My Imaginary Friend

Throughout my career, I have interviewed seven presidents. Only missed Ronald Reagan, who didn’t do many one-on-one chats with journalists. These conversations were my most difficult assignments. You should ask tough questions and push for answers. But you have to be respectful of the office. I always was.

President Biden will never speak with me. While he was Vice President, I ran into him at a Washington DC event. After some pleasantries, I pointed out that his boss, President Obama, had granted me three interviews, but he would not consent to one. I acted hurt.

He laughed and said: “Why would I do that (interview)? “You don’t need me.”

“For fun,” I answered.

Smiling, he strolled away.

So it’s a hopeless cause. As Bush, the elder, once said: “Not gonna do it.” But in my mind, I have a line of questioning and am submitting a fantasy Q&A for your approval. Let’s begin.

“Mr. President, lots of bad news for the country. How are you holding up?”

“Listen, dog-faced pony soldier, the only bad news is you. No joke. I’m not being factitious. You and the prior administration caused the problems.”

“Uh, what problems are those, Mr. President?”

“Look, we have a secure border, I mean it. But you say it’s open. Just because millions of folks are crossing, it’s not open. They have to swim!

“And what’s all this recession stuff? The GPS is fine. It is, in fact, working, and the gas prices are temporary. I like muscle cars, okay, and there’s plenty of gas in the reserve to fill them up.”

“With respect, on the border, sir, about five times as many undocumented migrants are crossing yearly than under your predecessor.”

“That guy? He ripped babies from their mother’s bosoms? No joke. I saw it on CNN. Kamala told me at lunch she is, in fact, close to finding the root cause of illegal immigration. In the meantime, we are flying thousands of folks free to wherever they want to go! And they don’t even have to pass through security. Great deal.”

“On that note, Mr. President, American commercial planes are having trouble getting off the ground. Are you aware?”

“Hey, come on, the migrant flights at 3 AM have no trouble at all! What’s this all about, champ?”

“Massive flight delays, Sir.”

“Petey B., the Secretary of Airports, says he’s on it. What’s his last name, again?

“Budda Judge Judy? You know him. He has a sacred obligation.”

“Overseas, in hindsight, should the USA have handled the Afghan withdrawal better?”

“Are you kidding me, pony guy? There was no withdrawal. The Afghans still live there.”

“I was speaking about how our troops left.”

“They all flew back and landed just like the migrants. Only our troops could fly during the day.”

“Got it. Finally, any worries about your son Hunter being indicted?”

“For what? Fleecing a few foreign governments for millions? They do that to us all the time. This is payback! No joke. I might give Hunter the Medal of Freedom. I gave it to that girl with the purple hair who kicks balls. Didn’t get too close to her for obvious reasons.”

“Obvious reasons?”

“She might have Covid.”

“Thank you for your time, Mr. President.”

“You’re welcome, Lester.”