Hi everyone, and Happy New Year!
I typically write my annual New Year’s Predictions piece just as the old year’s winding to an end, but frankly my creative efforts have been directed elsewhere over the past several weeks. I’ve been working hard on finishing up my next Sean Coleman Thriller, and was aiming for a first-draft completion date of January 1st.
Well, I didn’t quite make it (which I realize doesn’t bode well for my predicative talents), instead choosing to spend more quality time with my family over the Christmas break. Still, I’m pretty darned close, I’m very happy with how it’s shaping up, and I’m confident that fans of the series will enjoy it.
But you’re not here to listen to me carry on about literary stuff. Let’s get to this brand spankin’ new year we’ve just entered, and some predictions of things to watch for.
The Power of the Private Sector
On February 1st, less than two weeks after leaving the White House under protest and continued refusals to concede the election, Donald J. Trump will appear live on Hannity to announce the release of a new TRUMP brand COVID-19 vaccine.
TrumpVac™, according to the former president, will be at least five times more effective than the vaccines produced by Pfizer, Moderna and AstraZeneca… combined! And unlike the others, TrumpVac™ will have received personal approval by Dr. Scott Atlas, Dr. Seb Gorka, and Mike Lindell (founder and CEO of My Pillow).
Trump will change his tone sharply on the other vaccines, which he had boldly taken credit for over the remaining weeks of his presidency, suddenly describing them as “very weak Fauci garbage.” TrumpVac™, according to Trump, will not require multiple injections or even one. It will instead be sold in the form of a carbonated beverage (in multiple tropical flavors), allowing consumers to self-administer and even serve the vaccine at MAGA parties.
A six-pack of TrumpVac™, marketed as having a pinch of Vitamin D and a dash of hydroxychloroquine, will retail online for a special, non-refundable price of $45.47 (commemorating Trump’s tenure as the 45th and presumptive 47th President of the United States).
Ads for TrumpVac™ will begin airing during Fox News prime-time, with product placement incorporated into FNC’s weekend shows, including Watters’ World, The Greg Gutfeld Show, and Life, Liberty & Levin.
Worth a Thousand Words
Shortly after being sworn in as president, Joe Biden will draw even deeper contrasts between himself and his predecessor by staying off of social media entirely. He also won’t do any public appearances, including network interviews, press conferences, and meetings with members of congress.
In fact, the only visual sightings of Biden at all will be through a window at the White House, where he’ll be spending hours at a time gazing sadly and silently at the outside world, effectively reproducing one of 2014’s most popular political meme images:
By late April, media outlets will have grown increasingly frustrated over having no access to the president beyond video and photographs of him at the window.
“What is he even doing there?” will be a frequent question asked by members of the White House press corps.
“Thinking, dammit,” will remain Press Secretary Jen Psaki’s default answer, with the explanation being generally accepted by CNN and MSNBC prime-time hosts.
In early May, however, undercover journalist James O’Keefe will air hidden-camera video of a candid conversation he had, while inexplicably dressed like a Ronald McDonald, with an unnamed janitor working at the Washington D.C. branch of Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum.
In the video, the janitor will reveal that the museum’s Joe Biden waxwork (sculpted during the Obama administration) had gone missing during a COVID-19 lockdown back in December, and was presumed stolen.
Days later, amidst growing controversy, President Biden will unexpectedly appear at a White House daily briefing. Confidentially taking the podium, Biden will announce his intent to “run for president in 2008.”
Staffers will quickly usher him off stage, and Vice President Harris will take over presidential speaking engagements for the remainder of the year.
Stream the Leg
With the continued success of “Cobra Kai” on Netflix, Hollywood production companies will recognize a growing viewer demand for self-parodying television adaptations of popular 80’s films. In mid-May, streaming platforms will begin to announce multiple new series from the genre.
CBS All Access will revisit the 1985 crime drama, “Witness” with a ten-episode series titled “Be Careful Among Them English.” Lukas Haas will reprise the role of Samuel Lapp.
Synopsis: Having left the Amish community following traumatic events from his childhood, the now middle-aged Samuel works as a DC lobbyist. After witnessing the cartel murder of a U.S. senator, he fears for his life and seeks the help of the only person he can trust: retired police detective and late-80’s Amish convert, John Book (played by a CGI version of Harrison Ford, since the real Ford’s asking price will be too high).
“Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” from Amazon Prime Video will feature the return pairing of Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall for a four-episode follow-up miniseries to the 1987 film, “Mannequin.” Though the series will receive mostly negative reviews, and not find much of an online audience, the production company will take comfort in minimal special-effects costs keeping the film significantly under budget, thanks to Cattrall already being mostly comprised of plastic.
Not to be outdone, Apple TV+ will run eight episodes of “Screw Science,” a follow-up to the 1985 comedy, “Weird Science.” The series will catch up with Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith), now in their 50s and having long since lost their boyish charm.
Synopsis: Having discovered in their teens that it was significantly harder to pursue meaningful relationships with women than simply creating super-model virtual girlfriends using a Barbie doll, 80s-era computer software, and an acoustic coupler modem, the two are both still single. Kelly LeBrock will return as Lisa, their first technological creation, to maternally nag Gary and Wyatt into finally settling down.
O Captain! My Captain!
With John McCain having passed away in 2018, and Donald Trump leaving the White House in January, Senator Lindsey Graham will begin a tireless search for a new Republican alpha-dog in DC for whom to play the weird, obligatory role of sycophantic second-fiddle. After hearing from Mitch McConnell, John Thune, and other prominent GOP leaders that they’re not interested, Graham will ultimately center in on freshman Missouri Senator, Josh Hawley.
Graham will firmly adopt Hawley’s big-government, populous positions including increased economic stimuli, heavier Internet regulation, and a refusal to recognize free and fair election results. He’ll also appear (nodding in agreement) at all of Hawley’s public addresses. On cable news, Graham will never miss an opportunity to sing Hawley’s praises, while emphasizing the importance of reining in Instabook, Snapgram, and Facechat.
Graham will eventually re-style and color his hair to more closely resemble Hawley’s, and also do that weird thing with his lips.
I’m going to go ahead and leave it that, since I’m predicting my wife will soon grow pretty annoyed with me if I spend any more of our holiday break on this silly column. Again, I hope you all have a happy and healthy new year.
Note from John: I’ve been writing a weekly non-political newsletter since October, covering topics like art, music, humor, travel, society and culture. I’ve been surprised by, and thankful for, how many people have been signing up for it. If it sounds interesting to you, I’d love for you to subscribe (it’s free).