your first question … if the left takes control of this country, there’s a good chance they will impose speech codes. They are the biggest single threat to freedom of speech. Will they ban God Bless America or the Pledge of Allegiance. Let’s just say they sure as hell won’t encourage either.

Violence, I’m afraid, does work … in that it gets the attention of the media and politicians. But not in a good way. They give lip service to saying rioting is bad, but their emphasis is on the conditions that supposedly led to rioting and looting. You’ll never hear any liberal journalist state what to me is obvious: Some people just plain like breaking windows and stealing stuff. They’re not doing it because they’re oppressed. They’re doing it because they like sneakers and Rolex watches — especially when they’re “free.”

Quick question on journalistic ethics (since I honestly don’t know the answer): Let’s say you’re asking someone questions for a story, and the person is giving you all kinds of newsworthy information. Then, the person suddenly says, “That’s all off the record, by the way.” From a journalist’s perspective, is it really off the record, or does that person need to tell you beforehand that it’s off the record? Thanks! — Tom R.

The person must tell you beforehand that what he or she said is off the record. Otherwise it’s not. That said, I’m sure it doesn’t always work that way. If the source has given the journalist good information in the past, it’s not likely the journalist will risk losing the source over a failure to say, “This conversation is off the record.” Also if the source says something that might hurt a cause the journalist agrees with — that too might lead to keeping the conversation off the record. But as a general practice: The ground rules have to be established before the interview starts.

I find the article you wrote on Monday, at this time, a distraction. To me it is just like when white people throw the Black on black crime card up. Yes there are problems in the back community. But why does no one ever talk about white on white crime? People kill and harm people in their own communities. Let see the numbers across the board. I am sure you will see they are all within a few percentage points. My other problem is that your article and many people ignore the steps that are taken locally in Chicago to curb this trend. It may not be perfect. But to imply that nothing is being done, or that the communities don’t care, is wrong. But if you are not in the community, how would you know? And don’t get me started on systematic policies that have broken up the black family. Why cant we give the current movement time to breathe. Pun intended. — Douglas S.

Hey Douglas … my point is that elite white liberals — in order to show their good racial manners — will lament white on black crime but virtually ignore black on black crime. And it makes me wonder: Don’t those lives matter … or is homicide only an issue when the victim is black and the perpetrator is white?

Isn’t the sad fact that the leading cause of death among young black men is homicide a legitimate topic to write about — at this time or any time?

I defer on these matters to Shelby Steele who has written extensively and eloquently about white liberal guilt. He’s far more blunt than I’ve been. He’s black.

I wasn’t saying that nothing is being done. My complaint is with elite white liberals — not people in the community trying to do good. I never said those communities don’t care. So your point that I’m not in the community isn’t relevant.

I hate what that white cop did to George Floyd. But I also hate the mayhem that has become all too routine in parts of Chicago. And as a journalist, I lament the fact that 85 shootings in one weekend and more than 20 deaths isn’t big news. Re-read what Lee Habeeb says about that. Thanks, Douglas — and feel free to let me know what you think of my Off the Cuff this week on the subject of “systemic racism”.

What are the facts and your opinion on what just happened at the New York Times? I’m referring to James Bennett’s resignation as its editorial page editor. And what about the publisher, Sulzberger – does he have blood on his hands as the woke are eating their own? — Steve R.

What happened at the NY Times is this: The children at the newspaper of record threw a temper tantrum because the read an op-ed they didn’t agree with … and the so-called grownups, instead of telling these snowflakes to grow up, caved … and agreed that the Times had made a terrible mistake. And Bennett resigned or was forced out. This is what’s been happening on college campuses for a while now. The liberal authoritarians are on a roll. Kind of like the French Reign of Terror without the guillotines — yet.

Dear Bernie, CNN’s Chris Cuomo was “unknowingly” caught in the background of his wife’s online Yoga video… naked. Him, not her. Given Cuomo’s high opinion of himself and the shape he’s in, along with his flare for Reality TV-style broadcasting (like that staged “emerging from the basement after covid” silliness), what do you think the chances are that this incident was not “accidental” at all, and that it was a publicity stunt for his show? — Bruce A.

I have absolutely no idea. But that’s not to say you’re not onto something, Bruce.

“Time Magazine Person of the Year?” … Wait for it … The Hypocrite. Potus and family, many members of Congress, lots of evangelicals, priests, pastors, reporters, political commentators, CEO’s, Hollywood persona … and I, are all hypocrites. I feel I am an environmentalist. I’m a vegetarian. I live part-time in a spectacularly beautiful part of the world, off the grid – in East Maui, near Hana. On my property, I watch over at least 2000 mature trees in this lush rainforest. I used to feel slightly superior to most of you. I’m not. Far from it. My wife works for a major airline. We fly for free. I fly all over the place, burning up the atmosphere that my trees help produce, as we go. I have more than one home, and more than one car, and not a Tesla to be found. I am in a serious dilemma. You, Bernie, might be one of the few true non-hypocrites out there … or is it, I dare say, unanimous? — Aloha, Mike

You may be a hypocrite, Mike, but life seems pretty damn good. But if you’re troubled by your supposed hypocrisy … here’s a suggestion: Go off to a monastery for a few months; take your wife with you … and leave the house keys under the doormat for my wife and me. Your place sounds pretty nice. Deal?

Your Wednesday Off the Cuff was your best to date. I would like for your thoughts to make it to the minds of most of the people in the USA. How can we help make that happen? — Ival S.

Thanks very much Ival.  But be assured, as a friend of mine put it, there’s a better chance that they’ll join the KKK then go along with my idea.  Put the word out anyplace you can about this website.  The more people who listen and read my commentary, the greater the chance that some of these ideas will catch on. Word of mouth is a powerful force.

I’m hearing that much of the violence and rioting and looting had the hooligans picking up devices that were planted alongside the roads so that rioters could easily use these devices to break into stores and cause damage. I’m also hearing that “white supremacists” have infiltrated the peaceful protesters and deliberately caused mayhem and destruction to denigrate the cause. Is there any evidence that white supremacist groups have been doing this? Or is this a left-wing talking point being used to deflect focus away from anarchist groups such as ANTIFA, whom I believe that left wingers support? Thankfully I can say this (and what I wrote last week) here because the woke crowd has apparently taken over TWITTER. Your thoughts? — “It was our ENEMIES who did it, NOT our ALLIES” Regards From The Emperor

Hello Your Emperorness.  Let me start with your question about weapons planted alongside the road.  Every time I hear that on TV, I become suspicious.  If the reporter knows this, and others presumably know this, where’s the video?  Why aren’t you showing it to your audience?  I’m guessing it’s because it’s a phony story.  Someone heard it and it soon took on a life of its own.  I’ll believe it when I see it.

As for white supremacists infiltrating peaceful demonstrations:  I’m not buying that either.  I think left wing pols and activists planted the story to put blame supposed Trump supporters for the mayhem.

Once upon a time we had editors/producers who checked scripts to make sure the reporter got his or her facts right before putting stories on the air.  Those were the good old days.

 


Thanks, everyone! You can send me questions for next week using the form below! You can also read previous Q&A sessions by clicking here.




Breaking: Bernie Goldberg Joins Trump Admin as “Fake News Czar”

President Trump with newly named Fake News Czar, Bernie Goldberg.

President Trump with newly named Fake News Czar, Bernie Goldberg.

FOR IMMEDIATE PUBLICATION: Former CBS News correspondent and Fox News media analyst, Bernie Goldberg, has accepted the newly created White House position of Fake News Czar.

Goldberg’s new job will see him holding weekly “Fake News” meetings, on behalf of the Trump White House, with select members of the mainstream media. The stated purpose: dealing with “Fake News lies“ and “making the media great again.”

“I love this guy, Goldberg,” President Trump told reporters this morning, just before stepping aboard Marine One. “He’s like an iceberg, not a Goldberg. That’s what I call him, ‘Bernie Iceberg.’ Because he’s the iceberg and the fake news media is the Titanic. And we all know what happened when the Titanic hit that iceberg. Did you see that movie? Nobody really knew what happened to the Titanic until that movie came out. Very sad.”

Despite Goldberg’s vocal criticisms of bias in the mainstream media for over 20 years (which include multiple bestselling books on the topic), his hire by the White House will assuredly surprise many.

Goldberg has been a frequent critic of President Trump’s personal conduct and his broad “Fake News” attacks on the national media. In fact, many speculate that such critiques were behind the Fox News Channel sidelining Goldberg for nearly a year, until his contract as a network contributor expired.

The president hasn’t always been a fan of Goldberg’s either. Prior to today, Trump’s last public statement on Goldberg came from a tweet in late 2015, in which Trump wrote that Goldberg (a winner of 14 Emmys and 3 duPont awards), “just doesn’t know about winning!”

Goldberg shed some light on his unlikely partnership with the White House in an early-morning conference call with reporters.

“To be honest, I’m just getting sick and tired of people on social media confusing me with Bernie Sanders,” said Goldberg. “I figured that if I actually work for the Trump administration, on the opposite side of the political aisle from Sanders, people may eventually figure out that not all white-haired Jewish guys named Bernie are the same person.”

Not everyone is convinced that Goldberg’s motivations are quite so innocent. According to Twitter handle “@NotRussianBot_2343225800231,” Goldberg is “a dAm #NeverTrump LIBTARD” and “deeeep state SPY!” who’s intent on “UNsitting our duly elexted POTUS!!!”

“Not so,” says Goldberg, who insists that it really is all about the Sanders thing. “Put yourself in my position. I lean conservative on most everything. I believe in capitalism. I comb my hair, for God’s sake! I’ve been in front of the cameras for years and years, exposing media bias, and criticizing liberals and socialism. But just because I have white hair, my name is Bernie, and I sometimes say critical things about our president, people suddenly think I’m that crazy socialist guy who keeps running for president on a platform of giving everything away for free. It’s annoying! I mean, what would you do?”

According to a well-placed White House source (speaking under the condition of anonymity), Goldberg’s responsibilities during his weekly “Fake News” meetings with the press will include (but are not limited to):

  • rolling his eyes and saying, “You should be ashamed of yourself” in response to legitimate questions from reporters
  • discounting all negative economic numbers as a “media hoax”
  • making jokes about George Stephanopoulos’s height
  • staging substance-abuse interventions with CNN’s Brian Stelter, in hopes of breaking him of his Fox News addiction
  • proposing print-copies of the New York Times and Washington Post as viable alternatives for everyday Americans in dealing with the national toilet paper shortage
  • shouting “Fake News” and “you’re not the story” while firmly pressing his finger into the chest of White House correspondent, Jim Acosta, until Acosta is brought to tears.

Update: In light of the global pandemic and the White House’s temporary media rules on social distancing, Goldberg has confirmed that he’ll be using a broomstick to poke Jim Acosta.

More on this developing story as it comes in…




Off the Cuff: When I Interviewed George Carlin…

A couple decades ago, I interviewed comedic legend, George Carlin. The two of us hit it off…but not without some awkwardness. That’s the topic of today’s Off the Cuff audio commentary.

You can listen to it by clicking on the play (arrow) button below.

 

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