Conspiracies & Conspirators

When I was young, a lot of conspiracy theorists (aka crazy people) were convinced that fluoride in our water was a Commie plot to destroy America one glass at a time. Back then, I discounted it as a result of the Cold War jitters, but for the past six years I’ve found myself wondering if young Barack, in addition to cocaine and marijuana, used to mainline fluoride back in Hawaii.

You would think that millionaires and billionaires would finally tell Obama to either stop using them as scapegoats for what’s wrong with this country or stop diving into their pockets every chance he gets. Instead, they keep showing up at his $35,000-a-plate fund raisers. Just recently, he went so far as to invite the future heirs of those people to the White House, softening them up for the DNC. One of the 19-year-old invitees said after the meet-and-greet that he thought they’d be hitting him and the other scions up for donations, and was surprised when it didn’t happen. I guess that even though he will one day be able to write checks with six or seven zeroes on them, he doesn’t yet understand how these things work. The Democrats are certifiably cuckoo, but even they know better than to kill the goose before it’s had a chance to lay golden eggs.

Speaking of kids, I have long believed that the greatest gift they could ever receive would be to live 24 hours 20 or 30 years in the future, just so they could see how unimportant all the things that plague them today really are. Things like asking or being asked for a date, getting a bad grade on a test, a falling-out with a friend, things that loom so large for a 15 or 16-year-old and lead some of them to take their own lives, are so trivial in the long run. But you can only realize that long afterwards. No teenager can ever believe that he won’t even remember the name of the girl in the 10th grade he has a crush on or the name of the teacher who’s driving him nuts today. For that reason alone, someone should get to work inventing a time machine. It would prevent an awful lot of heartache.

But sometimes even age doesn’t bring wisdom. It was, after all, Albert Einstein who said, “To my mind to kill in war is not a whit better than committing ordinary murder.” Was he serious? Did he honestly believe that the soldiers who killed Nazis and liberated concentration camp prisoners were no better than garden variety murderers? Some people, I’d suggest, should stick to physics or, perhaps, get one.

There seems to be a controversy over whether after we remove our main force from Afghanistan, we should leave behind 5,000 or 12,000 soldiers. Their mission, we’re told, would be to train Afghans to defend their own country. Now I’m willing to grant that they may be slow learners, but if we haven’t taught them the basics after a dozen years, I think it’s time to accept it’s a lost cause. The one thing these mugs seem to have learned is how to murder our soldiers and doctors. So, understand I’m just asking, but how much worse could things be if the Taliban came back and ran things? As I see it, where Muslims are concerned, there’s precious little difference between one group and another.

It recently occurred to me why they call liberal arts colleges liberal arts colleges. It’s because conservative professors are never hired and conservative students are persona non grata. That doesn’t stop the colleges from bragging about their tolerance and their desire for diversity, at least so long as it’s only diversity of pigmentation and not political opinion.

Along with that time machine, it would be a boon to mankind if someone would come up with a way to convert liberal hypocrisy into a source of unlimited renewable energy. But, alas, as things stand, all it’s good for is making my head explode and forcing steam to shoot out of my ears.

The other day, a friend of mine was ruing the fact that the GOP seems incapable of selling itself to the public. I agreed. I went on: “They can’t even agree on a plan with which to replace ObamaCare. But Reince Priebus has some worthwhile ideas for 2016, which include a shorter primary campaign, fewer debates, along with a ban on liberal moderators, and an earlier convention date.

And if I had his job, I would make it a hard and fast rule that Reagan’s 11th Commandment would be strictly enforced. In short, Scott, Rand, Rick, Ted, Mike, Bobby, Chris, etc., would get to tell us why he should be the standard bearer, period, and not waste our time pointing out that the other guys are rats and weasels. Step over the line, and a trapdoor will open underneath you. When you came to, you’d be on a small raft in the middle of the Atlantic, heading for Greenland.

We know that Democrats will be throwing mud at our candidate, but at least make the bastards find their own damn mud.

Based on his blatant arrogance, it’s obvious that the endless praise Barack Obama has received from the likes of the New York Times, the Washington Post, the major networks, CNN and the screwballs in Hollywood and at MSNBC, over the past six years went straight to his head.

It is, I contend, merely further proof that Nature truly abhors a vacuum.

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©2014 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.




If God Exists, then What the Hell is going on?

AARON-ALEXIS-PosterMy own, modest opinion is that there is not enough evidence available, pro or con, to determine whether there is a God – at least in the biblical sense. And there probably never will be enough evidence.

We can only study the matter by indirection, sort of like looking at an eclipse of the sun as reflected on a cardboard screen.

If there is a God, or at any rate a benign one,  then why did He let Colorado have its guts torn out by flooding this month?

One possible answer is that God was so busy forgiving Yom Kippur worshippers their sins that He got hopelessly diverted and failed to watch the weather forecasts. But this implies that God is not a multi-tasker, and any sensible person, whether he believes in God or not, will tell you that if there were a God, with all the powers one normally attributes to a god, He would be capable of doing more than one thing at a time.

To keep this post timely, I should add that any number of non-believers probably are wondering today why God, if He existed, would allow the massacre of more than a dozen innocents at the Navy yard in Washington. If you read the comments of liberal bloggers, you find that God may have been outmaneuvered by the National Rifle Association, and also by that old bugaboo, the Republican majority in the House of Representatives.

It now develops that the dead shooting suspect used to contend that he heard voices in his head. Is that really so unusual? Come on, fess up, don’t you sometimes hear voices in your heads too? I sometimes hear my late father admonishing me about this or that, or a hostile high-school history teacher telling me that I don’t know what I am talking about. However, these are always reprises of comments I have already heard in the distant past. It is called memory.

Anyway, if the suspect heard voices, telling him to kill his ex-colleagues at the yard, this undoubtedly was the work of the NRA, which is well-funded enough to afford the most advanced mind-manipulation technology. NRA told him to kill a lot of people, although we don’t know yet whether it specifically named the prospective victims. Maybe Wayne Lapierre will enlighten us, when he is inevitably raked over the coals by MSM interviewers this Sunday.  Or maybe Boehner knows, and we can pry it out of him over cocktails.

The details of mass shootings or other types of mass killings tend to unfold in stages over long periods of time on the cable news channels. At first we were given information that seemed to suggest that a gang of government-hating white nuts from rural Montana, clad in military fatigues, had carried out the massacre. That is always the hope of the liberal community when these things happen. “At last, we can pin it on the Great Right Hope!”

But much of the time the shooter turns out to be from some other, quite different demographic. There was still hope for the liberals when the news came through that the killer was from Fort Worth. Aha, a Bush voter! Then came the inconvenient fact that the shooter was a black man, previously a contractor for the Navy, who evidently bore specific grudges.

With the news out that the killer was black, the MSM had to shift into another gear. Now, with little hope of pinning this on the Tea Party, they began to conclude that the killings must be society’s fault. That’s always the case when blacks commit crimes, right? Remember when the mother of one of the bored killers in Oklahoma, who took the life of an Australian jogger, told the networks that this could all have been averted if the town had a better recreational program for its youths?

The networks have two photos of the killer, one showing him with a long, narrow face like John Kerry, the other showing him with a cherubic moon face, like Chris Dorner. I don’t know where the networks got these photos, but perhaps he was featured in a before-and-after ad sequence for Weight Watchers.

But I may be digressing here. You can believe in God, and perhaps believe that He allowed the Colorado floods to happen because He was angry at Colorado. If you read your Bible regularly, you know that God is not averse to a little vengeance now and then. He is not always, if ever, trying to prevent bad things from happening. He is not necessarily entirely benign.

The question then becomes, What did He have against Colorado? Too many Starbucks in Denver and Colorado Springs?

The question is difficult to answer, because there are multiple, unrelated reasons that seem plausible.

He may have sent the floods – and let’s remember that He has a history of using such a weapon – because Colorado approved gay marriage. This is entirely consistent with His mindset, as we all know.

On the other hand, He may simply have disapproved of the legalization of pot. What better way to ruin the crops than massive flooding?

Then again, the flooding may stem from the fact that Colorado voters recalled two anti-gun legislators in a special election. That would probably be the first choice among liberal bloggers. But do you really think that God is a gun-grabber? Then why did He let guns proliferate to the extent they have in the United States? Every sign suggests that God likes guns.

Albert Einstein was a hero of mine, and I like his take on God. He was not a religious Jew, but he slung around the term “God” pretty often for a hardcore physicist. He didn’t seem to have in mind the guy with the flowing beard on the Sistine ceiling, or the immense humanoids who kept demanding sacrifices of goats and lambs from the ancient Greeks (and must have run their cholesterol counts way up in the process).

To Einstein, God was the universe itself, with all its mysteries. It may have been the product of random chance, or it may have been the product of intelligent design, not even Einstein knew, but he chose to call it God. He was able, better than anyone else, to chip away at the mysteries, but the job is far from finished, and it may never be.