Cults, Religions & Te’o

What I find so fascinating about atheists is that they are so certain there’s no God that they’ve gone and created a religion based on that conviction.

But they’re not alone in their lunacy. Take the rabid environmentalists, if you will. Their central belief is that Earth would be far better off if it weren’t for people. Now I happen to feel that way about California, but it’s not the same thing at all. It’s one thing to look around at the beauty of this state, with its temperate climate and magnificent coastline, and not muse about how glorious this place would be if it weren’t infested with liberals.

That’s quite different from those loons who actually believe that the planet — home to swamps, marshes, frozen tundra and millions of loathsome critters that have multiples of two legs — would be a paradise if it weren’t for human beings.

I agree it would be greatly improved if these nutjobs found a way to remove themselves to Mars or a distant galaxy, but how are they any different from the pagans who prostrated themselves to tree gods, moon gods and mountain gods? Or, for that matter, people like Jamie Fox, Joy Behar and Sarah Jessica Parker, who are convinced that the messiah resides in the White House. The main difference is that in the old days, they used to sacrifice young maidens to their gods and now they employ innocent children as political props.

Speaking of mountains and the morons who climb them, if it were up to me, I’d insist these guys put up a bond prior to setting out. That would cover the expense of rescuing them. I say if you climb a mountain for no better reason than that it’s there, we should leave you there unless you pay up first.

Although I’d like to think that conservatives are superior to liberals in every way, it’s simply not true. Consider the fact that when liberals decide that churches and synagogues are a lot of hooey, they don’t attend services and they don’t send their kids there to be indoctrinated by those they regard as charlatans.

What’s more, they don’t enroll their children in religious schools. But how often do conservatives decide not to send their kids to public schools and colleges because they don’t want them being brainwashed by dedicated left-wingers? Heck, conservatives even continue paying annual dues to AARP in spite of the fact the group used millions of their dollars to promote ObamaCare.

I hate to say it, but the evidence is overwhelming that liberals actually believe the nonsense they spout, whereas most conservatives merely pay lip service to the beliefs they allege to hold dear.

Frankly, it would be disheartening to follow politics in America if politicians didn’t provide me with as many laughs as they do. For instance, Gov. Andrew Cuomo proudly signs the toughest gun laws in America, going so far as to banish guns that hold more than seven bullets. It was only after putting his name to the bill that he discovered that he had not made exceptions of NY police officers, who generally pack sidearms holding 15-bullets. Even for a New York politician, that constitutes a major “whoops.”

Then, for additional chuckles, we have the always reliable laugh machine, Harry Reid. He recently said that he refused to let the Senate vote on banning assault weapons because he knows the House Republicans would never pass such a bill. Because the media knows their role in the D.C. charade, none of them ever let on that the actual reason was that a large number of Senate Democrats would never back the measure, at least not if they ever hoped to be re-elected.

Speaking of the Washington press corps, Obama would be right for once if he pronounced the word “corpse.”

Some wag suggested that it’s been so cold in California this winter that Democrats have been spotted with their hands in their own pockets. But that sure wouldn’t be Al Gore. In fact, until Gore dove head-first into the pockets of those oil sheikhs funding Al Jazeera, I didn’t even know those schmucks had pockets in their robes.

I think the final word on the phony war on weapons staged by Obama came in answer to the question: Why carry a gun? Answer: Because you’d get a hernia carrying a cop.

If I could change one thing about the Internet, I think I would find a way to time-stamp all those items that go viral and then never disappear. Just the other day, I received that item about the Post Office putting out the tribute-to-Islam postage stamp. I believe that one started going around back in 2009. I will therefore take this occasion to beg all of you not to forward me anything. The way it works is that I’d much rather not get anything the first time than risk eventually getting it 50 times.

Finally, even I can’t resist commenting on Manti Te’o and the love of his life, which, it so happens, was actually the Heisman Trophy. I realize that the girl was a ploy to garner sympathy and votes for the All American linebacker and that, no doubt at the behest of the Notre Dame athletic department, Te’o continued to string things along for some time after the scandal broke.

Still, I can’t help suspecting that his sorrow was at least partly heart-felt. After all, fantasy or not, she never nagged. She never complained that the only thing he ever did when not playing football was watch it on TV. And, what’s more, she never carried on about the other co-eds he dated.

But best of all, she never, not once, ragged on him about having that goofy apostrophe in the middle of his name.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write

Answering Questions Nobody’s Asking

I was hoping that as I got older, I would find things less confusing. Instead, the mysteries of modern life seem to be multiplying like rabbits.

For instance, why do so many movie lines that don’t contain even a kernel of wit or wisdom seem to pass through society like a virus, leaving some of us with flu-like symptoms? Just a few of those that have enjoyed prolonged currency include: “Make my day” and “Do you feel lucky, punk?” Then there’s “Show me the money,” “Life is like a box of chocolates,” “Hasta la vista, baby,” “I’ll be back” and the omnipresent “You can’t handle the truth!”

At least in the old days, when we got “I’m shocked… shocked” from Casablanca, Nobody’s perfect” from Some Like it Hot and “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” from Gone With the Wind, the source material tended to be first-rate movies.

Speaking of movies, I recently tried sitting through the latest Batman, The Dark Knight Rises, but could barely make it to the halfway mark. It raises the question once again why anyone would want to shoot action sequences in the dark. They spend a hundred million dollars producing this tripe and then turn it into an over-long radio show.

Something else that I have never understood is why super heroes required secret identities. It always seemed like a lot of unnecessary trouble. Why did Batman have to use Bruce Wayne as a front? And even sillier was Superman insisting on hiding behind the nerdy façade of Clark Kent and having to change his clothes in a telephone booth. The dude could fly, bullets bounced off his chest and he had X-ray vision. What was he afraid of? Autograph hounds?

Why do Obama and the flakier environmentalists oppose oil derricks, but promote windmills? Oil is not only a far better and more reliable source of energy than wind, but they don’t massacre birds by the thousands. When there’s an occasional oil spill and it gets goo on seagulls, these people become as crazed as the loons at PETA; but when windmills mutilate even protected classes of birds, such as eagles, you don’t hear a peep out of them.

Many of us conservatives have sought an explanation as to why, even after four years of Obama’s destructive policies and his insistence on governing by presidential fiat, Mitt Romney received two million fewer votes than John McCain. Recently, a friend of mine, Dr. Harry Maller, reminded me that in 2008, 17% of voters said they would never cast a ballot for a Mormon. Assuming that a lot of those religious bigots are Republicans, and that it’s just possible that not all of the 15 million entitlement junkies Obama has added to the food stamp rolls are Democrats, the mystery might finally be solved.

Although liberals are loath to admit it, there are forms of bigotry that have nothing to do with race, nation of origin or sexual proclivities. I, personally, would prefer to believe that the two million Republicans who didn’t bother voting this time around were just too lazy, not that they were the sort of narrow-minded pinheads who put their religious intolerance ahead of what’s best for America.

Speaking of Obama, some two thousand years ago, Marcus Tullius Cicero wrote 76 words that might have been written yesterday: “Do not blame Caesar, blame the people of Rome who have so enthusiastically acclaimed and adored him and rejoiced in their loss of freedom and danced in his path and given him triumphal processions. Blame the people who hail him when he speaks in the Forum of the new wonderful good society which shall now be Rome’s, interpreted to mean more money, more ease, more security, and more living fatly at the expense of the industrious.”

For a long time, I was also puzzled by the fact that so many liberals sided with Muslims, treating them with the sort of respect generally reserved for such sacred cows as urban blacks, illegal aliens and the New York Times editorial board. After all, these are people whose religion promotes intolerance in the extreme. Free speech, women’s rights, gay rights, democracy, and even science and art, are all alien concepts everywhere in the Middle East except in Israel. In addition, these are the folks who have declared war on the West, and use any means available to terrorize those they regard as infidels, which not only includes all of us, but also their co-religionists if they happen to belong to a different sect.

Over the past three decades, except in a few isolated instances, every act of terrorism in the world can be traced to these barbarians. They fire thousands of rockets into Israel, hoping to kill civilians. They fly planes into our skyscrapers. What’s more, calling them cutthroats isn’t an insult, it’s a job description.

In spite of all that, there are millions of liberals who stand ready to defend them in a way they would never have defended Nazis. Or conservatives, for that matter.

I could be wrong, but I have concluded that the only explanation for this bizarre alliance is that they share a blind hatred of Christians and Jews, and subscribe to the notion that the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

I, on the other hand, believe that the friend of my enemy is my enemy. Which should explain why I never tire of ridiculing liberals.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write