Stat’s Entertainment

“Welcome back to NBS’ coverage of the World Tackle Football playoffs, between the Nashville Nasturtiums and the Portland Pissants. I’m Buck Joseph, along with Randy Exjocque, live from I’m Not Remotely Surprised It’s Margarine Stadium, and what a surprising first half it was for Portland, Randy, leading Nashville 10-0 at halftime!”

“Boy, you got that right, Buck! Who would have predicted that Portland, fresh off their one-point victory over the Boston Beancounters in the wild-card game, would go into the home of the defending WTF champions and shut them out in the first half? And racking up those 10 points by forcing five safeties? I can’t even recall the last time a team pulled that off in a regular season game, let alone the playoffs.”

“You’d have to go back to December 28th, 1972, when the Columbus Croissants pulled off six safeties en route to a 20-7 victory over the San Antonio Stiffs.”

“Interesting.”

“Nashville placekicker Steve Wideright now lining up for kickoff as we start the third quarter, and boots the ball past the Pissants’ end zone for a touchback. Ol’ number 11 still one of the strongest legs in the league, even after L.A. strong safety Fletch Karnivore bit off his kneecap last season and landed him on injured reserve. Just as the weather report indicated, we’re now seeing a slight rain start to come down as Portland breaks huddle. Speaking of Wideright, it turns out that in league history, teams with placekickers bitten by opponents the prior season are 10-8 in championship games; 6-2 when bitten by a teammate.”

“That’s a lot of kneecaps, Buck.”

“And tetanus shots. Pissant quarterback Fran Aikway under center, takes the snap and pitches to tailback Walter Brownders, stopped after a gain of 8 yards. And what a job by the offensive line, opening up just a HUGE hole for Brownders!”

“That’s some dominant blocking by left guard Sherman Tanke and center Fuller Humvee. I haven’t seen a gap that wide since I took a selfie with Michael Strahan.”

“And it looks like we have an injured defensive player on the ground, Randy. As Nashville trainers head onto the field, it appears to be second-year nose tackle Thor Hamthring who got hurt on the play. It’s been a long afternoon for him and the Nasturtium defense, with their opponents spanking them like a bunch of naughty little tarts. Okay, the good news is Hamthring is able to walk toward the sideline on his own, and on the way you can see him exchanging an affectionate swat on the buttocks with his replacement, rookie lineman Red Mudflaps.”

“Now there’s a fine young talent, Mudflaps—originally from Toronto, played both tackle and end for the FKU Wildcat-Bulldogs, drafted in the second round, former openly bisexual transvestite…”

“And that could spell good news for the Nasturtiums, because 5 of the last 8 playoff teams that sent in native Canadian one-time unhetero cross-dressing rookie reserve defensive linemen to replace injured starters ended up winning their respective games. The last time this happened was two years ago, when the Phoenix Philanderers came from behind to defeat the Birmingham Bastards.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Aikway gets the quick snap from Humvee, fakes the handoff to Brownders, and completes the short pass over the middle to tight end Winslow Kellen for the first down, and there’s a flag thrown in the backfield.”

“And that’s going to be roughing the passer, easy call by the back judge, as the replay shows outside linebacker Conrad Cussion driving the quarterback to the turf well after the ball was thrown.”

“This violent illegal hit brought to you by Drug Depot, where if you’ve got a pain, they’ve got its killer. Aikway slow to get up after Cussion dropped him like a cheerleader’s skirt, but heads right back to the huddle and a plethora of high-fives and buttock-swats. The Pissants assume the position, Aikway in the shotgun, gets the high-snap, checks off his receivers, scrambles right to avoid the rush, and launches a long pass……and wideout Reese Seaver snatches it at the 25! And he’s at the 20! The 15! The 10! The 5! TOUCHDOWN!!! Number 82 faked out Nashville DB Nick Elback and got wide open for the long bomb from number 15!”

“And there come the Pissant players to celebrate in the end zone, jumping for joy and taking turns swatting Seaver’s buttocks. What a great move by the veteran pass-catcher, juking his opponent about 10 yards out and then speeding away untouched.”

“And Elback STILL looks disoriented…wow, by his facial expression you’d think Seaver roofied his Gatorade.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know, Buck. Say, coffee taste funny to you?”

“Oh, Randy, you’re such a kidder! Special teams captain Tyrone Cleetz is leading the kicking unit out to try for the extra point. The veteran long-snapper of course is one of the more interesting stories in football: he is married to the twin sister of Portland kicker Chip Schott, and in fact the only person to ever hike him the ball. The two were members of the 2005 NCAA champion ICU Bulldog-Wildcats, both selected in the third round of the 2007 draft by the Anaheim Alliterates, and signed as free agents by Portland two years ago. The kick is good, and the special teamers celebrate their 17-0 score with the customary mass swatting of buttocks. In league playoff history, by the way, clubs whose special teams feature a twin sibling and his brother-in-law who have played together since age 18 go on to win the championship 66% of the time.”

“Amazing. Uh-oh, looks like Nashville head coach Mark Hash might be a tad upset at his team’s performance. Our production crew has very wisely blacked-out his mouth, because it’s obvious whatever he’s shouting at his defensive players is pretty unsavory. Wow, now his linebacking corps is starting to cry.”

“Like babies cutting onions while watching Brian’s Song. Coach better be careful here, because scoreless teams named after plants whose head coaches suffer a coronary in the third quarter of playoff games have won only 2 out of 6 times.”

“Incredible.”

“Nasturtiums call a time-out, and the trainers attach a large cold-compress to Hash’s face in an effort to calm him down. It appears to be working, based on the steam from his head thinning out. We’re at three minutes to go in the third quarter, and Nashville still has plenty of time. Pretty much all they need to do is score 18 points while preventing Portland from scoring again, because in league history, the team that has more points than the other at the end of the fourth quarter goes on to win 100% of the time.”

“Fascinating.”