The Secrets They Don’t Want You to Know About Hollywood …

You can’t make this stuff up — so we did.

This piece is different. Very different. This one isn’t about politics or the media or any of the usual fare. It’s not even about the truth as I see it. This column is a temporary escape from all that … an escape from the daily barrage of bad news that divides us into red or blue camps.

I was recently talking to a friend from our days at CBS News, Josh Howard, a producer, and we decided to write about Hollywood — but unlike everything else that’s been written about the glitz and glamour of the movie business, we figured it would be a good idea to write something that doesn’t have anything in it that’s true.

Not a single syllable in what you’re about to read would survive a fact check. It’s all made up, stuff designed to reach one goal: To put a smile on your face … and if we’re lucky, to make you laugh.

So what follows is a list of 10 Hollywood hit movies, and what you didn’t know about any of them — for good reason … because as I say, none of it is true.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up — So We Did.

And here’s where you, the reader, come in: After you go through our list of movies, please send in your entries. All we ask is that they’re funny.

This column is a one-off. My next column won’t be anything like this. But if you smiled or laughed, I’ll consider it a success.

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The Bird Cage

Studio executives green-light the movie saying, “Love the script … Love Robin Williams.” Small change: They want the writer to lose the gay stuff.

12 Angry Men

Dinner guests are annoyed when Jesus skips the last supper and goes bowling instead.

Sophie’s Choice

Woman in 1950s Brooklyn faces a wrenching decision: smoked salmon or pickled herring.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Originally Hymie Rosenbaum’s Day Off — about an orthodontist who, like Dodger pitcher Sandy Koufax, refuses to work on the Jewish High Holy Days — and instead secretly goes for a pork-laced egg roll at a Chinese restaurant.

E.T.

A story about a guy named Ely Tanenbaum.

Ben Hur

Originally called Ben Him. A film about Shecky Schwartz and his sex change operation.

Titanic

After determining it would cost too much to make a fake iceberg look like the real thing, the producers of Titanic decide to let the ship make the voyage to New York, without incident.

King Kong

King Kong needs a little rewrite. The studio won't pay for the giant monkey suit. One executive says: “How about we make him a hamster?” 

Psycho

A true story about any number of cable news anchormen.

Midnight Cowboy

Roy Rogers goes for a late night drink at a neighborhood saloon and forgets where he parked Trigger.

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The ball, my friends, is in your court…