The Obama administration has decided to ramp up its military campaign against ISIS. This comes as a direct result of the incident in which the Middle Eastern terror organization burned a captured Jordanian pilot alive in a cage. Beheadings are no big deal, a White House spokesman said. They happen all the time, and are not taken seriously by President Obama, who likes to joke about them with his friends while playing golf.
But burning someone in a cage? Now that is unusual even in the Middle East, even in Saudi Arabia. It deserves a special (but measured) response, confide officials who are too embarrassed to be quoted by name.
Immediately after the administration announced the escalation of its anti-ISIS initiative, but before it divulged any details, a spokesman for ISIS offered what seemed to be a tentative apology for the cage incident, or if not an apology then at least a rationale. Chewing on the entrails of a murdered Christian child, and washing down his repast with the still warm blood of a Muslim woman who winked at a man, the spokesman, whose name is too difficult to spell, stated that the use of a cage was considered a public safety measure. Without the cage, the pilot, enveloped in flames, might have run wild in a public place, possibly spreading the fire and injuring innocent bystanders.
After hearing the details of the new U.S. plan from a reporter, the ISIS spokesman said nothing further, but grinned impishly.
Here are the new measures that President Obama has ordered put in place:
1.) American bombers will be used to destroy a second piece of ISIS artillery. TV viewers have seen repeated clips of the same attack on a single piece of artillery. The government has recycled this clip to give the impression that the attack on ISIS is widespread. But in fact so far only a single machine gun has been destroyed by our planes, and the gun was unattended at the time, in line with the President’s insistence that no enemy combatants be harmed. The same restriction will apply when our flyboys take out another machine gun.
2.) Three members of the U.S. special forces will be working undercover to isolate and attack ISIS fighters. They all will be armed with powerful slingshots, although the President has declined to let them hurl stones, pellets or other hard objects. Each special agent will carry a duffel bag full of nerf balls.
3.) The First Lady, Michelle Obama, will be granted unlimited funds to carry on a hashtag campaign, such as the one against Boko Haram that proved so dazzlingly successful. The President’s speechwriters are devising slogans for the hashtags, which will be displayed not only by Mrs. Obama, but also celebrities close to the administration, including some actresses who will appear dressed in skimpy outfits, as a pointed insult to the ISIS prudes. However, none of the hashtags will display the word “Islam,” because Mr. Obama remains convinced that none of the members of the Islamic State, as it calls itself, are Islamic. One hashtag that already has been approved for use in the campaign will say “You guys are a bunch of irreligious finks!” That slogan is predicted to have a devastating effect on the enemy.