Just as I’ve done with every year before it, I’m making 2015 absolutely resolution-free. After all, any schmuck capable of holding a pencil eraser side-up can make a list of things to improve about himself, but it’s only society’s supremely-talented gems like yours truly who can maintain a consistent level of sub-mediocrity. It ain’t stopping me from assigning a slew of New Year’s Resolutions to some of America’s upper-crusties, however:
The First Couple will look up the definition of “racist” in a dictionary (“Not a person who assumes you’re capable of parking a car or reaching a high shelf”), then spend sixteen hours loudly chanting “THERE ISN’T A PERSON OF ANY COLOR IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND WHO HAS LED A MORE CHARMED LIFE THAN WE HAVE,” and then memorize a compilation of actual bigotry from the likes of Harry Reid, Spike Lee, Robert Byrd, Sonya Sotomayor, Joe Biden, Bill Maher, Bill Clinton, Eric Holder, Jeremiah Wright, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and Barbara Boxer.
Lois Lerner will go to a plastic surgeon to have that God-awful face removed from the front of her head, and refer Debbie Wasserman Schulz.
Jonathan Gruber will return millions of tax dollars to assorted American governments, his bachelor’s degree to M.I.T., and his PhD to Harvard University.
Kathleen Sebelius will dump most of her net worth into a massive bureaucratic black hole, conduct all of her online business on a 1987 computer with a temperamental modem, and wait several months to see a doctor whom she didn’t want in the first place.
Gwyneth Paltrow will only speak if a smart person gives her a script or some brain cells.
John Boehner will check into a hospital and have a surgeon install a spine and a pair of testicles. (And just to play it safe, voters in Ohio’s 8th congressional district will resolve in 2016 to stop huffing lacquer thinner before going to the polls.)
John McCain will act like the elderly multimillionaire he is and retire.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore will reduce their carbon footprint by 50%, and send the unused power someplace it can be put to good use, like every third world country in existence.
Sandra Fluke will pay for her own birth control pills, even if it means no more pointless expenditures like feminine clothes or visits to the beautician.
Jeb Bush will zip-tie himself to his toilet until the desire to run for president goes away.
Hillary Clinton will keep a mainstream media reporter by her side 24/7, and continue to say whatever pops into her head whenever it pops into her head.
Last but least, the vice-president will stop writing the year 2013 on his checks.