Battling Pygmies

Sometimes, I must confess, I almost feel like a bully when I ridicule so-called progressives. The old expression “Like shooting fish in a barrel” comes to mind. But, then, I merely have to remind myself that these fish happen to control the White House, the Senate, the Department of Justice and the IRS, and I don’t feel so bad.

Besides, how can one not ridicule Obama when he insists that federally-funded pre-school programs will lead to good-paying jobs down the line? Oh, really? As pre-school teachers, perhaps? In the meantime, as an inevitable consequence of this brainstorm, all privately-owned pre-schools will be put out of business.

He also promotes a 94-cent tax on a pack of cigarettes. What a boon that is for all those poor people he claims to be so concerned about. Almost as great as $4.20-a-gallon gas here in California.

Obama is so far out of step in his efforts to model our economy on that of Greece and the other socialist welfare states in Europe that even China has noticed the error of his ways. In a major policy shift, its new prime minister, Li Keqiang, is seeking to have private businesses and market forces play a larger role in shaping its economy. It’s his hope that the change will unleash the creative energies of the nation.

I keep praying that the Koch brothers will succeed in their efforts to buy up several major newspapers, including our local rag. Every time I pick it up, I recall that Mark Twain once observed that if you don’t read a newspaper, you’ll be uninformed, whereas if you do, you’ll be misinformed. Out here, it’s not lies, damn lies and statistics, but lies, damn lies and the L.A. Times.

In case you missed it, when Susan Muranishi retires in a couple of years, she will be collecting $423,664-a-year for life. If you’ve never heard of her, don’t berate yourself. She’s nobody famous and she didn’t just win grand prize in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse drawing. She’s merely an Alameda County administrator. Is it any wonder California is going bankrupt?

Speaking of wealthy women, I just discovered that the wealthiest woman in show business is not Oprah Winfrey. Instead, it’s Julia-Louis Dreyfus. It’s nothing personal, but I regard this as further proof that life isn’t fair. Here’s a woman who regards the million dollars-an-episode she wound up making on “Seinfeld” as chump change. It seems her grandfather was a French billionaire.

At the risk of sounding like a leftist, I say it should be one or the other. In a just world, some impoverished actress would have gotten the role of Elaine Benes.

For some mysterious reason, I keep getting email from the DNC inviting me to contribute to the party of fools, liars and cheats. Most recently, I was urged to pitch in as little as $3 for the opportunity to be entered in a drawing. The grand prize was the opportunity to meet Michelle Obama and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, whom some wag has tagged Fauxcohantas, at some event in Boston. Frankly, I would rather spend an hour with the two Evas, Braun and Peron.

Finally, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, I have been giving some thought to how Obama can best extricate himself from the quicksand in which he now finds himself being engulfed. Benghazi was bad enough, but now he finds himself hip-deep in the scandals involving the IRS and spying on journalists.

He should take a leaf from Bill Clinton’s playbook. When Willie the Hound Dog found himself in trouble because he had perjured himself before a grand jury, he pretended it was really about Monica Lewinsky and sex. The media, which as usual, is only too happy to carry water for liberals, took its cue and put the spotlight on Ken Starr, portraying him as a prude who could be easily confused with Cotton Mather.

So my suggestion to Obama is that he let himself be caught having carnal relations with a male intern. For one thing, it would animate his base of gays and those simpletons who regard homosexuality as not merely an alternate life style, but as a superior one.

For another, it would confirm the suspicions of those on the Right who have seen him try to throw a baseball.

Why I Can’t Be God

I have come to the realization that I am not cut out to be God. I mention that because there was actually a time when I thought I could handle the job. I’m not just bragging. I just figured that if I’d been in charge, I would have prevented the Holocaust, I would have given Stalin and Mao heart attacks in their 20s, I would have done away with cancer and Alzheimer’s, I would kept the temperature in the low 70s year round here in the San Fernando Valley and I’d have steered Juan Williams into a different line of work .

But I have come to the conclusion that I lack the prerequisite of patience. I can’t tell you how many times if I had the power, I would have scrubbed the human race and started over from scratch. I’d probably have let dogs and elephants run things. Clearly, leaving people in charge is a big mistake. Especially when you look around the world and you see people like Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin, the Castro brothers, Bashar al-Assad, Asif Ali Zardari, Hamid Karzai, Xi Jinping, Mohamed Morsi, Mahmoud Abbas, Robert Mugabe, the mullahs of Iran and Barack Obama, running things.

Some would say that Obama doesn’t belong on a list with all those tyrants, but, fortunately, I don’t have to live with those guys. I don’t have to listen to their self-serving blather day after day. None of them is in a position to leave our Constitution in tatters, our nation in ruins. Therefore, if I could replace any one of them with a sane and decent man, it would be Obama.

Quite often, I find myself wishing that Obama had stayed in Illinois and settled for being the governor. I’m sure he wouldn’t have handled that job any better than he’s handled the presidency, but at least there’s a history of those guys winding up in the poky. In fairly recent history, four of those mugs — Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich — went from the governor’s mansion to the penitentiary.

Speaking of Obama, there’s a delicious irony in the fact that the industries that he has championed in word and with our tax dollars — namely, electric cars and solar panels — have failed miserably. However, the one he has waged a campaign against — gun manufacturing — has flourished to such an extent that in 2011, alone, the sale of guns and ammo resulted in federal excise taxes of $4.59 billion!

If Obama weren’t such a left-wing zealot, he’d have supported the latter enterprise and ignored those silly green companies, and today he might be receiving plaudits instead of having his economic prowess ridiculed.

Speaking of money, Huma Abedin, while serving as an advisor to Mrs. Clinton at the State Department and pulling down $135,000-a-year, was also acting as a well-paid consultant to private firms. I’m not sure what her official duties were at the State Department, but I’m sure that Mrs. Clinton and Ms. Abedin, who’s Mrs. Anthony Weiner in real life, shared many a laugh over the fact that neither of their ludicrous husbands could keep his pants zipped up for more than five minutes at a time.

Did I mention that Kirsten Powers, aka Ms. Smug, used to date Mr. Weiner? Oh , what a tangled web they weave in the cesspool that serves as our nation’s capital.

As if we didn’t already know it, a new study concludes that strong men tend to be conservatives. If you’ve attended movies during the past 50 years, you probably know that John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood, were and are straight shooters off screen, as well as on. Whereas anyone who has ever seen young twerps swooning over the likes of Bruce Springsteen or seen the testosterone-deprived fans lighting candles and swaying at Bono’s concerts could have saved them the price of the study.

In case you missed the news, O.J. Simpson has asked for a new trial, contending his former lawyer, Yale Galanter, had done a lousy job of defending him during his trial for armed robbery.

Well, clearly any schmuck who’s been found guilty is convinced that the problem isn’t that he committed the crime, but that his mouthpiece blew it.

What I want to know is why the legal system allows a felon to have a hearing based, not on new evidence, but merely because he wound up in the cooler. It seems to me that if you hire someone who has gone to law school and passed the bar to defend you, unless you can prove he took a bribe to throw your case, you shouldn’t get a mulligan.

Finally, we’ve all recently witnessed the farce in Washington in which three of the most powerful individuals in the nation — Barack Obama, Eric Holder and Hillary Clinton — all insisted that nobody ever gave them the slightest hint what was going on in Benghazi, at the IRS or the offices of the Associated Press.

Frankly, I’d be prepared to accept that they had switched jobs with some janitor named Tyrone, leaving it up to him to make all the tough decisions, except that I don’t really believe the three of them, individually or together, are competent to unclog sinks, wash windows or change light bulbs.

In the meantime, we are stuck with a president so divisive that while his opponents regard him as dangerous, even his defenders find him disengaged. Republicans view him as a menace to America and the world, while a great many Democrats consider him passive and as a man who leads from behind.

For my part, I say God help us. Please.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Translating Obamaspeak

I have never been good with foreign languages, so it’s little wonder that I have had so much trouble figuring out what Barack Obama is talking about. Still, it didn’t take me too long to realize that “fees” and “revenues” are what the rest of us call taxes.

I’m ashamed to admit that the first time I heard him say, “I can’t comment because there’s an ongoing investigation,” I assumed he couldn’t comment because there was an ongoing investigation. By the second time, it dawned on me that what he was really saying was “There’s no way I’m going to talk about (Operation Fast & Furious) (voter intimidation by the New Black Panthers) (the monitoring of the AP) (the national security leaks to the NY Times that made me look like I knew what I was doing when it came to foreign affairs) (Syria) (Benghazi) (the targeting of conservatives by the IRS) while an ongoing investigation is taking place.”

And if you asked when any of those investigations was likely to be concluded, the honest answer, which you’d never get, is sometime after January 20, 2017.

Does Obama actually think anyone believes him when he says that he had no idea that Internal Revenue was targeting right-wing groups and individuals? In order to swallow that, we would also have to believe he’d have been equally in the dark if the IRS had been targeting liberals for the past two or three years.

He’s not alone when it comes to speaking in code. For instance, when you ask Hillary Clinton why it makes no difference who killed Ambassador Stevens and his three colleagues in Benghazi, the honest answer would be that neither she nor Chelsea was one of the four victims, so it was no big deal.

And when Bill O’Reilly tells guests on The Factor “You’re dodging my question,” it really means they’re not agreeing with his latest pontification.

A reader sent me a question he wished somebody would ask Obama: “Why is it that Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood get free F-16s, but law-abiding Americans can’t be trusted with hunting rifles?” On behalf of Obama, let me assure you that there is an ongoing investigation.

Another reader pointed out that if you cross the North Korean border illegally, you’ll be sentenced to 12 years hard labor. If you sneak across the Afghan border, you’ll be shot. If, on the other hand, you enter the U.S. illegally, you get a job, food stamps, a driver’s license, a place to live, health care and an education. Some would suggest that proves we are better than North Korea and Afghanistan. Others would suggest that what we are is a nation of suckers and screwballs.

On a somewhat related matter, although I love the game of baseball, I despise the World Baseball Classic, which is not to be confused with the World Series. For one thing, the competition begins when the winter baseball season south of the border concludes. Thus, Latin players are ready to go at a time, early March, when our own players are supposed to be getting into shape with their teams at spring training camps.

But worse than that basic unfairness is that players being paid millions to play for the Yankees, Cardinals, Red Sox and Mariners, are expected to play for their native countries. Even those who have resettled with their families in the U.S. are encouraged to compete under a foreign flag against their native-born teammates.

I know I shouldn’t be too surprised. Major League Baseball, an organization so corrupt that it knowingly turned a blind eye to players juiced up on steroids erasing the records of Ruth, Maris and Aaron, just so they could sell a few more tickets, cares about the Game about as much as Obama cares about America.

Radio talk show host Dennis Prager has pointed out that when it comes to religion, there are three self-identified groups: Believers, Agnostics and Atheists, and of the three only the Agnostics are hypocrites. As Prager argues, if a person really can’t decide whether or not God exists, doesn’t it behoove him to attend a church or synagogue every other week? Instead, Agnostics behave exactly like Atheists, who at least have the courage of their convictions.

But I would suggest that Liberals, including the Atheists in their ranks, have their own religion. It’s called Big Government. They don’t question it. Instead, like Muslims, they prostrate themselves to it.

Their faith is so great that it doesn’t even occur to them that at some point, Satan, otherwise known as a Republican, will inevitably gain control of it, and whatever powers have been granted or gobbled up by the executive branch will be in the hands of their archenemies.

But, then, nobody ever said that the followers of Liberalism were smart. Well, at least not with a straight face.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Delegating the Blame

Until the current administration came along, never in American history had so many people claimed to be taking responsibility without taking even the least little bit. Some leaders take pride in knowing how to delegate responsibility. Obama and his crew only know how to delegate blame.

It’s been a while, but surely you recall that when we heard about the Justice Department funneling guns to Mexican drug cartels, Attorney General Eric Holder swore he had no idea who green-lighted Operation Fast & Furious, but he was darn certain it wasn’t him.

When someone in the White House leaked national security secrets intended to make the president look competent in foreign affairs to the NY Times, everyone with an active brain cell was certain the leaker was Barack Obama, but Obama had a hunch it was some tourist from Nebraska who just happened to be passing through the White House before tours were curtailed because of that doggone sequester.

Hillary Clinton said she was taking responsibility for what occurred in Benghazi. That is to say she was responsible for everything, except for denying Ambassador Stevens the additional security he begged for; for removing the little bit of security he had; and for lying about the massacre having been triggered by a YouTube video nobody ever saw. Aside from all that, Mrs. Clinton wanted us to know that about three cents of the buck stopped with her and 97-cents stopped with some underlings she had never even met.

In the case of Obama, after he, David Axelrod and other members of his campaign team got done revising CIA reports about the Benghazi massacre, and handing them off to Susan Rice so she could repeat his lies on five Sunday news shows, Obama gallantly sprang to her defense. When people demanded to know where she got off trying to peddle stale baloney, Obama, pretending to be the stand-up guy he isn’t, told the media that if they had a bone to pick with anyone, they should pick it with him. And as soon as they did, he turned around and told Ambassador Rice that she could forget about becoming Secretary of State.

Jeremiah Wright could have warned her that Obama may throw a baseball like a little girl, but he’s Olympic-class when it comes to tossing people under the bus.

Inasmuch as it made about as much sense for the ambassador to the U.N. to have gone on those various news shows as Lady Gaga, one can only assume that someone decided that Rice was a better liar than Clinton, or at least more expendable. And, frankly, after seeing Clinton’s phony over-the-top performance before the Senate committee, I have to agree. You’d have thought that after all those years spent listening to Bill tell one whopper after another, she’d be better at it.

That brings us to the kerfuffle at the IRS. Typically, as soon as it came out that the tax collectors had been making life extra miserable for conservative groups, the blame was placed on underlings in the Cincinnati office. Like Captain Renault in “Casablanca,” who was shocked to learn that gambling took place in the backroom at Rick’s, Obama claimed he had no idea that those upstarts were creating havoc for his political opponents. It’s even possible he didn’t. Between golf and fund-raising and accusing Republicans of being Satan’s spawn, he can’t know every last thing that people are doing on his behalf.

I’m sure that’s also holds true for Mafia dons. I’m told that they don’t always have to give specific orders; they merely need to have it understood that they’d appreciate having certain things done. And in those places where corruption reigns, whether it’s denying a Tea Party group tax-exempt status or putting an icepick in the ear of a crosstown rival, they’re done.

The upside of all this is that even the members of the major media seem to be getting tired of being played like suckers by this administration. These people don’t mind lying on behalf of a left-wing president. In fact, they accept that it’s part of their job description, not to mention their main purpose in life. But they resent it like hell when they’re the target of a president’s lies and the objects of his obvious contempt.

It may have taken well over four years, but even the folks from the NY Times, the Washington Post and the major TV networks, seem to have finally had enough. In the past, Obama could have gotten away stonewalling the press about an event that saw four American patriots murdered by jihadists, claiming, as is his wont, that he couldn’t possibly comment during an ongoing investigation.

But that was then and this is now. This time, after months of lying about what he knew and when he knew it, when the truth finally started seeping out, thanks to State Department whistleblowers, and Obama tried to dismiss it as old news, the members of the White House press corps were no longer nodding along like a roomful of dashboard dollies.

And those little wet drops on Jay Carney’s brow weren’t sweat. That was blood.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

More Questions Than Answers

Surely I can’t be the only person who has a hard time falling asleep at night, thanks to all the unanswered questions floating around in my head. For instance, after seeing Juan Williams constantly trying to pooh-pooh away questions about the Benghazi cover-up on both Bret Baier’s “Special Report” and O’Reilly’s “The Factor,” I keep wondering if he’s been required to register as a lobbyist for the Obama administration.

For instance, how is it that lefties like Michael Bloomberg think that adults should have no say in the matter when it comes to sugar, salt, guns and the size of soda containers, but insist that teenagers should have free choice when it comes to purchasing the day-after pill and/or aborting their babies without parental consent or even awareness?

I’m sure most of us breathed a sigh of relief when the Pennsylvania jury found Kermit Gosnell guilty of first-degree murder. But perhaps not all of us. Peter Singer, an Australian moral philosopher, who is a professor of Bioethics at Princeton, in response to whether he would be in favor of killing a disabled baby, replied, “Yes, if that was in the best interests of the baby and of the family as a whole.”

Well, God knows I’m not a moral philosopher, but I’m wondering how the baby would go about voicing an opinion. And I’d like to hear what Stephen Hawking has to say about all this.

Prof. Singer also declared: “One point on which I agree with opponents of abortion is that from the point of view of ethics rather than the law, there is no sharp distinction between the fetus and the newborn baby.”

Apparently when you get to bill yourself as a moral philosopher, people tend to treat you with kid gloves, so nobody, as far as I’m aware, asked him if there was a sharp distinction between a newborn baby and a four-year-old or between a professor of Bioethics and a Nazi.

By now, we’re all aware of the fact that background checks would not have spared us the massacre at Newtown, but the question I haven’t heard asked is whether background checks would have prevented Operation Fast & Furious. After all, how much do we really know about major gun-runner Eric Holder?

For sheer irony, it’s hard to beat Hillary Clinton, who campaigned as the person we’d all want to see at the receiving end of a 3 a.m. phone call, totally botch the call she got in the wee hours regarding Benghazi.

Speaking of Benghazi, we keep hearing the various Pinocchio’s who speak on behalf of this administration insist that they could not have possibly sent armed reinforcements in the seven hours our people were under attack. Well, one, I keep wondering why not, inasmuch as our military base in Italy is a mere three hour flight away; and, two, lacking the gift of precognition, how could they have had the slightest idea how long the siege would continue?

Moving on to a more recent scandal, we have a spokesperson for the IRS stating: “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way due to any political or partisan motivation. We were — and will continue to be — dedicated to reviewing all applications for tax-exempt status in an impartial manner.”

And what’s more, it was a sheer coincidence that for two years only groups of a conservative persuasion were targeted, never a single group that had “Progressive,” “Liberal” or “We Love Obama,” in its title.

I confess I am less concerned about the scandal swirling around Obama’s monitoring the phones of the Associated Press. To me, considering how supportive the news agency has been of Obama, this is more like a falling-out among thieves. Still, I can’t help wondering about his motive. The only thing I’ve come up with is he just couldn’t wait to find out what swell things they were going to say about him next.

We all grew up hearing people say with something resembling awe: “Is this a great country or what?” Ever since 2008, when Obama was elected, I’ve been thinking “what” is the correct answer.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write