Hi everyone, and Happy New Year!
Every year, I try to get this annual predictions piece finished before January 1, but it doesn’t always happen (as was the case this time). Sorry if I let you down. The good news is that I predicted last year that I’d be late again this year, so I’m already off to good start as far as forecasting goes.
Anyway, 2021 wasn’t quite the revival many of us were hoping for. But I’m cautiously optimistic, with the coronavirus mutating into a less severe form (at least for now), and new medical breakthroughs promising better over-the-counter treatments (in addition to the vaccines), that everyday life will keep getting us closer to how things were before the pandemic. Politically and culturally, I’m not as confident that anything will settle down, being that both sides are still certifiably (and increasingly) insane, with seemingly no interest in appealing to normal or even semi-normal folks.
Let’s get to some details, and my predictions for 2022…
Finally Getting Answers
On the one-year anniversary of the January 6 attack, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy will hold a surprise press-conference on the steps of the U.S. Capitol. There, he’ll reveal to the country that nine months earlier, he had secretly formed his own select-committee of investigators to look into the events of that day. He’ll then introduce committee members Jim Jordan, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Dan Bongino, Donald Trump Jr., “My Pillow” CEO Mike Lindell, actor Scott Baio, and “QAnon Shaman” Jacob Chansley (via a Zoom call from his prison cell) to produce their findings.
The team will shock the world with its announcement that the insurrection attempt a year earlier was a “false flag” operation designed and carried out by none other than Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney, vice chair of the official House Select Committee. As proof, a glassy-eyed Donald Trump Jr. will produce a recorded phone conversation, purportedly of Cheney (though sounding remarkably like Greene) telling Congressman Adam Kinzinger (sounding remarkably like Bongino) to “make sure everyone chants ‘Hang Mike Pence,’ and that they throw around some fire extinguishers and flagpoles and whatnot.”
At that point, Lindell will step forward and call for the immediate reinstatement of Donald Trump as president, a pardon for Chansley (who will grunt in acknowledgement), and a 24-hour 20% discount on all MyPillow.com purchases.
Later that night, on his Fox News program, Tucker Carlson will describe the committee’s findings as “earth-shattering,” and call for Cheney and Kinzinger to be impeached and stand trial for treason. He’ll then announce his upcoming streaming special on Fox Nation, which promises to deliver concrete proof that Cheney and Kinzinger also personally conducted gain-of-function research at the Wuhan Institute of Virology in late 2019.
In a mid April presser, President Biden will announce that the United States will completely withdrawal all of its forces from Afghanistan by September 11th, marking the end of our country’s almost 20-year deployment there. The declaration will draw blank stares and dropped jaws from a speechless White House Press Corps.
“But sir… that’s already happened,” CNN’s Kaitlan Collins will finally muster up enough nerve to say. “And you made this exact same announcement a year ago.”
“Oh yeah?” Biden will respond. “How did things go?”
A quick-thinking Secret Service agent will place his hand over the mouth of Fox’s Peter Doocy and escort him from the room. As other journalists begin pressing the president to clarify, White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain will emerge from behind a curtain holding what appears to be a dog clicker. Two clicks will prompt Biden to abruptly end the press conference and leave the podium.
The next morning, White House press secretary Jen Psaki will insist that President Biden was merely performing a belated April Fools joke. After heckling reporters for not getting it, and not having a sense of humor, she will draw their attention to the “big story” of the day — a one-cent drop in the price of gasoline, which she’ll frame as a “great victory for America.”
Return of the Cuomo Brothers
Still unemployed and with legal bills piling up, Andrew and Chris Cuomo will concoct a plan for earning a big pay-day and returning to their former celebrity. In May, they’ll begin pitching their idea for a reality show called “Cuomo vs. Cuomo” to various network executives. In hopes of appealing to the same audience that enjoyed their on-air chemistry during the early months of the pandemic, Cuomo vs. Cuomo will place the brothers as roommates in a sprawling New York City apartment, where they’ll engage in various one-on-one competitions.
Contests will include hair-perming, various flex-offs, a speed-memory test of “chicks we banged in high school”, strip poker, and decibel-measured rage-screaming at a wall poster of Fox News meteorologist, Janice Dean.
After being roundly rejected by networks, the two will shelve the project and come up with a different idea for a television show: a fictional adventure-romance called “Cuomo to Cuomo”.
Loosely patterned after Aaron Spelling’s 1980’s hit series, “Hart to Hart,” the show will revolve around a privileged duo of amateur detectives who unwittingly find themselves embroiled in highbrow crime-mysteries. Only, instead of their bond coming from the strength of marriage, it will come from their unbreakable love for themselves.
After months of rejections, streaming service Tubi will eventually agree to a pilot episode.
End of an Era
Fall of 2022 will wrap up with the 11th and final season of the horror-drama television series, The Walking Dead. To celebrate the long-running franchise that spawned multiple spin-off series, the show’s producers will throw an enormous party for the cast and crew. A fun time will be had by all until attendees begin to realize that none of the show’s writers are at the party.
“Did someone forget to invite them?” Norman Reedus will ask.
“Yeah, they really need to be here,” Seth Gilliam, who played Father Gabriel, will say. “I want to thank them for not doing the sensible thing and killing off my character years ago.”
“Here here!” actor Josh “Eugene” McDermitt will concur.
More chatter will eventually lead to a slightly tipsy Angela Kang, the series’ showrunner, revealing that the show’s writers had accidentally been laid off five years earlier, due to a clerical error, and that most scripts since then had been adopted from fan-fiction notes scribbled on cocktail napkins by the guy who drove the catering truck.
The More Things Change…
Despite several hundred attempts on Twitter throughout the year, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will fail to make a reasonable argument of any kind, and Senator Ted Cruz will fail to tweet anything funny.
Let’s go ahead and leave it at that. If you made it all the way to the end of this piece, congratulations and thanks for humoring me. Again, I hope you all have a happy and healthy new year.
Sean Coleman is back in John A. Daly’s upcoming thriller novel, “Restitution.” Click here to pre-order.