Coal in Their Stockings

Traditionally, if kids were naughty, Santa Claus would place coal in their stockings instead of nice things. But now, because of global warming, the coal stigma has advanced to the next level. This being Christmas time, I am trying to stay positive, but it is my columnist duty to list some folks who truly deserve coal in their stockings because they were definitely not looking out for us.

That preacher nut in Florida who threatened to burn the Koran deserves to be trapped in a coal mine, never mind the stocking. That’s all these crazy jihadists need to kill more Americans–a Koran burning on the worldwide net.

The Westboro Baptist Church crew (no affiliation with the Baptist church) who demonstrate at military funerals should have coal thrown at them. These religious fanatics believe God is punishing the American military because this country does not persecute gays. The Taliban is actively recruiting Fred Phelps and his vile gang. By the way, the Supreme Court should be issuing a ruling on these haters soon.

Governor Rod Blagojevich and Congressman Charles Rangel used their positions of responsibility to try to enrich themselves. Or maybe they are just misunderstood. You make the call. Santa has ordered coal.

Michael Moore believes the Wikileaks guy is a hero. Of course he is. So what if informers are now intimidated by the prospect of seeing their names on the Internet? So what if the United States and other countries don’t get vital information about the jihad and other threats? It makes Moore feel good to call for “a more open society.” And did you catch Cuba banning Moore’s propaganda movie about health care? Yeah, the Castro brothers think the film portrays the Cuban health care system too positively! Moore makes it look too good! If Cubans see the flick, they’ll get mad because they don’t have the stuff Moore says they have. Or so says Fidel. I say Moore deserves to eat coal.

Alan Grayson told the world that Republicans want Americans who get sick to die. So the voters in central Florida kicked him out of Congress after just one term. During the campaign, Grayson distorted his opponent’s words about women in a way that was so dishonest Blagojevich was disgusted. Much fossil fuel should be deposited in Grayson’s stocking.

Sharron Angle told a group of Hispanic students that they looked “Asian” to her. Upon hearing that her opponent, Senator Harry Reid said many prayers to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. Hispanic voters in Nevada then went overwhelmingly for Reid. Ms. Angle shouldn’t get coal. She has suffered enough.

Of course, there are many other folks we could put on the coal patrol but, again, this is the season to be jolly. Have a great one.