Caution: this is another one of those columns with risqué content—proceed at your own risk, forgive the writer at your own discretion.
Millions of people might be surprised by the mere suggestion of it. Liberals simply won’t buy it. Far-leftists who organize & engage in women’s protests will be so shocked by it they just might punch a hole in a wall, thick layer of padding and all. “It” is the mere idea that there are other people besides women with a reason to engage in gender-related protests. These other people, who you’ve probably guessed unless you’re thicker than the tiramisu at Scampatino’s, are men. Believe it or not, we males have plenty of male-specific, dude-oriented, guy-geared issues lathering us up.
Before we get into it, I should make it clear that not every problem or disadvantage largely affecting men will be a valid reason to grab some signs and hit the streets. Take our careers. Even though men are statistically far more likely to die on the job than women, there are factors involved that have nothing to do with unfairness, just as there are with pay disparity between the sexes. The jobs with the highest risk of fatal accidents (logger, construction worker, etc.) are chosen overwhelmingly by us. As are the jobs with the most frequent exposure to dangerous substances (exterminator, chemist, etc.) Ditto the ones that involve confrontations with society’s most violent & unsavory people (law enforcement officer, Chippendale’s bouncer, etc.) And, as I said before, we choose these fields. Nobody is forcing us at gunpoint to apply for a job as a stunt double or firefighter, and if somebody were, it’d be a man.
As far as actual reasons to protest go, my vote for the best one would be the big public tizzy over so-called “rape culture.” After months of consulting with various experts, researching data, and carefully weighing the pros & cons, I came to the conclusion that (A) claiming that one out of five women will be sexually assaulted based on laughably suspect research, (B) making false allegations of rape, whether the accuser is famous like Lena Dunham or non-famous like Crystal Mangum, and (C) treating every allegation of a sex crime as an actual sex crime no matter the circumstances, suck.
As if it needed pointing out, most of us dudes are decent, upstanding citizens. Not only would we have no problem if all rapists were executed, a substantial number of us would eagerly volunteer to carry it out. The only question would be which method to pick. Maybe you’d like the idea of a public hanging, where the victims get dibs on pulling the lever. Maybe you’d pick decapitation, in which case I suggest asking my wife if you can borrow one of her samurai swords. (Yes, she actually has some, and yes, she’d let you.)
My vote? Castration without anesthesia.
Just as these walking talking vats of evil deserve harsher prison sentences than they currently get, men who are falsely accused of violent sex crimes don’t see anything close to the justice they deserve. You may be innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, but in the court of public opinion, particularly when the crime is highly violent or heinous and the victim is especially vulnerable, you’re presumed guilty. In an ideal world this would never be done to an innocent man, or at the very least the accuser would have to spend the rest of her life with a facial tattoo of a defecating bull.
We certainly would be well-justified to organize a protest in front of Rolling Stone Magazine’s New York headquarters, over their role in the 2015 University of Virginia rape hoax, just like women outraged by the election of an obnoxious jackass had every right to march on Washington several weeks ago. Yes, the ones wearing those cat-eared knitted caps dubbed “pussy hats.”
One can only hope the men’s march organizers wouldn’t take too much inspiration from those women. I don’t know about you, but I’m not too keen on the idea of sporting headwear that represents our reproductive organs. Fortunately, it’s highly unlikely we dudes would ever do it, and not just because we don’t knit. It’s mostly because we’d get stuck trying to figure out what name to give the hats, especially without it being too silly. We can’t use the word “penis,” obviously, and the fact that’s exactly what they’re called doesn’t matter. (It’s one of the reasons we give them proper names.) So we’d try to find a suitable euphemism instead, and then we’d spend forever sorting through all the possibilities (rooster synonym, sports announcer Engerg’s first name, flugelhorn, etc.) We have a far higher list to narrow down than women do, which admittedly is our fault since we came up with both lists. Our hats’ symbolism is a question we’d simply never get past.
Of course, being the dudes we are, someone is bound to suggest we represent the organs with models of ACTUAL organs, which would raise a whole new batch of questions: Should they be depicted in their normal state (clinical term “disinterested”), thus obstructing our view and risking permanent crossing of the eyes? Should they be in the other state (“atten-TION!”), forcing us to slouch when walking through doorways? If the former were to happen, would my friends ever speak to me again if I used the phrase “cockeyed?” What will the hats be called? Flugelfedoras? Memberets? So many questions…
By the way, you might not be aware, though if you’re a dude you probably are, there actually are several companies out there who manufacture penis hats. For obvious reasons there will be no link provided for you here, meaning none of them have approached me with an endorsement deal.