Conspiracies & Conspirators

When I was young, a lot of conspiracy theorists (aka crazy people) were convinced that fluoride in our water was a Commie plot to destroy America one glass at a time. Back then, I discounted it as a result of the Cold War jitters, but for the past six years I’ve found myself wondering if young Barack, in addition to cocaine and marijuana, used to mainline fluoride back in Hawaii.

You would think that millionaires and billionaires would finally tell Obama to either stop using them as scapegoats for what’s wrong with this country or stop diving into their pockets every chance he gets. Instead, they keep showing up at his $35,000-a-plate fund raisers. Just recently, he went so far as to invite the future heirs of those people to the White House, softening them up for the DNC. One of the 19-year-old invitees said after the meet-and-greet that he thought they’d be hitting him and the other scions up for donations, and was surprised when it didn’t happen. I guess that even though he will one day be able to write checks with six or seven zeroes on them, he doesn’t yet understand how these things work. The Democrats are certifiably cuckoo, but even they know better than to kill the goose before it’s had a chance to lay golden eggs.

Speaking of kids, I have long believed that the greatest gift they could ever receive would be to live 24 hours 20 or 30 years in the future, just so they could see how unimportant all the things that plague them today really are. Things like asking or being asked for a date, getting a bad grade on a test, a falling-out with a friend, things that loom so large for a 15 or 16-year-old and lead some of them to take their own lives, are so trivial in the long run. But you can only realize that long afterwards. No teenager can ever believe that he won’t even remember the name of the girl in the 10th grade he has a crush on or the name of the teacher who’s driving him nuts today. For that reason alone, someone should get to work inventing a time machine. It would prevent an awful lot of heartache.

But sometimes even age doesn’t bring wisdom. It was, after all, Albert Einstein who said, “To my mind to kill in war is not a whit better than committing ordinary murder.” Was he serious? Did he honestly believe that the soldiers who killed Nazis and liberated concentration camp prisoners were no better than garden variety murderers? Some people, I’d suggest, should stick to physics or, perhaps, get one.

There seems to be a controversy over whether after we remove our main force from Afghanistan, we should leave behind 5,000 or 12,000 soldiers. Their mission, we’re told, would be to train Afghans to defend their own country. Now I’m willing to grant that they may be slow learners, but if we haven’t taught them the basics after a dozen years, I think it’s time to accept it’s a lost cause. The one thing these mugs seem to have learned is how to murder our soldiers and doctors. So, understand I’m just asking, but how much worse could things be if the Taliban came back and ran things? As I see it, where Muslims are concerned, there’s precious little difference between one group and another.

It recently occurred to me why they call liberal arts colleges liberal arts colleges. It’s because conservative professors are never hired and conservative students are persona non grata. That doesn’t stop the colleges from bragging about their tolerance and their desire for diversity, at least so long as it’s only diversity of pigmentation and not political opinion.

Along with that time machine, it would be a boon to mankind if someone would come up with a way to convert liberal hypocrisy into a source of unlimited renewable energy. But, alas, as things stand, all it’s good for is making my head explode and forcing steam to shoot out of my ears.

The other day, a friend of mine was ruing the fact that the GOP seems incapable of selling itself to the public. I agreed. I went on: “They can’t even agree on a plan with which to replace ObamaCare. But Reince Priebus has some worthwhile ideas for 2016, which include a shorter primary campaign, fewer debates, along with a ban on liberal moderators, and an earlier convention date.

And if I had his job, I would make it a hard and fast rule that Reagan’s 11th Commandment would be strictly enforced. In short, Scott, Rand, Rick, Ted, Mike, Bobby, Chris, etc., would get to tell us why he should be the standard bearer, period, and not waste our time pointing out that the other guys are rats and weasels. Step over the line, and a trapdoor will open underneath you. When you came to, you’d be on a small raft in the middle of the Atlantic, heading for Greenland.

We know that Democrats will be throwing mud at our candidate, but at least make the bastards find their own damn mud.

Based on his blatant arrogance, it’s obvious that the endless praise Barack Obama has received from the likes of the New York Times, the Washington Post, the major networks, CNN and the screwballs in Hollywood and at MSNBC, over the past six years went straight to his head.

It is, I contend, merely further proof that Nature truly abhors a vacuum.

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©2014 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write