President Obama has decided to rename America’s highest mountain. Currently known as Mount McKinley, and situated in Alaska, it will henceforth be known as Denali.
White House spokesman Josh Earnest said he hadn’t spoken with the President, so he doesn’t know how the name was picked. He speculated that Denali may have been the first Italian-American president of the United States, who was said to have been assassinated in 1901 by a disturbed anarchist. “That goes to show you that you must never disturb an anarchist,” Earnest joked.
Earnest said that this will be one in a series of name changes Obama will apply to various landmarks throughout the country. The common theme will be to eliminate the names of any white males, particularly those who belonged to the Republican Party, because of the well-known fact that all white males, and particularly Republicans, are evil, and have succeeded only by treading on the backs of helpless minorities, such as the Hispanic felon and illegal immigrant who shot and killed Kate Steinle in San Francisco.
This is believed to be the first time that anyone representing the White House has publicly mentioned the name of Kate Steinle. It evidently took some weeks before the White House could develop a positive spin on the murder.
A reporter noted that the first Italian-American president would have been presumed to be white, even if he were not a Republican. “You know how swarthy Italians are,” Earnest replied. “I haven’t talked to the President, but I assume that he gave Denali the benefit of the doubt.”
Asked for the names of other American sites that are under review for possible name changes, Earnest provided the following list:
1.) Washington, D.C. and the state of Washington, both named for the same white slave owner. The name Sitting Bull is under consideration as a replacement, especially for the nation’s capital, where it seems entirely appropriate. Asked whether Obama may lack the legal authority to change the name of a state, Earnest said: “That has never stopped him before.”
2.) LaGuardia Airport, in New York City, to be renamed the Al Sharpton Airport. “The usual criteria,” Earnest remarked. “White and Republican.” A reporter pointed out that the late New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia was an Italian-American, and perhaps ought to be given the special consideration given to the late President Denali. To which Earnest replied: “I haven’t talked with the President, but as you know we like to keep all our options on the table.”
3.) The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in the nation’s capital will become the Gloria Steinem Center for Bashing Uppity Men. Several reporters vied to question Earnest about this, because JFK, although a white male, was most certainly a Democrat. “I will concede that,” Earnest said. “Although I have not spoken with the President about this, I should point out that he considers himself one of the most admirable Democratic Presidents in modern history, and would just as soon that history forgets other presidents who were admired.
Earnest added that the President is considering having the heads of Washington and Jefferson blasted off of Mount Rushmore, because of their ownership of slaves, and possibly Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln as well, because they were Republicans. He said that T.R. is under especially intense scrutiny because he believed that the United States should maintain a powerful Army and Navy.
Mount Rushmore would be renamed after a gay donor to the Democratic Party, with the honor up for auction bidding.